(Closed) Not sure what to do… (VERY LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@anon777:  Stop planning the wedding, put the brakes on it, no more $$$ out the door on it. Because–

you need to concentrate on your Fiance, who he is. And also, your relationship with him.

I can’t giv eyou any more advice, having a LD relaitonahip is difficult and I personally am skeptical that it works toward marriage. BUt I hav no idea how long you two were toather bfore you moved to other countires.

IF you are having these kinds of doubts, explore them thoroughly.


Post # 4
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Okay, you need to stop talking to guy 2. It is hard. I would say “I really like you and you have brought up feelings for me. I am engaged and I need to think through how I feel. I need you to respect me enough not to contact me for the next two weeks. And then don’t contact him either.

Think about what you want. You are clearly craving male attention by spending so much time talking to #2. Why did you spend all of that time? Is it to make Fiance jealous? Would you prefer Fiance to spend that time with you? Is it because you are bored? Is it because you are freaking out over whether Fiance is the one? Think about these questions during your two week break and put effort into your relationship with Fiance.

At the end of the two weeks, talk to #2 again. Is it the same feeling or was it just an infatuation? It is unfair to your Fiance to continue this emotional relationship, so you will need to choose, but make sure you choose wisely in a way that allows you to fix whatever may be broken in your current relationship.

Post # 6
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is a tough situation, which will all boil down to what it is YOU need and want in life, and in a partner.  The only way you will figure that out is by distancing yourself from both relationships, and doing some soul-searching.  Sadly, that is not easy to do.

There are many, many factors – as you pointed out so well, as to why you started an emotional friendship with another man.  Being long distance sucks, point blank, and the only way it will work – for anyone is with solid communication.  However, your FH and I communicate in two different ways.

Do I think you love your FH?!  Absolutely, but loving someone and being IN love with someone are two different things.  Before you can figure that out, guy #2 has to be put outta your mind.  He will only complicate things, in that, he has feelings for you and sharing those with you in a time of utter confusion would skew your thought process.  It would skew anyones!  

You owe it your current relationship and to yourself to either work on it – together, or to make a clean break and eventually find someone you feel is more compatible.  I wish you all the luck in the world!!  

Post # 7
423 posts
Helper bee

I would like to start by asking you several questions. You said your issue isn’t leaving FH for this guy. Is there any reason why you don’t want to be with this guy? Is he not trustworthy? Is there something fundamentally wrong with him? Or is the reason your love for FH? Or is it because you consider it unethical to fall for another man while you are committed to your FH? Exactly what binds you to FH?

I think it would be best if you analyze what is missing in your relationship with your FH. You don’t sound like a girl who is happy in your current relationsip. Sure, LD can take its toll, but out of sight should not send you running into the arms of another man. In My Humble Opinion there are deeper issues of compatibility between the two of you and you need to sort it out before you plan your wedding.

Post # 8
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you see FH as settling, you will never be happy. You can’t think of it that way if you’re committed to it working.

I was in your shoes once. I had my same little anonymous account to ask basically the same question you’re asking here. And I wound up with my Guy 2. All engagements are supposed to lead to marriage, but not all of them are meant to.

Post # 10
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Sorry, that sucks! Regardless of whether or not your fiance is the right guy for you, I just want to agree with you / reiterate that long periods of distance can really screw up even the best of relationships. I almost lost my guy when I lived abroad for 7 months – I knew I still loved him, but I couldn’t really feel it because it had been so long, ya know? I agree with PPs, STOP talking to this other guy and try to get home to see your guy asap. I don’t know if you should put the wedding on hold but maybe don’t make any more plans for now… if it’s not til Sept 2013, you should be able to pause for now.

good luck!!

Post # 11
31 posts
  • Wedding: November 2013

Having been in a similar situation and having responded similarly, I can definitely understand the difficulty you are going through. My FI’s personality also sounds like your FI’s.

My Fiance and I have been long distance (not over continents but over states) for about 2.5 years now, and we’ve had ups and downs in that time. Only earlier this year did we finally realize how many of those ups and downs were byproducts of the fact that we are long distance.

There were a few things that really helped me in being content with my Fiance and being certain that he’s the one for me:

1 – If you had to choose between the two as a final ultimate decision, who could you not live without? Who do you really need in your future that, if they were absent from it, would break your heart?

2 – What are the few core, important things that you need in your spouse, and does your Fiance have them? If so, then be content and happy that he has what you need most. When you are feeling discontent, remind yourself that you have what’s most important to you and remember what you love most about him.

This list will obviously be specific to you. For me, while my Fiance isn’t as expressive with grand romantic gestures as I would like him to be, he has all the most important things that I need. He is kind and caring in his own ways, he values and strives to improve his character, and he still loves me despite knowing and witnessing many of my shortcomings, mistakes and flaws.

3 – Communicate with your Fiance about what you need. Let him know that you need to talk to him more, that you need for the both of you to make more time for one another because being apart for so long is hard on you.

4 – A new relationship will always glitter and seem perfect in the beginning. But as time passes, you will without a doubt begin to notice the flaws and shortcomings of that person, just as you’ve noticed the flaws and shortcomings of another person in the past. The question is: which shortcomings can you live with, and which can you not?

I hope this helps. I feel your pain girl. Know that no person will ever be 100% to your liking in this world, so part of marriage and being in a relationship is loving the one you’re with, despite their having things you don’t like! 

Think deeply, and your mind & heart will guide you to the right choice. Nothing is impossible! I know people say LDRs are doomed to fail, but I’m proof that they’re not. If you want to make things work with your Fiance, then you need to be open and honest about what you need. After that, all you need to do is make ways for both of your guys’ needs to be fulfilled! These doubts and difficulties can actually help bring your relationship to a new, more beautiful, more fulfilling level if you give it the chance 🙂 If you realize that your Fiance does not have what you need, then that’s still beautiful because now you’ve figured out how to better take care of yourself and can seek someone that will be more compatible with you. May this difficulty be made easy for you.

Post # 12
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Oh I would be in hot water some man said that to me when my own Fiance won’t….thems are some powerful words.

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