- 2 years ago
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over five years now. We’ve been living together in a house we bought two and a half years ago. I know we’re committed to each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together, however I really want to get married and I’m not sure if he does.
We first discussed marriage about a year into our relationship and I stated that I did want to get married and have kids, and he said he definitely wanted kids but wasn’t sure about marriage, because his parents didn’t have a great marriage and he didn’t see the point of spending thousands of dollars to sign a piece of paper. He asked me if I was okay if we never got married, and I said that it is something that was important to me and that I still wanted to, but it wasn’t a deal breaker if it never happened. At this point, I wasn’t too worried and I thought for sure he would come around, I was still in school and I knew marriage would be a few years out anyway.
There years into our relationship the topic comes up again. We are both now working full time in stable careers and had recently started living together. I still maintained that I wanted to get married and he has now changed his view to say that he is open to marriage as well, but he is worried about the amount of money involved. I’ve told him I don’t need a fancy fairytale wedding, and would be happy with something more laid back. We also have several photographer friends and his dad owns a catering company and has told us he would be happy to help us out at our wedding once it comes along. I also told him I don’t mind having a longer engagement and using that time to save up and look for deals for our wedding. Again, at this point I wasn’t worried either. Although this was the first point I was actually ready for marriage, I was happy with what we currently had and was enjoying our new life together in our new house. I was sure a proposal would follow within the next year.
Four years into our relationship was when I first started to become annoyed that my boyfriend had not yet proposed. Several close friends and coworkers who had dated for less time than we had had gotten engaged and married, and everywhere I went people would ask me “so when are you and your boyfriend getting married?” Even my hair dreader would look at my finger to see if I had a ring every time I went in for a haircut. I began to become bitter every time someone else got engaged. I was no longer happy to see the Facebook posts that “so and so have just gotten engaged”. Instead, my heart brole a little bit more every time I learn that someone else is embarking on the journey that I so desperately wanted to join.
Everything changed four and and a half years into our relationship one April when I was sleeping in and my boyfriend was already up and talking on the phone with his best friend. He didn’t hear me get up and I overheard him tell his friend that he planned to propose that summer and wanted to go ring shopping when his friend was back from Europe the following month. I was estatic and thrilled that it was finally my turn. Over the next few weeks my boyfriend would be the one to bring up proposals and weddings and would ask questions about what I thought of getting engaged at a restaurant verses outside, would I want a small wedding or big wedding? Did I want a buffet or sit down meal? We had a five day trip planned at the end of August and I was certain he would propose then. I told all my friends of my suspicions and they agreed it would happen on our trip. Before leaving I had my hair and nails done and I was ready to go. However, by day four of the trip, the proposal hadn’t happened yet, and as we were leaving to come home early the next day, I knew it wasn’t going to happen then either, and sure enough it didn’t. I had to come home and tell all my friends it didn’t happen, and then return to work the next day, to a desk covered in “congratulations” balloons put up by my workers who also thought for sure my boyfriend would propose. That weekend left me heart broken and I’m still not sure why he never proposed that summer. I am still confident he at one point planned on it, but I’m not sure what happened to change his mind. Four months after the vacation we were having dinner with his parents and his parents brought he topic of marriage up casually asking when we would get married. My boyfriend stated not for a very long time and on the way home I burst into tears and told him how I overheard him last April and how I thought he would propose on our trip but never did and how upset I was about it. He denied the conversation with his friend ever took place and said I must have heard wrong and said he was sorry he upset me and how he wasn’t able to afford to propose for several more years, and asked if I was okay if I didn’t get a proposal for a few more years and I was so upset I was just kind of nodding along with what he said, and then he followed all that up with “and who knows, maybe I already have the ring and said all that to throw you off so you don’t suspect it when I propose”. So I have no idea what to make of that and what to believe. I know what I heard him say to his friend on the phone, so I know he’s lying when he said he didn’t have that conversation but I don’t know why he would have said all that and then not propose. After making the claim he can’t afford to propose I’ve seen him work hard to save up for some bows that cost over $1000 dollars each, so he obviously can afford to, he just doesn’t want to. If he ever does propose, I’m not sure if it would be genuine, or if he would just be doing it out of pity for me, or feel a duty to do it because everyone else is. I’m resentful that he’s put me through this and I’m fed up of waiting. I honestly have no idea if he will propose soon or not, and I’m exhausted of continuously trying to guess.