(Closed) Not sure what to do/say regarding DH’s job

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is he always like this? or is it temporary? Because i understand not wanting a workaholic husband but some fields are just like this (engineering, construction, etc…even the lowly paper boys end up working more than 40 hours a week. Salaried folks get taken advantage of, too). If it’s temporary-something he’s due to get ahead, or if he’s concerned that he may not have the edge and possibly get laid off (i just had a friends husband get laid off, so I wonder about that), he may be working as much as he can to get on everyone’s “good” side.

Sometimes you do what you have to do. How many hours a week is he working? maybe instead of asking him to NOT work overtime, ask him about cutting back. If he’s working 50, maybe he can do 45.

But at the same time, you both have to be understanding and find a compromise. It’s not always easy to say no and not every job is a 40 hour a week gig. But if your main underlying concern is that he just lets people walk all over him, that’s a different issue that is just leaking out into the job thing.

I dunno, talk to him about it (again) and keep on it. Maybe he can plan on working OT just Tues/Thursdays. Or flexing his schedule (if he can).

Do you work full time? My husband wasn’t as understanding about my schedule/travel/conferences when I was working and he wasn’t. He really noticed it a lot more but now that he works full time, i think he’s more understanding than he used to be. It’s cuz he missed me. But my job also paid the bills and I couldn’t afford to be on the bad list!

Post # 4
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’d suggest approaching the subject on a weekend, at a time when he’s not stressed or hasn’t just come from work.

I seriously doubt he wants to work long hours for low pay so you’re not going to be telling him anything he doesn’t already know. I’m sure that in the current economy he’s happy to have a job.

HOWEVER, this doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid and you aren’t right to feel lonely or upset. You absolutely do. So when you brooch the subject start by telling him that you’d love for him to be able to be around more so the two of you could spend more time together and he could have more free time (rather than blaming him for letting people pile work on him).

See how he feels about the situation and what he thinks he could to to make it better. Can he start telling some people no? Can he agree that on certain days he’ll make sure to leave on time (not every day – just start small)? Eventually the goal would be for him to set better boundaries with work obligations, but he’s also probably working very hard to establish himself in his career so don’t discount that.

Post # 5
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think your husband’s hours sound dreamy.  I think it is unreasonable for you to expect him to stick to 8-4 – these are his minimum hours and very few salaried people work only 40 hours a week – but it does sound like his work is taking advantage of him and his work ethic.  Still, by working for a small non-profit, he will be needed by the organization to work more than what his job description details, and by nature, non-profit jobs do not pay well. 

That being said, my problem would be that he doesn’t take the vacation days he is given for his hard work!  He deserves the time off and likely needs that time to really recover from work.  I think it is good that you encourage him to work less – this is just because you love him and want to spend time with him!  If you find out when his work is giving him a day off, maybe you can make plans during that day together so he won’t feel like he can blow you off for his job?

As far as sex, I would try dressing up sexy and greeting him right when he gets home.  I think that once you start watching tv or relaxing, that is when the tiredness sets in and sex is probably not going to happen.  Maybe you could also try morning sex?

My husband works a ton of hours too and I also have to encourage him to take a break, so I see where you are coming from and I understand your frustration.  Good luck, and I’m sorry you are upset 🙁

Post # 6
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m salaried and I would probably get fired if I only worked 8-4. Nobody I know works 40 hour weeks. Actually, the only people I know that work that few hours a week are hourly employees. The ecpectation with a salaried position, in my opinion, is that you stay till the job gets done. If you think he is getting underpaid, you and he should have a talk about him trying to find another position. But I think you expectations regarding his work hours may be a little unbalanced.

