- 4 years ago
I’ve been with my fiancé for about 5 years, engaged for just a few months, and I’m really scared because I’m not positive that I want to be with him forever. I don’t even know where to start but I need a little help/advice.
I’ll start with the strengths of our relationship: I am really comfortable being myself around him, we are usually able to work out most of our problems by talking them out together, he is cute, bright, funny, talented, and generous. I generally enjoy being around him but have recently started to feel like I wish I had more of my own time. We are both very busy and only see each other on weekends but I still feel like I wish we had more time apart.
Some background info about me/the relationship (I’m including all the things I think might be relevant):
– I had a really rough childhood – lots of trauma/abuse and my parents absolutely hate each other. I have worked through a lot of this in therapy but still I’m sure it affects me at some level.
– I’m young – in my mid-20s and this is the only serious relationship I’ve ever had. Again, I’m not sure if this plays into it but I guess it must on some level. However, I’m not one to question what I have. I’m usually content and not searching for the next best thing. I don’t have any interest in “playing the field” or sleeping around.
– In the first few months of our relationship, he cheated on me (one night stand). I found out in year two and was absolutely devastated. We went to counseling, which helped, but then we stopped because I thought I was going to break up with him for sure. I didn’t and we managed to get through things with the strategies we learned in counseling, although this still haunts me and I believe it’s a large part of why I question our future together. He was going through a lot of emotional stuff at the time and our relationship was not good at all at that time– I was actually thinking about breaking up with him to date someone that hit on me once, so, like I said, it was not the strongest relationship. However, even though I was thinking about it, I decided to commit to the relationship and I never would have cheated on him – I would have ended the relationship if I decided I wanted to pursue other men. This still really upsets me and annoys me. I think we have a much stronger relationship now and I think there is less of a chance he would cheat on me but I still don’t trust him completely.
For the most part, I think we have a really good relationship. We have strong communication. We are both very flexible and easy to please so we get along a lot. When there is an issue, it gets worked out right away. I do love him – a lot – and when I think about my life without him, it makes me deeply sad. I sometimes wonder if this is because he is the only person I am really close to. I don’t have relationships with any of my family and I do have several close friends but they all live in different states and/or have their own lives. Sometimes I wonder if I hold onto this relationship because it’s all I have.
I am easy to please, as I think I mentioned. I don’t ask for very much out of anyone. I think my fiancé is a great person and there are a lot of great things about us together. I do typically feel happy when we are together. There is just something that is nagging at me. I’m not positive what it is – I can’t put my finger on it. When he proposed, I was not happy. I thought this might be because he did it in a disappointing way, but now I’m thinking that was my mind telling me I am not in a relationship that fits my needs. On the other hand, sometimes I think of the wedding and can’t wait to marry him (this is not me looking forward to a wedding because I am a no frills kind of gal and actually hate the idea of getting married in front of people). I also miss him when I am away for work. I don’t know what to do…. I am so confused. I’m not sure if this is just normal confusion and questioning because it’s such a big commitment, or if something is really wrong. Even writing this and thinking about breaking up makes me cry so hard… but I don’t think I’m happy. Help me!