(Closed) Not sure it’s happening in 2011 anymore:(

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

As hard as it may be, if this is seriously bothering you, you should ask him for a timeline. It’s almost been a year and if he isn’t planning on making a move anytime soon, you have the right to know.

Post # 4
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Not sure if this advise would help me if SO & I had the same conversation πŸ™‚

but…

Maybe wait until January 1 to discuss it again and ask for a timeline. It is ONLY 2 months – I emphasise “only” because 2 months is currently feeling like FOREVER to me πŸ™‚ Maybe then he will feel like he is still surprising you. I think  my SO is really crabby with himself for giving me a timeline. Maybe if you don’t get one he will actually act quicker…

Post # 5
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wait until the end of the year when you initially agreed a timscale, if no show of proposal or anything set in motion, just do a catch up conversation and ask for a timeline.

You deserve to know where you stand – but wait it out a bit longer til the end of the year first, otherwise you will look over impatient and that won’t help him (or you) at all.

Post # 6
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee

I totally understand.  We orignally were on the year end plan but I don’t think we are anymore.  My post totally echos yours.  Hang in there.  We’ll all get through it!

Post # 7
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Here’s the thing: After you’ve been dating long enough, discussed it & generally agreed its gonna happen, its not really a total surprise anymore.  The day, the moment, the things he says, maybe even the ring WILL be a surprise, and he needs to think in those terms instead of trying to keep you 100% in the dark about it.  You deserve at least a window of when to expect it, to assure you that you won’t be on the edge of your seat waiting indeffinitely.  Because, lets face it, when you’re super in love and excited to get married to a person, you’re going to get totally psyched about any opportunity where a proposal might happen, and then get down when it doesn’t, but its so so much easier to not get as emotional when your SO has said “its happening between X and Y”

Of course, and I usually don’t like it when people say this, but maybe he was uncomfortable b/c he IS planning to do it before the end of the year & was just hoping you wouldn’t bring it up/think about it?

Post # 8
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@wishingonadream04:  I feel ya… I had the same realization last night that it may not be by the end of this year for me.  My SO will never give me a “yes” or a “no.”  Just tells me that he wants to surprise me.  I know it’s coming… so how can you truly surprise me?  We’ve been talking about marriage for over a year. LOL My SO has never given me a timeline so it’s like I make up my own then get disapointed when that time has passed… so frustrating!  I don’t know if timelines are a blessing or a curse. :/ But I’m not having the best of waiting days right now.

Post # 9
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@UsagiTsukino: I SO agree with what you said there! I just want to run over to my Boyfriend or Best Friend, throw my laptop at him and make him read it! Haha.

Post # 10
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Timelines?? Hmm… I do those for work.. LOL.

No disrespect meant, but I never thought of setting a timeline to get engaged.

The way I feel is that if you are happy and in love, a wedding is just a formality. If you are truly soul mates, then there is no need to rush the wedding production along.

I say let him do it the way he wants to… let him surprise you! Don’t make him feel like you expect it from him in 2 months, 6 months, or even a year! Honestly, what is making you want to crack down on the time frame?

If he’s anything like my fiance, being pressured on something makes him want to do it less. So if you keep bringing it up, feeling hurt by it, letting it affect you… it could ultimately affect your relationship in a negative way.

Take it easy πŸ™‚ Hang tight and I’m sure that if you are meant to be together then the ring will come (eventually… when he’s ready). You know, he might have a good reason that he’s waiting… such as the ring of your dreams is going on sale in the new year! Or he just has to save a little more money from his paychecks… πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

I would smack him! πŸ˜€

I can’t imagine how this whole waiting thing is going to go once February rolls around, thats our 2 year and he only has 3 months after this to get me or leave me. lol. 

Post # 12
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wishingonadream04: From reading your post, it still looks like you might get your 2011 proposal to me.  I mean, it sounds more like he wants you to stop asking him about it so he can surprise you (but still within your timeline).  I know it is hard (I am on this emotional roller coaster with you), but try to commit to not mentioning it to him until mid-January.  If he hasn’t done it by then, have a discussion with him.  I think that if you leave it alone between now and December 31, he will likely propose.

Post # 13
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@Jd64848704: Because 2, 6, 12 months is one thing, but for some relationships its nice to at least know it won’t be 3, 5, or 10 years.  Five years of getting excited at every fancy date/holiday, then getting dissapointed, wondering when/IF it’ll ever happen, all while trying to keep your mouth shut so as to not “pressure him” is extremely taxing.  I know, I’ve lived it.

Since 2005, my Boyfriend or Best Friend kept telling me that an engagement would come “soon” & to just trust him b/c he wanted to surprise me.  Come 2009, I was pretty freaking sick of this, and exploded at him.  Turns out “soon” actually meant that, while he knew he wanted to marry me, he’d put NO thought into the timing of it all.  So we sat down together and mapped out the next 5 years of our lives: what we’d each be doing after graduation, when to get engaged and married, etc.  Obviously its not like we have it all scheduled to a T, but it helped to see where we were headed, because for 6 years of dating I had no idea.

Also, timeline =/= ultimatum.  An ultimatum is “propose to me in 6 months or I’m leaving!”, a timeline is “Where do you think we’ll be in 2-3 years?  Engaged?  Married?  Or do you need more time than that (and am I okay with waiting that long)?”

Post # 14
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Jd64848704:

Timelines?? Hmm… I do those for work.. LOL.

No disrespect meant, but I never thought of setting a timeline to get engaged.

I’m sorry but the “LOL” was a bit harsh and condescending.  Yes timelines are used for work purposes, I’m aware of that, but timelines are helpful when you’ve been waiting to marry the person you love for quite a while.  Also, although I’m not the OP, I think her post was meant to be a vent for others who understood her position and frustration.  Waiting can be an exciting, happy, frustrating and emotional time all at once! πŸ™‚

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@UsagiTsukino: THIS

Post # 15
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@DaisyCakes: I agree.. I thought that particular post was a bit condescending myself.  Just because your own relationship works a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the same for all relationships.  In a lot of relationships (including my own) both parties discuss marriage and decide together when they would like to be engaged, get married, buy a house, etc… there’s nothing wrong with setting timelines so that you know you’re on the same page with your partner.  If one person is wanting to get married next year, but the other isn’t even thinking about getting hitched for at least 5 years… this will definitely cause an issue if not discussed. LoL. 

It just makes sense to me.. I think it’s crazy to sit by silently wishing and hoping, but not saying anything for fear of “pressuring” someone.  That’s not pressure.. that’s letting your needs be known.. and not allowing the course of your life to be completely controlled by someone else.

OP, I’m sorry he wouldn’t give you a direct answer.. that would definitely irritate me as well. But like a previous poster stated, maybe he just wants to surprise you and wants you to stop mentioning it.  If he told you that he would propose by the end of the year, odds are, he hasn’t forgotten it.  I’d give him till January, then there would definitely be a discussion and don’t let him hem & haw and slide out of giving you answers either.  Saying that you will do something and then not doing it is not a characteristic of a good husband.. if you can’t rely on him to do what he says, that is a red flag.  If you do have this convo in Jan (and I really hope you dont!) make sure that you let him know that he needs to keep his word with you.

Post # 16
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

from one not “2011 fiance” to another, all I can say is I’m sorry!!!!

it sucks so much to wait.  why are men so stupid?

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