(Closed) Not sure if it's going to work out – sobbing – long

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@nyscpa2be:  I haven’t been through anything like this but just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Is it possible to speak to his doctors about changing his meds or something?  Beyond that I’m not really sure what else you can do.  Is he seeing a therapist on his own as well as with you?  If not that may be something he needs as well. 

Post # 4
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nyscpa2be:  Is he on medication for his condition? 

I understand the vows your made are important.  But sick or not, he should not be abusive, nor should you tolerate it.

You can continue with marriage counseling, I’d insist he participate in personal therapy, and if he’s not on medication, start taking something.

Post # 5
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@nyscpa2be:  Are you still hiding in your office? It sounds to me like going to the VA was a cry for help on his part. He was asking you if he should self admit. Perhaps he was asking you to admit him? Do you feel safe right now?

Post # 6
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have no experience with this, so this may or may not be applicable, but I can’t just give you nothing.

Obviously this isn’t working.  That’s easy to see.  Do I think you should run away and never look back?  If he completely refuses treatment (which he obviously needs), then yes.

However, I believe that his problems are not the entirety of the man you married.  I would guess that he needs an inpatient hospitalization for his issues.  (Again, I have no experience, but this is what I would want, if it were my husband behaving this way)

Marriage counseling is something, but I don’t see how it can work if one of the participants has such a large volume of things that need to be addressed first.  Can you get a referral from the VA hospital for someone/somewhere that specializes in mental illness?  He’ll obviously need an evaluation first, so I think (from guessing) that’s the first step.

Also, are you sure you’re safe there?  Your entry included a whole lot of him screaming in your face, and while I can accept that this is the result of his mental illness(es?), it doesn’t preclude it from escalating past what I consider an already dangerous place.

Lastly, I found this link–it’s not identical to what you’re going through, but there are steps at the end of the entry that I think may be helpful for you.  It talks about what you can do to keep you healthy and what you can do to help your husband (both by getting the help he needs, and not allowing his behavior toward you to continue).

http://www.brainphysics.com/cami98.php

PM me anytime you want to talk, like I said, I can’t really empathize, but I can sympathize, and I’m always here.

Post # 9
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

Well my first advice is that he should be in therapy full-time and monitored. His condition sounds like it’s getting worse and he’s losing his grip on how to be partner… and losing basic social principles.

Do you yell back? Or do you just let him get away with his behavior because you feel like his condition is something you have to patiently tolerate? Sometimes people get “knocked” into better behavior when it is strongly reinforced they are being a bad person, and/or when they find that there are extreme consequences to their actions. Standing up for yourself combined with him being better monitored and placed on more/different medication might make things better for you.

Post # 10
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@nyscpa2be:  You have seen him angry etc. but you may not have seen him in a full psychotic episode. I don’t think they mess around either, but it is possible that while he was there he was in a more lucid condition than he is in at this time. If you don’t feel safe, I suggest you call somebody to make sure you aren’t alone with him.

Post # 11
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@nyscpa2be:  When he’s been admitted, do they talk to you as well?  Do you give full accounts of his behavior, even if it directly contradicts what he has been telling/showing them?

I worked in a girl’s home for girls with mental problems, and if their person on the outside was reputable, we almost always took their word instead of the patient.  Often, an admitted person is very good at telling you what you want to hear, or downright faking it.

I have however, left someone abusive.  Get what you can’t live without together (any personal documents, pets, bank statements) and go.  Some of your stuff may be destroyed if you leave it, but I think it’s the safer option than trying to pack everything.

Post # 12
Member
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

If he is still reacting like this ON medication, he needs some other treatments. Obviously the medication isn’t working alone and you shouldn’t have to hide in your office. I’m not a psych person but mental illness like this is such a hard, hard life and he HAS to want to manage his illness before he can be part of a functional relationship. If he has access to inpatient care, he should take advantage of it because obviously this isn’t a healthy relationship for you and I can’t imagine he enjoys being this out of control either.

Group therapy really isn’t a horrible awful thing, it can be incredibly helpful to people who want help. But that is the thing, NOTHING will change until he decides he wants to make an effort to try and change them. And as sad as  it is, sometimes mental illness won’t change, and even the best therapy and medication doesn’t make the person someone to have a healthy relationship with. If you feel this way now, what happens when/if you have children with him and he reacts this way to your screaming toddler or shakes your crying infant? I think you need to seriously consider if this is the man you fell in love with and married and if this is someone you want to continue to have a life with. It will be an incredibly hard road, and only you can decide if you feel safe and loved in this relationship. 

