(Closed) Not sure on whether or not to have children ever.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think you have to decide right now whether or not you want to have kids BUT you should decide before you get married whether or not you and your husband are on the same page as to kids. If you are on the fence, and your husband is ok with either way, it’s probably not an issue. If you are on the fence, and your husband for sure definitely wants kids, then you may run into an issue a few years down the line if you decide you don’t want them and he sees it as a dealbreaker.

Post # 3
Member
9903 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think this is something that really needs to be decided before marriage.

Does you Fiance understand that you many never want kids, not just that you don’t want them right now? Would he be okay with not having kids? Because, if he isn’t – kids aren’t something that can be compromised.

Personally, I’m at a place where I’ll be happy with or without kids. If my fiance decided he didn’t want kids that would be okay, if says he does I’m happy with that as well. If your fiance has a similar attitude then don’t put too much stress on your self to figure this out right now. But if it’s a dealbreaker for him, I think you need to figure it out before getting married. 

Post # 4
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I was, for my teens and twenties, rather ambivalent and uninterested about having children. Kinda knew I did not want them, but at same time believed the socially pervalent idea that one day I WOULD want them because “baby fever” or whatever. So did not close myself off to idea, but at same time (honestly) I always would have been thrilled to find out I was infertile or to “run out of time” and I did not have to think about it anymore. I think honestly I was more in denial about how I really felt as I was going against the grain and the “socially expected”.

I am also several years older than my siblings, and I think part of my feelings came from a “been there, done that”, but I also have many other reasons I won’t get into in this post. 

I was 28 when I met my husband, and I was30 when we married. I still was ambivalent/fencesitting when we married. My husband, who is a few years older than me, knew my ambivalence at the time, but for him it was not a dealbreaker either way. This is important I think. If he had REALLY felt one way or the other, I think we would have both really hesitated (with good reason) to get married. He hypothetically was interested in experiencing fatherhood, but at same time it was not a must. It was more like a lot of other things…like I would like to experience going to space, but it’s not really a dealbreaker if I don’t, ha. It was only a little while after I married I realized that I absolutely and totally did not want children. I am since sterilized, and my husband and I both look enjoy our childfree lives and look forward to our childfree futures too. When I told him I was definitely childfree, he recognized that it meant if he stayed with me it meant no kids but to him it was more important to be with ME and without children, than without me…with or without children. He has been very supportive, and has become more childfree himself over time.

The issue here is whether or not it is a dealbreaker for YOUR fiance, and I can’t tell you that. All you can do is talk openly and honestly with him about your feelings and really find out HIS. Is having children very important to him? Does he imagine one day you will really want kids  and he is holding out hope for that? Is he genuinley okay either way (lots of men, I find, actually are) which actually might be totally fine. 

Post # 5
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the others. My first marriage actually ended for that reason (well, among others). I wanted kids, 100%. He told me he did too. Fast forward. We’re married, I start mentioning kids. He kept putting me off “not now. not right now” and would never answer the question. Not even a general “in a couple years” answer. Then, one night during a fight, he admitted he had never wanted children, but knew I wouldn’t agree, so had told me what I wanted to hear and then hope to just put it off until I decided not to have any. My point? PLEASE don’t do that to him. Tell him how you feel EXACTLY. like hikingbride said, if its a dealbreaker for him, he definitely needs to know before you get married, he finds out, and it gets ugly. 

I only say that, because I have seen several situations where it can cause problems. Mine, for example, as well as a cousin of mine. For years, she was determined, no children. She said it over and over. Over and over. Then she got sick. Had to get a hysterectomy. When told that, she broke down and realized she DID want them, but it was too late. That she hadn’t really thought of that, because it was always “there” and had never considered it no longer being a choice. I’m just sharing different stories, I’m not telling you to have kids even if you don’t want them. 

Next story. Husband DOES not want children. Not at all. Wife does, but agrees she won’t because she loves her husband more. Time goes on, she’s in her mid-40s (somewhere around there) husband comes in, tells her he’s leaving her for his secretary (I think it was the secretary) because, guess what. She’s pregnant (the secretary, I mean). There was also one like that, but it was the wife who got pregnant and the husband told her to have an abortion or he was divorcing her. 

I know all of these are extremely rare occurances, but they are just examples of things that can happen if both people aren’t on the same page. 

