- 6 years ago
I’m a long-time bee going anonymous for the sake of this difficult situation.
My FH and I are getting married next year, and I’m planning the whole thing long distance. We’ve been together a little over a year and live in different countries. We lived together for a while but then had to go long distance for financial reasons (and not being able to afford the lengthy legal process to move countries).
When we were living together, he showed me he cared a lot by doing little things but has never been very vocal about his love for me (that’s not to say he never says “I love you” because he says that all the time…I just mean there aren’t romantic spiels about how the sun of his feelings die and set on each passing day with me, or whatever). To be honest, he has never even been excited about the wedding. He does not agree with marriage and expressed to me that he never even wanted to get married (in general). When I asked him why he wanted to marry me, he said he knew he wanted to be together forever as he loves me that much, so his aversion to marriage takes the backburner because this is the easiest way to be together. Needless to say, the fact that he wasn’t as excited to be married as I was hurt a little bit, but I’ve made my peace with it and am very happy that he DOES love me that much.
It seems to me that he’s a great boyfriend and I AM happy with him, but his personality is not translating well to long distance. We have a lot in common, but in some ways we aren’t a lot alike (particularly in how we express our feelings…he’s very reserved and hard to read, even in person, whereas I’m a very sensitive girl).
So here’s where it gets even more difficult… About 2 weeks ago, a male friend of a friend started talking to me on facebook. FH and I have a very trusting relationship and he’s not controlling in the least, so he wasn’t upset by this. When Guy #2 (I’ll call him Guy #2 to distinguish between him and FH) and I started talking, it was very apparent early on that we were VERY much alike. Similar sense of humor, similar personality, etc etc. Now I’ll admit that looking back, it was not a good idea, but we started talking A LOT. When I say a lot I mean 5 hours+ each day (and I do mean every day). He made it very apparent very early on that he thought I was amazing, and I told him point-blank that while I was flattered, I was getting married next year and I had no intention of starting anythng other than a friendship. As soon as I said that, I made an effort to bring up FH often to cement that into Guy #2’s head. I should let you know that he did say that while he really liked me, he said he respected my relationship and wasn’t trying to win any favor or what have you.
I can’t even explain why I talked to him for so long so often other than the fact that with FH, sometimes due to schedules and time difference we very rarely get to talk and I guess I was sort of using these conversations as an outlet to be ok with that (which was wrong, I admit). During my conversations with Guy #2, we told each other a lot of things about our pasts and blah blah and he was telling me about his last relationship and how intense it was, even though they ended sort of badly. While he was talking about his feelings, it kinda got me thinking that wow, we really have great conversations, and I wish that FH would share his feelings more with me like this.
Anyway last night while talking, he laid a bomb on me. He told me he was in love with me. I of course tried to side-swipe that with humor (as I do) to avoid making things awkward, and kinda laughed it off and said “Oh you barely know me, come on, that’s not even possible.” What he came back with left me unable to argue, because I know how strong feelings can be. He more or less said “I know we haven’t known each other long, but I am a very intuitive person and can tell almost right away how I’m going to get on with someone. I can’t help but feel that you’ve really let me in and I’ve done the same, which DOESN’T happen with me. When I wake up, you’re the first thing I think of, and when I go to sleep, you’re the last thing I think of. I tried to distance myself from you because you’re basically a married woman, but found myself thinking of pros and cons to being with you. I couldn’t think of any cons. When I talk to you, I imagine a woman I could marry, a woman I could have children with, a woman I could grow old with, a woman that could be the most important person in my life. You’re the most perfect woman that I will ever meet.”
I should let you bees know that my issue here isn’t leaving FH for this guy. My issue is that talking to Guy #2 has sort of put all the differences between myself and FH in bold letters, and now I’m wondering if we’re really as compatible as I previously thought. FH like I said is not open with his feelings and he’s even admitted that he’s not a very romantic guy; he has never said that to me. I know he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if I love him more than he loves me. The logical part of me realizes that that’s just the kind of person he is, but the emotional part wonders if he even loves me that much at all. I know if we got married, we would be happy, and I don’t doubt that we’d be together forever, but I’m now worried that he would just be settling or something.
I hope all this makes sense and maybe I can get some advice here. Sorry for the novel!
ETA: I forgot to mention I haven’t seen him in 5 months, so this may very well be just me needing to see him again. I’ve already booked my flight to see him in a few months.