 

ETA: If you don’t feel safe, take what you can not live without and get the heck out. Stuff can be replaced but God forbid he have a psycotic episode and do something to you that isn’t so easy to replace as the couch or your clothes. Does he go out for anything? Any friends you could call of his (If it is as bad as you say his friends MUST know about his issues) and ask them to get him out of the house so you can pack and leave because you no longer feel safe? Sometimes as much as you want to love someone, there are issues that mean chosing to keep yourself safe. 

Post # 13
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am a licensed social worker, and both of my jobs are working in emergency rooms evaluating psych patients to determine if they meet criteria for an inpatient hospitalization.

 

Based on what little you’ve said, it sounds to me like your husband absolutely needs to be hospitalized, especially since he talks about killing himself and has a history of an attempt. It depends on what state you are in as to how people get put in the hospital, but here in Louisiana we have what’s called a PEC (physician emergency certificate), AKA 3 day hold or 72 hour watch. I think Florida calls theirs the Baker Act or something similar. Basically it’s an involuntary committment to a psychiatric inpatient unit. We also have something called an OPC (Order of Protective Custody) where if you have a family member that you feel could be a danger to themselves or others, and they will not voluntarily go to the hospital to get evaluated, you can call the coroner’s office and initiate an OPC, then the police come pick up that person and brings them to the hospital, whether they want to or not. 

Regardless, you need to make sure you feel safe. If you don’t, please get somewhere that you do. 

(Please remember this is a personal opinion of someone on the internet who does not know you or your Darling Husband, so take with a grain of salt). I hope things work out. *hugs*

 

 

Post # 14
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@nyscpa2be:  It sounds like he’s going through a bipolar mixed episode (depression with intense irritability). How long has this been going on?

Post # 15
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

First, i’d get a part time job. ANY income for you right now, that you’re not relying on him for is a plus. Even then though, his mentality is that he owns his things, they are not your things. That would not really be a huge problem, IF you had your own money/things as well. With the way it is now, you’re completely dependent on him, but his mentality and attitude regarding that is that because you’re relying on him, he can tell you what to do. THAT is a problem. You can’t eat the food in your house, because your husband paid for it?! That is ridiculous. So the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to go get a job. It might be hard, but he’s proven that you CAN’T rely on him financially. On top of that, if you ever feel unsafe, having your own money will make it much easier to leave.

He needs help. Has he been to a psychiatrist lately? Is he on medication? His behaviour is unacceptable. A psychiatrist can prescribe meds as well as help him deal with his anger and any other issues he’s having emotionally. On top of that, couple’s counseling would be good. I don’t usually throw that around, but there is such a lack of respect going on here that you really need it. It also kind of sounds like he wants attention. He went to a ward, called and asked if you could pick him up or if he should check himself in. If he had actually wanted to check himself in he would have, I don’t think he ever intended to, I think he was behaving like a child would. He wanted attention and the most effective way to get it from you was to run off to a ward and threaten to check himself in.

Oh, and his idea that you should be a full time mum, work full time and do the housework? I hope you told him HELL NO! Seriously, I wish you could have seen the look I gave to my phone while reading that. There is no way i’d even consider having children with someone who expected all that from me, so they could focus on hunting and fishing. Actually, there’s just no way i’d bring children into an unhealthy relationship period, BUT I think you guys can sort this out if you both want to. Make sure you get that issue sorted before having kids though, that’d be a NIGHTMARE!

Just make sure you stay safe OP. It sounds like his condition is deteriorating..

Post # 16
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Lovemelovemyhorses:  He is already on serious meds and theyre in marriage counseling.

OP, I also second contacting his psychiatrist. They won’t be able to divulge anything about him but they would appreciate an update from someone who is observing his behavior once their patient has become so erratic. Ugh. I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s very hard to love someone with mental illnesses and you’re doing as best as you can. If you feel unsafe,definitely leave but I would also call his folks and ask them to encourage him to see his psychiatrist ASAP or get admitted this weekend. 

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