(Closed) not sure what to do..desperately need advice

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Oh honey….I have three words for you…Counseling, counseling and then more counseling….I think his honesty is a good step and that if the two of you are feeling better together and more connected that you should respect and trust that.  But I would take that momentum and involve a trained professional who knows how to help the two of you going forward,  trust issues, insecurity and dishonesty are relationship killers and you CAN get through them if it is what the both of you want.  There’s just a lot of traps and potholes on the way, it’s always better to have help in that scenario….and if the two of you are committed to working through it, it will work, just stick with it and stay honest.

Post # 4
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Nona99:  +1

Yes. Yes. Yes.  Counseling will be a HUGE help for you two to move forward.  It is great that he was honest with you in what he was doing but there has to be communication as to what to do moving forward, why he felt the need to do those things and how to overcome it. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 5
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Nona99:  +1.  Being honest with each other is the first step, good luck!

Post # 6
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think it’s great he finally was honest with you.  Now he needs to prove himself.  He needs to go change his phone number, and maybe get an new email address.  Also, maybe he needs to go through his facebook and delete any ex-girlfriends or girls he feel he may be inappropriate with. He also needs to talk to his mom.  Time to put the past in the past.  No more stories of old girlfriends. She probably doesn’t think it bothers you.  Since it does, it needs to stop.

Next, you need to decide if you can trust him again.  If you can’t, then you need to leave him.  Like the others said, it may take some counseling and some time to learn how to trust again.  Trust doesn’t come back right away, it’ll take a long time. 

I think men sometimes don’t know what thier boundries are.  But it looks like you now he knows what these are and he wants to change. So far it looks like you are doing all the right things! Just keep looking forward!

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@weddingbee123123:  Yes to all the other stuff thats been said but he also need to talk boundaries with his mother. Like her not bringing up his sexual history because it is uber rude and disrespectful

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree that it is great he was FINALLY honest with you. The decision over whether or not you can trust him is yours and yours alone. If you know in your heart that you don’t think you will be able to get over things in the past, it is best to cut your losses.

Counseling is probably going to be your best bet. That way you can work on not only your obvious communication issues, but the trust issues as well.

Keep your chin up!

Post # 9
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow, I don’t blame you for saying something about his mom always bringing up stories about his exes to you or in front of you. That’s so disrespectful of her. You’re Fiance flirting with other women in chat and texts is not ok, his honesty shows that he is willing to fix his behavior.  If he is genuine about it over time you will begin to trust him again.

Post # 10
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

+1 +1 +1 to everything !!!  You, as a couple, can do this.  Counseling for both individually and together.  It will not be easy, some days will be rough, some days great, but soon the great days will out number the bad and eventually, it will be in the past.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 11
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

Is the guy worth so much to you that you are willing to go through counselling, codependecy and maybe months of mental torture till you rebuild your trust in him? Is he giving that much in return to you? When it comes to forgiveness, In My Humble Opinion modesty is the best policy. Be modest about your ability to forgive. Don’t bite more than you can chew. Forgive only that much that you are able to forget. Are you ready to forget his behavior with the other girls? Totally put it out of your mind, or maybe even look back and laugh over it some day? Only if you have that much strength and that big a heart should you stay with this man. I know I couldn’t. 

Post # 12
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve been through a similar situation with my Darling Husband. He cheated on me before we got engaged but the way he was AFTER is what made me stay. I didn’t think I’d ever stay with anyone that cheated on me but you never know until you’re in the situation. If your SO is completely transparent with you and being honest it’s definitely a good sign. He basically has to give up all his privacy and freedom to gain your trust back. Darling Husband (SO at the time) gave me the passwords to all his accounts so I can check if I wanted to. He would always check in with me (and still does) but our relationship is completely different than what it used to be for the better. If you think your relationship is worth it then continue to build on the trust he’s trying to gain from. But be SURE  this is what you want and he’s really showing a difference because you will forgive but won’t forget. No one can expect you to just forget what happened and that’s what the hardest part is after forgiveness. In time it gets better but it’s always gonna be there. I don’t regret taking my Darling Husband back because he’s been wonderful and is the man I’ve always wanted. We couldn’t afford to get counseling but if you can then go for it! If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. Good luck and hang in there J

Post # 13
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Have not read PP’s posts, but wanted to share my .02.  Sorry if repetative 🙂

There was a lot going on in your post, OP.  On one HUGE hand, at least (or hopefully) all has been ‘aired’, and you are now in the know of the entire truth, and now have the info you need to work on this with him/build the trust up, or not. 

It sounds to me that you are dealing with ‘ticking time bomb’, and unless he seeks counseling on his own to figure out why he does these things (admittedly in every relationship), and how to fill the void that doing these things had filled in the past.  That would be my #1 ‘stipulation’ in moving forward.  There is a big chance HE has a problem, perhaps addiction, and an even bigger chance he may do it again. Sorry…not trying to be a debbie downer. 

At the same time, you as a couple need to work out how to ALWAYS be open with one another, and especially discuss how this is not something you will just ‘get over’, but rather how you, rightfully so, will need time too.  You need to find a way to move forward, and not live in anger/resentment, or even not become a person whom is constantly questioning his every move and action.  Yes, in the immediate future you probably will, but a lifetime of it will make you exhausted! 

The sad truth is he did cheat, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally/mentally.  He may have never had the intention of being with these women, but one of the worst feelings is the thought that someone else believed she could have had your partner.  And she believed it because of the things he said!! 

Do a lot of people of go thru this (per your question)?! Sadly, they do.  And although some invest the time to work it out, others decide they would rather cut their losses, and find someone whom they trust 100%.  I hope you get all you need and want from this situation, including a 100% trusting relationship!

Post # 15
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@weddingbee123123:  Okay, I’m going to point out the red flag here. Your SO saying he is already healed and just by confessing to you he is over his philandering habit doesn’t mean that he is truly healed. It only means that he doesn’t want to be treated for his disorder. Obviously he has issues that he needs to get advise on from a qualified therapist. Real healing takes years and a lot of patience on both sides. If he is claiming to be a changed man already thanks to your positive influence, I don’t see this statement as anything other than insincere flattery. I could be wrong but this is my personal view.

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