not sure I’ll ever get a proposal

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
11112 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ch3ls3a :  

Good grief, Bee.  Have you ever sat this guy down and had a single open, direct, honest discussion about marriage?  There is no communication going on here.

That said, your bf’s behavior was atrocious.  Lying about something so serious is a deal breaker for me.  He was gaslighting you. 

Post # 3
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Bee, you need to have a very frank discussion with him and tell him he needs to make a decision. Either he wants to marry you and can give you a reasonable timeline (ie not “several more years”) for a proposal or you need to move on and find someone who shares your desire to get married.

He is stringing you along and toying with your emotions, and none of that is okay.

Post # 4
Member
10070 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

So the biggest thing I see is that there is no communication between you two. You need to sit down and have a serious timeline talk and lay out your expectations and his. If you can’t get on the same page then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate this relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Bee you don’t deserve to be jerked around like that.  Tell him how his behavior is making you feel, set a window together for him to propose and then leave it alone.  If he doesn’t come through, he may be a stringer and it’s time to move on. 

Post # 6
Member
5028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

After you expressed your tearful disappointment and your boyfriend setting a new expectation, that a proposal would not happen for years and years to come..to follow up with “and who knows, maybe I already have the ring and said all that to throw you off so you don’t suspect it when I propose” is just cruel!

Post # 7
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

j9marie :  Agreed. That part made me so angry for the OP.

Post # 8
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

j9marie :  cruel is exactly the right word!

Post # 9
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee

He was clear he didn’t want to get married from the beginning, and now he’s being a gaslighting asshole. If you move on from this relationship, I encourage you to ponder a few things before you get involved with someone else:

1. Although you can’t go back in time, why on earth did you buy a house with someone who told you from the beginning that he didn’t want to get married? Really examine that decision. Did you hope buying a house would change his mind? Did you think he just needed more time to get used to the idea? He told you he didn’t want marriage…

2. When he asked you “Are you okay if we never get married?”, why did you say “it’s not a deal breaker”?  Were you afraid he would dump you? Were you afraid of being single? Clearly marriage is something you really want. You won’t get what you want if you downplay it and pretend you don’t want it.

 

Post # 10
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would be PISSED if he told you all that crap then threw in “who knows, maybe I have a ring already.” even MORE pissed if he thought that all that ‘throwing me off trail’ and ‘it’ll be several more years’ was a legitimate thing to do to someone you love and cherish. Probably a deal breaker to be honest, because it’s more than the words, it’s how he is jerking you around. I mean come on, is he expecting a ring/marriage to him to be some ultimate gold trophy instead of a MUTUAL committment between two adults who love and respect each other?

It’s been 5 years, there IS no real surprise any longer.

Stand up for yourself, discuss what YOU want out of the relationship, and if it doesn’t match, then move on to someone who will be so darn excited to marry you that he WANTS to propose. 

Post # 11
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

So there’s lots I see that went wrong here. At the beginning of your relationship when he said he wasn’t interested in marriage and asked you if you’d be okay with being a forever girlfriend, you said yes even though you meant no! And then you did it again? Why do you agree to things that make you so unhappy? Never do that again! It’s okay to want marriage and be direct about it. I have stopped dating guys like him the first time they said they didn’t want marriage, saying, “Well, this sucks because I really like you but we want different things out of life so bye.” Don’t be afraid to move on if he’s wasting your time. Time is precious! 

Second, he’s lying to you/messing with your head, and that is never okay. You need to tell him “That’s not an answer. I want to know in measurable units of time when or if you intend on proposing.” And add that “the ship has sailed on a romantic surprise proposal” if he tries to accuse you of ruining the surprise. He ruined the surprise by taking so damn long that it’s the only thing on your mind anymore, not you for wanting a say in your future. 

Good luck with everything!

Post # 12
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t meant to be cruel, so please don’t take it that way, but you’ve brought a lot of this upon yourself. Your boyfriend said several times that he didn’t want marriage, and you always brushed it aside with things such as, “It’s not a deal breaker.” You also only nodded your head when he was explaining to you how you’d have to wait several years for a proposal.

He doesn’t want to marry you. He may have originally considered a proposal (the phone conversation you heard), but then he chickened out, likely because he was being pressured to do it by his family, you (even if indirectly), and friends.

If he wanted to propose, he would have. He’s comfortable with what he has, you already live with him, and you’ve been nonchalant in the past, so he knows he can get away with it. I would have been done already, but your final straw should be the crap where he says it’ll be several years, and then claims to have a ring and be trying to throw you off. If he had the ring already and wanted to propose, he would have proposed on your vacation.

Post # 13
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Seeing as how to totally lied to you about what you heard on the phone call (so sorry, bee, that must’ve been so disappointing when no proposal came, I’d have been devastated if I was sure it was coming and it didn’t), I’d say it sounds like he’s not wanting to be getting married. Because if you truly did hear him incorrectly and he still does want to get engaged, he’d have been a lot more empathetic to you and explained more and actually felt bad. But he didn’t. Instead he straight out lied and now buys expensive toys instead of buying a ring. And since you’ve been together over 5 years if this is something he wants, you’d be having talks about it organically, about your future together and the marriage, and it doesn’t sound like that’s happening. 🙁 

Post # 14
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

It comes across that he’s chickened out of the proposal and is now stalling for time. You need to stop ignoring the signs that he isn’t interested in getting married – he’s essentially told you this several times over the last few years.

Don’t keep talking to your friends and colleagues about getting engaged, because it leads to situations like the one you experienced where you have to explain to everyone that it didn’t happen.

I would not have the patience to stay with someone who wasn’t certain about commitment in 2 years, never mind 5. I would begin the process of moving out and putting the house up for sale, or having him buy you out of your share.

No doubt he’ll try and stall for more time by making empty promises. Don’t fall for “It needs to be a surprise!” because that boat sailed ages ago. If he can’t prove he already has a ring, I would walk and never look back. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors