Post # 1
SO and I have been together about 3 years. I’ve been waiting since about a year and a half ago. Around year marker two, he started saying it would happen “soon.” Well now another year has passed, and nothing.
I’ve had my meltdowns. We went to a wedding last year, I drank too much, and I just bawled about how it was never going to happen for us. It was embarrassing. I’ve gotten in week long funks where I start wondering if I should set a mental walk date and I get irrationally angry with him and he has no idea why. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not particularly proud of how I’ve handled the situation at times.
Last weekend we went to meet his dad’s new girlfriend, who happens to be a relationship counselor. She kept asking why there weren’t wedding plans in our future. She could tell that both of us got uncomfortable about the questions. Instead of dropping it, she asked everyone else to leave the room so she could talk to us. Awkward. Haha.
Anyways, pretty much everything got laid out on the table and she told him that she dealt with couples like us all the time. Really happy with everything except the guy just refuses to commit or strings me along letting me think that it’ll happen “soon” and just never acts on it. She talked about how it can cause a lot of resentment and eventually I’m going to leave him for someone who wants the same things as me. Not because he is a bad guy, but because he just isn’t giving me what I need in a relationship.
He squirmed and wiggled and tapped his fingers through this whole conversation. He was super uncomfortable. Honestly though, she hadn’t told him anything that I didn’t already tell him in the past.
For some reason though, it seems to have struck a chord with him. He said that she gave him a new perspective on our relationship. He’s now looking at rings and telling me things like “he knows what he needs to do now.”
I guess I’m kind of relieved because it’s headed in that direction, but I’m also worried that it’s not the same as him coming to the idea himself. I don’t want him to marry me because he thinks I’ll leave or because he “has to do it.” I want him to want to marry me. It almost makes me sad. I’m worried that if/when he proposes it will be because he “has to” not because he wants to.
Am I crazy? Over thinking it? Do any of you have similar experiences? Sorry for the novel.
Post # 3
You are over thinking this. He would not propose if he did not want to be with you. This is what you want for yourself. Just be happy it’s coming!
Post # 4
As long as he follows through with it, he wants to marry you. He’s not going to propose because someone told him to, unless he just needed the little shove to make him actually do it. Calm down, be excited! This is a good thing!
Post # 5
I would just say, “I don’t want you to propose to me if it isn’t what you want to do. I want you to be ready and to be excited about it. Don’t let that conversation make you do something you wouldn’t have been doing otherwise” I honestly don’t think theres anything wrong with bluntly addressing your concern in this instance. It’ll probably make you feel better and when he does propose you won’t question it.
Post # 6
I think he’s just had a fire lit under his ass and doesn’t want to lose you to someone who will act faster.
Post # 7
Some guys just need a nudge in the right direction. They don’t always think these things through the same way that we do. Maybe this was the kick in the pants he needed!
Post # 8
I think you’re overthinking this. Guys sometimes need to hear stuff from other people for them to really sink in. When I tell my guy I’d like to be married to him, he gives me the “you’re sweet but what else is new” look. Then last week, two older men (his father and a bartender in a place where we come a lot) told him to stick with me because he’s incredibly lucky, and I could tell it made a difference.
Just be thankful for this woman and make sure to send her a box of chocolates when he proposes! 😉
Post # 9
In my opinion, men rarely go through with marrying someone that they don’t want to marry unless they feel absolutely strong-armed or there is a kid involved and they do it out of obligation.
You situation doesnt sound like either of those. It sounds like that gal gave him a kick in the pants and a bit of a reality check.
If it would make you feel better, I dont think there’s anything wrong with saying “hey, I’m really excited to see we are moving forward, but I just want you to make sure you do this when YOU are ready.”
Post # 10
@MsMeow: Thanks! You guys are making me feel better about it. I guess I just kind of feel guilty. I’ve been grumpy about it for so long. I don’t want to guilt him into it.
Post # 11
@adoc86: I think you’re right. I’ll wait for him to bring up the “I know what I have to do now” statement again though. Just to clarify that he doesn’t “HAVE” to do it.
Post # 12
@NotablySidedJP: Oddly enough, my SO and I have been together for just over 3 years, and no one in his family has even hinted at marriage. Not a one. Makes me wonder.
As for your Boyfriend or Best Friend, I’m going with what PP have said. He just needed a kick to the pants. When mine bought my ring, it took several hours for him to convince himself to purchase it. The entire time, I told him that if he wasn’t ready, there was no rush. I wanted him to be comfortable and confident, and not to do something just because I liked it. We still went in and out of the store three more times. I’m sure the sales lady went a bit crazy. Point is, just assure him that you want him to do what he wants to do, not what other people tell him to do.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t worry too much. I think it helped him to have an objective, professional third party lay it all out for him. Not that you put it badly, but when you would talk about the same things, he probably just heard a lot of blah blah blah. Men are stupid that way!
Post # 14
Awww Don’t worry!! I think it just helped him realize what he wants and shouldn’t keep you waiting much longer. I don’t think it made him feel like he HAS to marry you if he didn’t want to
Post # 15
Don’t worry too much about it….it sounds like your dad’s new Girlfriend is a good counselor! Even though it was informal, counseling can help people see things in a new way. I think it’s good that you want to make sure he isn’t doing anything out of obligation, but don’t focus too much on that.
Post # 16
If he does this its because he wants to.