(Closed) not sure what to do…..we might call it off

posted 9 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 3
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

have you considered couples’ counseling– I think you should both go together. try to see it from your partner’s point of view: her desires aren’t being met in this relationship and she’s reluctant to commit to a lifetime with someone who doesn’t meet her desires.  

has your drive changed? could this be medical?

(that said, I want to agree with the other bees below me. even if her needs aren’t being met, she shouldn’t be seeking this kind of attention from another person unless you all have an open relationship.)

Post # 4
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I hate to say it but it doesn’t sound like she is wanting the same things as you anymore. And, from the defensive tones she’s having I personally would be worried she and R did more than cuddle and dance.

I’m really sorry honey but I think you probably need to have another real talk and lay it all out there because I don’t think she’s being totally honest with you about her and R and I am thinking that’s part of her “funk” issues with the wedding.

Wish you luck!

Post # 5
2088 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like she’s completely checked out of the relationship. It also sounds like her and R have done more than just cuddle, hence her defensive-ness.

I’m so sorry ๐Ÿ™

Post # 6
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i agree with bookworm88 that couples’ counseling might be a good idea, especially for figuring out how to communicate and compromise more healthily about sex. the thing about “wanting to be lusted after and looked at with love in their eyes”–that could just be a natural change with time–i def don’t get the same blushy-crushy, butterfly kind of feelings about my hubby that i did when we first met 5 years ago. but if she’s not satisfied with the way your relationship has changed over time, maybe she isn’t ready to settle down. and it does sound like she’s maybe having an emotional, if not physical, affair with R, and discussing what boundaries for your interactions outside your relationship would be good

Post # 7
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

i am so sorry that youre going through this ๐Ÿ™

im going to look at the flip side of the coin, and my advice to you would be to examine what YOU want out of a marriage and a relationship – and what “deal-breakers” you have in your relationship, and if you and your Fiance are seeing eye-to-eye on them

after you’ve done that, talk to her and see where she stands with everything – her feelings could be anything from cold feet to an unwillingness to get married, and you have the right to know where you stand and where she sees your relationship going

best of luck with everything, and try to keep your head up

Post # 8
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so very sorry to hear about the stresses you’re going through. Unfortunately, it seems like a battle for any couple, same-sex or not. I’ve fought myself with the whole, “Is he still going to look at me the same way” or “what if feelings change” type of thing. Everyone still wants to feel “hot or sexy or needed” even after being in a relationship for a while. When Mr. Summy tells me I look HOT, or those pants make me look sexy .. I giggle like a school girl.

I’m not saying you’re in the wrong or she’s in the right — but if you love her and want the future you’ve dreamt of with her, then maybe you all should try the counseling route. That should give you the insight and knowledge you need to know if she’s serious about it and the things you can do to make it work, or if she just wants to be with “R”.

Good Luck!

Post # 9
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Howdy, I wanted to chime in here as well.

First, I wanted to say I’m sorry and that sounds hard.  I also wanted to ask about the boundaries on your guys’ relationship- are you okay with her cuddling that other girl? Dancing like that? Did she know how you felt before she did it?  I’m in a same sex relationship too, and that wouldn’t fly with me… I know the line between “friend” and “more than friend” can get blurry in GLBT relationships but to me, that clearly crosses it.

Also, in my relationship we also have mismatched sex drives (she wants it allthetime, me not so much).  However, what I have found is that even when I’m not in the mood, sometimes I give in and let her try to get me in the mood… and it works, and I end up enjoying it.  I don’t always give in, but when I do that’s generally what happens.  Have you tried that? Have you tried taking the initiative and “surprising” her with sex one time when she’s not expecting it?

I’m not saying that this is all your fault.  The sex thing is definitely something that could be addresses at couple’s counseling if it’s become this big of an issue.  The dancing and snuggling thing… well, you need to decide for yourself if you’re truly okay with that or not. and go from there.



Post # 11
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hey hun, so sorry to hear you’re going through this! I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if Fiance was cuddling with someone else…and then casually told me about it! I would NOT be ok with that, and you shouldn’t be, either.

To be honest, I agree with PP that it sounds like maybe she isn’t so sure about getting married, and is using this girl as an excuse.

When you talk tonight just be honest about how hurt you are-maybe the fact that you’re not reacting is bothering her, and making her feel like you don’t care about her or somehting…

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel upset AT ALL, good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

in response to a couple things in your update…

“I hide my emotions pretty well….at least I think so.” you shouldn’t feel like you need to hide your emotions from your partner–you should be really honest about what you’re feeling. this was really hard for me in some of my early relationships, i tend to hide my emotions as a way of protecting my vulnerability and pride, but it’s no way to build good communication

also about who you see for counselling–def don’t go see her sister, and she shouldn’t either–you need an impartial person who doesn’t know you personally

Post # 13
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@finnaroo: A big +1 to what you said!


@sarahek.1103: It sounds like there’s a lot going on here. I agree with some of the PP that there’s a chance she’s not sure if she’s ready to get married and is using this other girl as an excuse. That said, it sounds like she has something going on with this other girl (even if it’s not physical, it sounds like it’s def emotional).

As for the issue of the differing sex drives, this is something you guys need to talk about and figure out together so you’re BOTH happy! I agree, that if you do go the counseling route, do NOT go to her sister. You need a neutral party who doesn’t have any affiliation with either of you!

Post # 14
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Im so sorry hun ๐Ÿ™ i really hope you guys can sort it out,

what I hear from what she was saying to you is that she needs more affection from you. Looking outside the relationship is really not cool, but at the same time it sounds like she has been telling you this for a while. Please don’t take this the wrong way I dont want to make you feel bad I Just think it is important to see this from her point of view also.

I agree with some of the other bees, counselling may help you work out things and find a compromise that meets both your needs. In the mean time I would put the wedding on hold, I am so sorry to say that and I know that this must be breaking your heart, but the pressure of a wedding will not be helping things right now.

I hope it all works out for you and I hope what I have said has not made you feel awful.

Post # 15
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@sarahek.1103: How did your chat go last night?  Were you able to clear a few things up?  Hugs.

The topic ‘not sure what to do…..we might call it off’ is closed to new replies.

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