- 4 years ago
Regular bee gone anon for obvious reasons.
I’ve been with my FI for nearly 3 years. I’m early twenties, and he’s a few years older than me. We got engaged around 6 months ago, and had spoken about marriage from early on. We’re not getting married for a year or so, and we haven’t put deposits down.
When I met my FI, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to date him, as I was coming out of a bit of a wild phase with guys after some hurt in the past. He seemed SO reliable, SUCH a gentleman, and honestly he was. He took me on nice dates, treated me to nice gifts and flowers, introduced me to his family early on, got on really well with my family. I’m notorious for choosing strong, silent types and he really fits this bill. Anyway after a year or so, the sex became a lot less frequent, and everything got pretty comfortable. I was pretty happy with it all, wasn’t sure when the honeymoon phase usually wore off, but assumed after year or so, the whole crazy sex in the /kitchen/car/etc. usually slows down a lot. The thing that began to bother me though, was that along with less sex, he stopped giving me affection without me requesting it. He still kisses me on the head in bed when he goes to work, or gives me a peck when he’s going out with friends or whatever – the sort of thing you do with family members.
When he proposed, I was happy, though we and most of our friends and family knew it was coming and it obviously wasn’t a huge exciting surprise. Since getting engaged around six months ago, we’ve had sex three times. Yep, you read that right. I’ve been feeling massively disheartened but have never questioned his loyalty, because for anyone that knows him, he is NOT that sort of guy. I figured his sex drive was limping a little, and that at some point we’d have sex more. We have such fun together, just kicking back, doing nothing, that sex didn’t seem so important to me.
The kissing/hugging was getting too much for me though. Having to physically hold your fiance’s face and ask him to kiss you (as in with tongue/open mouth or whatever) really hurts, and makes you feel like shit. We discussed it a couple of times, and he just said that he was happy with how we are and that he would try to make more of an effort with romantic stuff. Everytime we discuss it, he is sweet and loving for a couple of days and then straight back to normal. When he does reciprocate with affection, it feels forced.
It was all getting really upsetting a couple of weeks ago, so I arranged to drive down and visit my family in my hometown. (I’m currently studying in the town FI and I live in, we rent a property from his parents who are wealthy and invested in properties.)
I had some time to chill out with friends and have a nice time, and my parents liked chatting about the wedding next year and so on. We texted a few times a day, and I eventually brought up the fact that the reason I had gone to visit them was to avoid the situation at home as it was upsetting me. Despite me explaining what was upsetting me – lack of romance, lack of sex, general lack of happiness) he kept insisting that nothing was wrong with our relationship. He said if I really wanted we could talk when I came home. Then I did come home, and it wasn’t mentioned, though I tried to bring it up a couple of times. I’ve been crying a least once a day, for a couple of months, from him pushing me away, from him ignoring my ‘i love you’ or ‘i missed you today’ and so on.
This weekend I was feeling a bit all over the place, and thought I’d give it a go at injecting a bit of romance, and we rented a car, got some food and drove to the beach. He didn’t look at me the whole time, we chatted, listened to the radio, when we finished eating I tried to give him a cuddle and he started the car up and we went home. We ended up watching a movie with some raunchy bits and I was a little in the mood but he wasn’t interested and he went to bed early without me. Today, I went out for lunch with a friend, and then came up. He passed me his tablet so that I could add the food I wanted to our online shopping order and I accidentally went off the page I was using. I pressed the internet icon and it came up with a different page than the one I had been on and it had thumbnails of pages that had recently been open. Every single one of them was either porn, or flirt/chat/date sites. Now the porn, I have no problem with that all, and I fully understand that wanting to watch porn is normal and I do it all the time. However, my FI had always been adamant that he isn’t interested in porn, despite me encouraging him to look at it as much as he wants. So either he’s been lying, or this new use of porn is the reason he won’t go near me sexually. But obviously, more concerning than that is the flirt sites. I started bawling of course, and asking him why he had gone on them. He told me they were pop ups, but I know what pop ups look like and they just weren’t, they had specific girls’ names and locations that he would have had to search for. He didn’t so much as follow me to tell me he hadn’t searched them, just sat and watched tv while I was sobbing in our bedroom.
After a while, I came out and he started saying that I was accusing him, that I was lazy, and that I never tidy up when he asks me to, I never go to the gym when he wants me to etc. etc. I will put my hand up and say I can be lazy with chores and everything, but is that a reason to treat your girlfriend like a roommate or a stranger? At this point he’s sat on the sofa near me, and the conversation has halted with him saying he 100% hasn’t talked to other girls, online or otherwise, and when I asked him if he was still in love with me (because I don’t think that he is) he said that he’s ‘trying hard to’ but he does ‘still love me’.
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for from you lovely bees, but I’ve been trying not to write this post for a few months, and this big blow out has left me no option. FYI I don’t talk to my friends about our relationship, as I’ve tried to keep our relationship between us, because usually when you ask friends/family for advice, they form opinions, and feel that they’re allowed input into the situations.
IDK bees, I’m just trying to figure this out. I can’t imagine being without him, and I love him so much, and I wish I could be happily planning our wedding but I just don’t know what on earth to do. If possible, can no one suggest counselling, because it’s not an option (very pricey and unaccessable in our area)
Sorry for any typos, and thank you for anyone who made it to the end!