Post # 1
I just recently go engaged and my FH and I are both 40 we have decided that we would pay for our own wedding. I am having the wedding in my Aunt’s backyard so my Aunt and Uncle are helping me with a few thing that we need in the backyard. I asked my cousin who is their daughter to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. We were talking wedding stuff and I was getting their ideas on some stuff about the wedding then my cousin said what is your Dad paying for? I said nothing he really hasn’t offered anything. Well my dad and I have never had that close father daughter relationship, never have. I have never gone to him or anybody for money. She keep saying that its your dad and he should pay for something. My younger sister just got married an I am not sure if he paid for anything I am not even sure if he walked her down the isle I wasn’t invited to the wedding. That is actually a whole different story. But me and FH already agreed we r paying for everything. But she keep insisting that he need to pay for something. My parent are currently in a nasty money fight about money my mom sued my dad for. They have been divorced for 30 years, it’s a mess and you would think they would end their fight. Well back to my cousin she said well I am going to call your dad and ask him what he is going to pay for. Well I was kind of upset but I kind of changed the subject. Well I get a call from her today saying let get together and have a meeting about what I am going to call your dad about I said NO I don’t want her to do that if its about the money I have it covered she said if he pays for the flowers we will have more money do other stuff. I said I am paying for everything I have not asked anybody to pay for anything. I said if he wants to pay for something he need to offer, I have never had a close relationship with him. She got me really upset and I started crying. My mom was with me she said she just did it because she loves me, but she also doesn’t understand that you don’t have the same relationship with her dad that you have with yours. First off I am 40 and I don’t think I have to go to my dad to pay for something I know he won’t pay for. My step mom had said once they would help out with something but I they haven’t offerEd so far. I told my FH about what happened and he said he thinks my cousin is insisiting I ask my dad because it’s her parent house I am having it at and she sees how her parents are helping me. Am I wrong for insiting she not call him.
Post # 3
Wow… this is a difficult situation that you are in. What I would do is basically say to your cousin exactly what you have said here. Take her out for coffee, tell her that you can kind of understand where she is coming from but that you do not have the best relationship with your dad so do not feel comfortable asking for his money. Explain that you are independant and do not need money from anyone to help host your wedding and that you will make do with what you have. Tell her you love her for looking out for your best interests and that makes you so happy that you chose her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. And then hopefully that will be the end of it 🙂
Post # 4
@dcruz72: PP made a good suggestion. Also, I would tell cousin that the idea of parents paying for weddings is really a fading trend. To have complete control, many couples pay for their weddings themselves. That being said, you are not a 21 year old girl in college but an established woman with a career and her OWN money.
Post # 5
How old is your cousin, and is she married?
It sounds like she has this romantic notion of weddings, and traditions around them. The bottom line is your relationship with your father is none of her business. Honestly, at 40 years old, I would find it odd to expect parents to pay for a wedding. I’m in my late 30’s, and I would never expect my parents to pay for anything (my mother wants to pay for my bridal attire, and hinted at chipping in towards my photographer, but she’s insisted on that since we got engaged).
I would be very upset with someone trying to run interference in personal relationships (parents, Fiance, siblings, etc). It’s between you and him, and if you’re not complaining, it’s not for her to take issue with it. She needs to realize that by interjecting herself, she is probably going to create problems for you and/or your mother.
She sounds like she’s young, still lives at home, doesn’t understand the realities of getting married later in life or the tightrope that is dealing with parents in conflict with each other. In a firm but gentle way, you need to explain to her that you appreciate her concern, but it’s none of her business and if she pursues the path she seems determined to follow, she with create problems and difficulties for you and your mom.
Post # 6
Wow really. First of all even if it’s her parents her house how you are paying for your wedding isn’t any of her business at all.
As for her parents, they are doing you a favor, a fair compensation for them is perhaps doing some yard work/landscaping and this would be great for your wedding and for them. However that is a discussion that needs to happen between you, your fi, and you aunt and uncle it’s none of her business.
Be firm and stand up for yourself. Call her and say I’m handling the money for my wedding. Tell her you don’t need her to speak to your father, and basically she needs mind her business. Her behavior is insulting. I would call your father and tell him to ignore any phonecalls. Or tell him if she calls he should inform your cousin that you guys have spoken and she should direct any questions to you. If you have to, ask her parents to speak to her.
Post # 7
@TwoCityBride: Great idea about giving her Dad a heads up!
Post # 8
Thanks everyone i don’t believe that old tradition that a parents family needs to pay for the wedding My Fiance and I decided on April because that is when we would have the money. I would never expect anybody to pay for anything. Right now nobody has really put out money so far but me buying things for centerpiece ideas. Yes and my aunt and uncle are doing landscaping stuff they were already going to do. My cousin is also 40 and has been married for 16 years but she went somewhere and got married. I am hoping maybe when it time to really spend the money he will pitch in, if not that is on him.