(Closed) Not sure what to feel……….posted 9 years ago in Rings
- 9 years ago
- Wedding: November 1999
Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my husband. He controls our finances because he’s amazing with budgets and calculations, whereas I’m perfectly fine with letting him do that, as it’s not my cup of tea at all. He’s practical, not understanding why we have to spend money on things that aren’t essential. When we first got married, we’d get into arguments over my required toiletry items. He grew up without any sisters, so this is why I’m assuming he didn’t understand all ladies need make-up, moisterizer, hair care items, etc. I got tired of it and now anytime I need something he’d consider not essential, I just go to the store alone and get it, and when I get home, I say, I needed mascara so I just got some. Okay, he says. This is our compromise, I suppose!
So, I understand a little about his perspective, because my husband’s like that, too. (We’re also grad students). What is NOT cool, however, is him calling you materialistic because you want what you want. You’re not asking for much. As others have pointed out, you can get a gorgeous ring on a super low budget. Just because HE doesn’t get it doesn’t make it okay to belittle your desires and make you feel guilty.
My former wedding set cost something like 600$. After nearly a year, it wasn’t working for me, for a number of reasons. My husband knew I was unhappy with it, and when I began researching jewelers to custom make my ring, he was all for it. My mom and sister unexpectedly sent me some gold they never wear, and I had it refined for a nice amount. I thought we could put that toward my new ring. My husband was hoping that we’d make money on the gold, but I knew that a new ring would exceed the amount (as I wanted some amazing custom work). He finally said, I want you to get something you love. Then he said we could raise the budget for it!
Anyway, my point is, your husband needs to learn how to compromise. Honestly, he sounds like he’s really hung up on making and saving money. Nothing wrong with that, but yikes, live a little and get your lady something nice for a ring. I mean, you’ve changed your major so you can make more money. This sounds a little weird to me, but my life philosophy is do what you love, and the money will follow. I digress, it’s water under the bridge now, anyway, so, he’s got 20k saved, right? Well, he should be able to part with <1000 for a right. Obviously, I don’t know your situation. I don’t know IF that’s okay. But it’s important to you. He can and should get you something beautiful.
Also, there’s no law saying you can’t get an engagement ring after the wedding. Girl! If you can afford it after the wedding, when you guys have your awesome jobs, you SHOULD.
Actually, wait. You changed your major to make more money cause he wanted you to, but he can’t change his frugal sensibility to get you a nice ring? (It’s early. I’m still processing this.) I really think he should get you a nice ring. Sorry if this post is incoherent. But yeah, I think you deserve an e-ring.
- 9 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
@anonymous7890: Oh dear, this is gonna be off topic, and this is gonna be long. I hope you don’t take this badly. These are just my opinions based on what I’ve read, and of course I don’t know the totality of your situation. Feel free to ignore or stop reading because I know it’s long.
From what I’ve read, I think you both need to reconsider if you’re both ready to get married, financially and maybe emotionally too. The reason I say this is when I saw your response
“We’ve already been living together for 3 years and we’re practically already like a married couple so it just makes sense to get married after graduating.”
I get the financial part, and that’s not really the major thing. A lot of people get married with very low budgets which is not a problem. However, since financial stability is important to your boyfriend, it would be more practical to wait until he has enough money to afford getting married. I’m the practical one in our relationship too, but I’ve learned to loosen the purse strings for the wedding because it’s become important to me and my fiance.
Getting married is not just a paper, to make things official, it’s a joining of lives, a partnership where you both would have a say on what will happen to your lives. And that’s where the emotional readiness comes in. Like PPs, I notice that it’s been more around what HE wants, and what makes sense to HIM. Now, isn’t part of what HE wants, making you happy? And as much as you’re willing to accept his frugality, has he accepted that you do need those frivolous things sometimes, as a girl does? It’s all about give and take.
You’re both still young. You can still prepare and grow more so that when you’re both ready, you can go and have the wedding that you BOTH would want.
- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
It’s good that he’s responsible with money and is thinking about your future, but I think he’s taking it to extremes! Unless he expects to NEVER spend money on indulgences of ANY kind (including vacations and new toys for himself) for the rest of his life, there is absolutely NO excuse to not get you a ring, especially since you’ve stated that you don’t even want a diamond! Even if he doesn’t think he can afford your dream ring, some very beautiful rings can still be had for a few hundred dollars (or less) so I can’t see how any man with twenty thousand dollars sitting in his bank account right now can possibly justify not buying any ring at all! Personally, I think it’s rather cheap and mean of him to threaten not to get you a ring if you don’t get a high-paying job after you graduate. I’m not sure I would still have married my husband if he had said such a thing to me! Saving money and preparing for the future is one thing but there’s just NO need to be THIS miserly and cheap with the people you love!
Like the other bees, I don’t really buy into the whole bit about the ring being a symbol of how much your man treasures you, but a ring obviously means a lot to you, and what means a lot to you should also mean a lot to HIM because he loves you. When you love someone, you do what you can to make the other person happy. Obviously, he should do his best to stay within his means, but overall, your happiness should mean more to him than money! Maybe you can compromise and get a less expensive ring, but yes, in my opinion, he needs to get you SOMETHING! Besides, I don’t know how courthouse marriages go because I’ve never seen one before, but the exchange of rings might actually be a REQUIREMENT (as it was in my wedding ceremony)!
Edit: I just noticed the part about him calling you materialistic. Oh, man, that would NOT go over well with me at all and my husband knows better than to think that he’d ever get away with saying anything like that to me! Your boyfriend shouldn’t get to call you names just for wanting one thing! Besides, if anything, HE’s the one who’s being materialistic here because he wants to hoard all of his money!
- 9 years ago
He needs to buy you a ring, end of story. I bet he’s trying to throw you off.
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