Post # 9
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

Yeah, honey, I think you’re right. There’s no reason an entry level job should be so demanding. I know you said he took job rejection personally, but you need to let him know that his decisions are impacting your marriage in a negative way. No matter how sexy you dress, it’s a well known statistical fact that stressed out, overworked, tired men have a diminished sex drive. I’m crazy analytical, so when I approach Mr. SD with an argument, I always have talking points. I’d totally recommend it for you, or to approach him in whatever style is comfortable for you. Here’s the points I think of off the top of my head:

1) It’s not a career job. There’s no reason to sell your soul to something you don’t love, and won’t be doing forever.

2) It’s taking advantage of you, and your marriage. He’s telling you his job is #1, not you or the relationship. And that’s bad news. I mean, couples have different schedules, but obviously sex once a week won’t cut it for you. And if he doesn’t satisfy your needs (within reason) that’s a danger point.

3) He needs to his work and himself to be valued at the right amount. Mr. SD gets major pissed when I underbid a deisgn job. It’s not fair to me, or our family. I spend more time, and get paid less money. So, less time with SD for little compensation. Lose-lose. If his job doesn’t pay him what he’s worth, he has to look elsewhere or it will damage his self-confidence and the way you perceive him.

That’s what I’ve got so far. Good luck talking to him. Maybe you could pull up a few job openings on Craigslist or Monster to show him he has options out there. You could challenge him to fill out 2 applications a week, and see ifi he can find a job that fits your family better.

Post # 10
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s honorable that he’s working at a shelter, but it’s time to make money and pay the bills. He’s wasting his talent and education! I’m such a nagger, I don’t know how you put up with it this long!

Post # 11
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

At first I wasn’t feeling sympathetic because the hours sounded normal, but after more details, I can see that you’re right: he’s taken a menial job with no opportunity for advancement and getting paid less than a living wage to do several jobs more than full-time. He couldn’t even get a second part-time job with the hours they work him to pad his income. Job searching is no time for a weak ego; he needs to start looking again. Spending too long in a dead-end job is going to hurt his career, and possibly irreparably. He needs to shore himself up for a lot of rejection and just get himself out there already!

Post # 13
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sounds like things are looking up a bit – I’m glad!

You may want to look into the Fair Labor Standards Act: http://www.flsa.com/coverage.html  If your husband really is only making $20,000/year, he is underpaid according to exempt/nonexempt regulations. Sounds like he doesn’t want to make waves at work, but it might be in his best interest to mention that to his supervisor. If he felt like playing hard ball, I’m sure he could complain to the Dept of Fair Employment and Housing, and if they find that your husband is, in fact, not in an exempt position, his employer would owe him OT for all the time he’s put in. That’s not a position an employer wants to be in, so they might be inclined to raise his salary over the minimum to keep that from happening.

That said, I do know how you feel. FH hates his job, yet he’ll work 50-60 hours a week because “they need him.”  He does get paid the OT, but we are in a position right now where we don’t need the extra money, and I’d rather have more time with him at home. For FH, I think it’s a self-esteem thing. He likes to feel needed at work, and he thinks that his employer is showing “appreciation” for his work by asking him to work more. Drives me bonkers. Fortunately for me, his work is quite seasonal, so come fall/winter, he’ll be back to regular hours. Sounds like you made a good start with your husband – good luck!

Post # 14
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Does he enjoy his work?  Does he enjoy his leisure time? 

I agree with you, over 40/hr weeks are okay if you’re getting paid decently – for what he’s making he should be able to enjoy his leisure time!

On one hand I think having a guy with a too good work ethic is better than a guy with a bad one :).  But, the current situation seems very suboptimal and I’m a huge believer that if your current situation isn’t what you want – CHANGE IT!  There are so many things one can do – if the life you’re living isn’t the one you want to be living it’s up to you to do something about it.

I would talk to him more about why he feels that he can’t say no etc.  Try asking, as gently as possible, why he feels more comfortable saying no to you then to them.  Depriving you of an interesting companion with verve in the interest of giving them more free labor.

I would also say he needs to apply to dozens of jobs.  If I had a guy who had such a hard time applying – I’d probaly apply for him, send those resumes out!  (With his permission of course). 

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