Not sure what I'm looking for…a place to vent? Jewish ceremony

posted 2 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 62
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

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newbee5 :  I think you’ve learned a good lesson, Bee. Some suggestions: no matter how upset they might get about decisions that you make going forward, try to keep calm, which I know can be hard. It’s better to step away from the conversation than to get into an emotional argument with anyone. I have had to learn to set boundaries with my parents too, though they still don’t seem to understand them. But if they are behaving inappropriately, I’ll say something along the lines of, “I do not deserve to be treated this way” and then walk away to give them time to cool off and show that I will not engage in any unreasonable behavior.

Always remember that anyone’s behavior reflects on them, not you. And if they’re upset about something you do that is perfectly reasonable, they’re upset because of what they’re making your behavior mean to them. I try to keep that in mind while talking to my family, while also keeping in mind that that isn’t necessarily something that I can change or influence and that helps me not stress out as much. 

Not sure if that is helpful for you, but those things have helped me in my life while also dealing with family members who are opinionated and can be difficult to deal with.

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MissCtoMrsR :  I’m not sure you understand. Judaism is not just a religion, it’s a people and a culture. Generally speaking, in Judaism, you are considered Jewish if you are born of a Jewish mother…it doesn’t matter whether you were raised Jewish or never had anything to do with Judaism, you are still considered Jewish.

Yes OP’s father was out of line, but he wasn’t making a threat or saying that he will do anything make her kids Jewish. He was saying that her kids will be Jewish by Jewish law just by virtue of OP being their mom. As a Jew and without any other context, that’s how I see it.

Post # 63
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I was saying it more like, you don’t have to raise your children in the Jewish religion just because he wants you to.

Post # 64
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

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MissCtoMrsR :  Totally aree with you on that. OP and her husband get to choose how they want to live their lives and how they will raise their kids.

Post # 66
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2449 posts
Buzzing bee

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newbee5 :  I’m so glad that you were able to talk to your Bop and come to an understanding. It sounds like he regretted his behavior, and I see that as a positive sign. Hopefully he will respect what you and your fiance decide. Now you can do the fun part of looking at different ceremony elements (whether Jewish or non-Jewish) and decide what you want to include! Elements of which I feel like PPs have covered pretty well. Not sure what to add other than that I love the Jewish tradition of both the bride and groom being escorted by both parents down the aisle.

One suggestion I’ll make re: having a family member do your ceremony is that you guys should first discuss with him what you want it to look like (and make sure he is still on board), then write your general ceremony (and possibly give him some room for personalization). Because it’s a huge task to ask someone who is not experienced at doing weddings to do all the work of writing the ceremony.

Post # 68
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

This is not just a wedding issue this is an issue for the future too. What happens when you have a child? Which religion will you raise the child in or will it be no religion? I think you should discuss this with your fiancee before you get married. How will your family react if they come over and there is a Christmas tree at your house? Baptism or bris? You need premarital counseling to decide what you and your fiancee want. Can you stand up for what you want without alienating your family? Not sure. If you think it is hard now, the feelings will be even stronger when you have their grandchild. I’m not saying it can’t work out but don’t underestimate the battles ahead. No matter how much we love our husband or wife, we still love our parents and grandparents too. We want them in our lives. I feel like they are giving you some ultimatium here. I am curious how they view your fiancee in general. Do they like him or do they resent him?

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