Post # 6
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m fence sitting right now which to be honest is relatively recent.  I was much like you in the fact that when we were planning the wedding I was realizing that kids actually might not be in my future.  My husband is ok either way.  In the past year I have realized that I actually am not super excited about having children, despite thinking I would 100% have kids up until this point.  It isn’t as if I don’t like kids — I’m a teacher and I do love my students — but the idea of having some of my own has kind of freaked me out.  Plus I have a billion pregnant friends right now and seeing how their lives have changed makes me even more uninterested in kids.  Like the only thing they talk about is their pregnancies it seems!  I am so uninterested in pregnancy in any way shape or form.  I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to hear about it.  I ABSOLUTELY don’t want to get pregnant any time soon.

I/we are thinking about potentially adopting if we do end up having kids.  I feel like there already are a ton of kids who need homes and why not give one or two of those kids a good, secure, and loving home?  I go back and forth with this too because I do love my no kids life right now.  I love the financial stability we have.  I love knowing that I am coming home to a calm, quiet house.  I love sending my own students home with their parents.

I guess to sum up my rambling…you aren’t alone in this.

Post # 7
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

I went through my teens, twenties, and early thirties not wanting kids. I had friends with kids and I was not trying to go through that. I met Darling Husband when I was 29 and he had kids from a previous marriage. I was fine with that, but was perfectly clear that I didn’t want any kids of my own. He was fine with that and was actually happy that I felt that way. 

As time went on, I began getting the baby itch. At first I didnt say anything because I thought it would go away. We then got engaged when I was 34 and I still had the itch. I told him how I felt. Since I knew I didn’t want kids right then and there, we honestly decided it was something we could discuss later and decide on. We got married and discussed it some more after being married for a year. He was open to the idea. I got pregnant when I was about to turn 36.

I guess my point to you is this is not something you have to decide on right now. If you are both open to having the discussion at a later time and making a decision then, I see no reason not to move forward with your marriage. However if you know now that you never want to have kids and will not be open to the discussion at a later time, then you need to tell him. But remember, just like you changed your mind before, it can happen again. 

Post # 8
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

SLOBee:  This. All the way.

Post # 9
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee

somethingblueorgold:  I understand where your coming from. My brother has autism and was very challenging when I was younger and I was a carer to him. Now he’s older I feel like I have already raised my child, at the age of 28 Haha. 

For me I don’t want children at all, the above is only one reason as to why not. They range from if I have a child there is a very high rate of me having a child on spectrum to me never getting the maternal/baby feeling to me not wanting to give things up that you do when you have kids. 

I think deciding on whether or not to have children is a very personal thing and everybody will have they’re reasons for their yes or no to the topic.  I don’t think you have to decide right now but I would personally say decide before you marry though. It would be unfair on your partner to sudddenly decide after being married you didn’t want kids and he still wants them. 

I would have a serious think about it. Think about the positives and negatives of having children and how you feel towards them, are the negatives something you can sacrifice and is there enough positives either way. I think it’s important to listen to your feelings and reactions because that will give you a hint on how you feel. 

Post # 10
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

somethingblueorgold:  

This issue needs to be hashed out before marriage for the reasons that you mentioned. It’s great that you realize how important it is for a couple to be on the same page about children. Think about the pros and cons of having kids. Realize that the benefits of having kids are mostly intangible and they are based on instinct rather than logic. While I don’t doubt that children bring their parents joy, kids are also a lot of work and cost quite a bit to raise. 

I wanted kids when I was much younger but I came to realize that I was just following social expectations. I had to help raise my younger brother and I was also a nanny. I also noticed how much my mother hated raising kids. All of those experienced turned me off motherhood. My husband is also childfree and he has had a vasectomy. We’re very happy with our childfree life. 

Post # 11
Member
6718 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I tend to agree that at the very least, the two of you need to decide if having children is a deal-breaker. If he very much wants them and is just giving you time, thinking you will change your mind, he is in denial and will probably resent it if you decide against it. But he has to be honest with you about it, and if he refuses to say what he actually wants, then he is setting your relationship up for potential failure. I don’t think that having children should be required of anyone, and if you do not want them or decide against having them, I don’t think you should be pressured. But if he truly wanted children and just said what he thought you wanted to hear before you were married, he may be sorely disappointed later on.

Post # 12
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

I agree that you need to hammer down some details. Not super specific but just that if you absolutely decide you do not want kids that he’s okay with that and if he decides that he absolutely has to have kids you’ll be okay with that. My Fiance has said he could live without having kids but knows I definitely want kids & I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t. 

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