(Closed) Not sure if I'm happy

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think your problem lies within yourself more than your relationship. All relationships have struggles but the fire can always be re lit and its constant work to keep things fresh. But if you are both willing and wanting it won’t be trouble. I would seek help for yourself, as a person with a similiar childhood I can tell you how destructive it can be for the most healthy relationship. 

Post # 3
2122 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

plkasd:  I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I’m not a professional counsellor, but the part that stood out to me was “I sometimes wonder if this is because he is the only person I am really close to. I don’t have relationships with any of my family and I do have several close friends but they all live in different states and/or have their own lives. Sometimes I wonder if I hold onto this relationship because it’s all I have. ” I have actually been going through something similar recently, where he was the only friend I had near him as we were both transferred far away temporarily with his work, and knowing it would only be for a few months meant I didn’t try to make any friends. But this led to us bickering because I became overly-sensitive to anything negative that happened between us; I felt isolated, and felt that without him I had nothing. But this isn’t a healthy way of thinking as I had become dependent on him and that made me question my feelings for him.

Op, I think you just need to make some close friends near you and ‘get out there’ for some fresh perspective. Then you’ll be able to tell whether your engagement is right for you or not 🙂

I also agree with the pp, I think this problem is with yourself rather than him.

Post # 4
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Agree with PPs, YOU are not ready to say I do to forever with your Fiance and there is nothing wrong with having an extended engagement while u take sometime to see if this is what you like. Also if needed, try expressing how you feel to your Fiance. You don’t want to lead him on. Best wishes to you and follow your heart.

Post # 5
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Having a rough childhood is so important to explore and “neutralize”. There is a reason why effects from a traumatic childhood effect relationships in adulthood. When we are little we learn to develop relationships with other people: adults, peers, etc. If those early relationships are not healthy, it becomes much harder for us as adults to recognize a healthy or unhealthy relationship. And it gives a lot more room for doubt to breed. For people with traumatic childhoods, following their gut instinct isn’t as easy because their instincts evolved in a very different way.

You seem intelligent and able to understand on a cellular level what is normal and what isn’t in your relationship. Congratulations, that is half the battle! When your fiancé cheated on you you did the right thing and went into counseling. You recognized dysfunction and handled it in a very healthy way. You need to trust that you can make healthy choices to have healthy relationships.

it seems like you have a tough time chosing or listening to one part of you. You can’t find your voice. And whether you stay or go, if you can’t get down to what is really on your mind now you will have this problem in any relationship.

Before you do anything drastic, go see a therapist. One who doesn’t tell you what to do or give you guidance on what you should do, but rather someone who asks you the questions that perhaps you are too afraid to ask yourself.

Post # 6
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

plkasd:  Do you think you’re staying with him because it is comfortable and easy? I got into the same slump with my first boyfriend. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t miserable so I just stayed. Being the first relationship, you’re still trying to figure out what you want and it can be difficult to imagine if someone else could be better for you.

Make a list of the things you want out of a relationship and figure out if they are possible with him. The fact that you were not happy when he proposed speaks volumes–your gut is trying to tell you something. I hope it goes without saying but do not start planning a wedding until you are 100% sure. I really think you need a break from this relationship to figure out what you really want.

Post # 7
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

plkasd:  It’s 50 years from now… You’re 75 years old.  Who is sitting beside you?  

Post # 8
1195 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

plkasd:  This sounds similar to my first marriage…minus the one night stand. Guy was very nice, we got a long, everything was status quo. But I never really felt “in love” with him. Around year 5 we were married and that was the last straw apparently because I remember dreading the wedding and not feeling very emotional during the ceremoney when he was. I felt so bad. It ended up that only a few months out of the gate, I asked he go live with his friend and we eventually divorced before our first anniversary. I’d say – if you’re having these feelings now, don’t go through with it. Only get married if you’re 100% sure this is what you want to do otherwise you will regret it later on.

Post # 9
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Based on your personal history, your age, and the fact that this guy is the first man you’ve been in a relationship with, if you are anything but over-the-moon excited to spend the rest of your life with him, run far in the other direction.

People will tell you that your issues are not about your fiance; they’re about you. That may well be true, but it isn’t a reason to marry this guy. The truth is that you had some terrible shit happen to you, and because of that you aren’t able to see clearly. It may take years of therapy for you to unpack what was done to you. From one survivor of trauma to another, until we delve deep into ourselves and learn to love ourselves fully, it is impossible to participate in a loving relationship with another person, because a big part of loving someone else is knowing & loving yourself. It will do both you and him harm if you do not step back, hire a therapist, and start the hard work of reclaiming your life.

Ninebones: I am in that boat right now and it is horrible. Married my second boyfriend because he was a wonderful, smart, creative man who I should love by all accounts. I experienced a lot of trauma growing up and as a result was unable to recognize or trust my feelings (or lack thereof) towards him. Now we’re dealing with the aftermath (with lots and lots of therapy) and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, hands down. How did you know when to end things?

Post # 10
1195 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

pookiesmom:  TBH, I knew in the first week of dating and ignored it until I couldn’t anymore because we got married…

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