Not sure what her deal is? This is a Long Post 1st time for me, 2nd time for her

posted 1 year ago in Encore
Post # 77
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve skimmed through some of the previous responses and your follow up comments, and I have a few observations that might be helpful for you:

1) You sound like a logical person who is looking for a single source of truth and a yes/no answer for what is causing your SO to make you feel that she is not “healed.” Having a single tidy explanation may be expected in other aspects of life, like in school, what you want for dinner, even figuring out your own trauma history. But humans, and human relationships, are infinitely complex and there could be so many reasons for her behavior. This may be one of those things that you just have to let go if you truly want to have a relationship with her.

2) Your ex if respecting your need to not hear about her exes all the time, but there may be needs that you are not meeting which causes her to bring them up. I agree with PP who say that her comments are probably coming from a place of needing to be reassured, and perhaps needing more emotional vulnerability from you. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you to give her more compliments or tell her how much you love and need her when she hasn’t, in your eyes, “deserved” this from you because she keeps bringing up her exes, this may be an investment you need to make up front to get her to realize that she doesn’t need to prove anything to you.

3) With that said, if you love her, I really don’t think most guys would see this as an insurmountable issue if they know they are committed to a woman and want to help “heal” her. I think your definition of “healed” is something that has bothered the bees, because it assumes that there are prerequisites before a woman is ready/good enough for another relationship. This is probably not what you mean, but it is very easy to rub women the wrong way when for the past 50 or so years we have tried to overcome the thousands of years of history telling us that we are only worth our virginity and purity, whether physical or emotional. I wonder if you are coming across this way to your SO as well, and she reacts by flaunting her exes.

Post # 78
Member
10 posts
Newbee

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james86 :  What is it about the mentions of exes that is upsetting you? I’m trying to understand your underlying emotion about it. Edited to add: I went back and reread this entire thread to try and figure it out and this jumped out at me “Why else would you contantly batter the thought into your S.O’s head that she’s been desired time and time again? ” Are you bothered by the fact that she’s had sex with other people? You seem insecure that she was once “someone’s wife” or even involved with men other than you who she might remember or have a passing thought about. Why is that? 

Post # 79
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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james86 :  

 I started off feeling rather sympathetic towards you OP, and thought your gf was probably not over her ex, and was, in any case, not very sensitive. Even your ( later denied) desire to wish your gf past erased seemed, if not reasonable, then understandable. 

But, dear OP, your petulance and your argumentative stance with anyone who doesn’t fully support you is seriously off-putting. You were particularly unpleasant to bookishbee, going so far as to suggest she had some sort of repression problem because she gave you some honesty and forthright opinions.

l think, though you will probably dismiss this too, is that you’d be better off finding a virgin , or maybe an ex nun, (though of course she may have pics of Jesus around)  Deny it as you may, it is clear you can’t’ handle the existence of exes, and your present gf is clearly still involved emotionally with hers.

PS, was this you ? https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/first-time-groom-second-time-bride-very-worried-that-im-being-compared/

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