(Closed) Not sure where else to turn…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am so sorry you are in such a shitty situation.  Honestly I cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I wouldn’t stay. I know you are pregnant and I know you love him but honestly this isn’t the first or even second time that he’s hurt you or lied to you.  He can’t just keep buying you new rings and making empty promises to make you stay.  He sounds like he’s full of shit, and I wouldn’t trust that things haven’t gone further with ‘Frank’ or this woman at work.  No matter how drunk, no one that loves you should pull this crap.  Ever. You’re better than that.

Post # 4
1152 posts
Bumble bee


To your guy being emotionally (and maybe sexually) unfaithful to you – repeatedly?

I think it the texting was a one-time thing, maybe you could forgive and forget. But this keeps happening, and he’s still hiding it. He knows that you know and doesn’t seem to care – he obviously doesn’t have any respect for you, or maybe it’s just that his selfishness is more powerful.

With the child in the picture, I wouldn’t walk away right off the bat – but I’d let him know what you were thinking. That if this continues, you won’t put up with this kind of repeated abuse. That if you get one more sign of infidelity, you’ll leave. And mean it. You have to be prepared to follow through with a promise like that or he’ll keep walking all over you.

Personally, I hope he shapes up. I hope it is just cold feet, and he gets over it and mans up. I am so sorry this happened to you. My heart is breaking for you. I hope everything turns out okay. <3

Post # 5
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t claim to be a relationship expert by any means, but to me a bunch of those things you mentioned are huge red flags. If it weren’t for the baby I would say walk away because there is no trust in your relationship, and trust is one of those things you have to have to be happy with someone. However, you are pregnant with his child, so it’s not just you you have to be concerned about. I would seriously reconsider marrying someone who hides emotional cheating like this, and dissolve or delay the engagement. You might try couples counseling if he would agree to it.

Post # 6
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I think I would demand to see the message and if he refuses tell his you will walk if he doesn’t show you the messages immediately.  I would go into this with a list of demands: immediate couseling, he start looking for a new job, and zero contact with her.  If he refused or I caught him in a lie, I would be gone.  Yes, children need two parents, but not at this cost.  Your baby is going to absolutely be the light of your life.  You can’t even imagine right now how in love you are going to be when your little one gets here.  It will get better, hopefully he will get his head out of his a*s and show up.  If he doesn’t, just know that the best truly is still to come.

Post # 7
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He has never, not even once, followed through on his promises to stop talking to (and forming relationships with) other women.  He’ll continue as long as you continue to put up with it.  You’ve caught him in several lies, but you keep coming back.  What you consider love I consider codependence.  Time to get to a counselor and figure out why you don’t feel like you deserve better – he either needs to be held to a higher standard or you need to find someone else who will actually be faithful (or else be on your own for awhile).

This is an unhealthy cycle that you’re enabling.  What I’m reading in your OP is that he has no loyalty and faithfulness to your relationship and your baby.  I don’t care what his words say… what do his actions say to you?  Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the black and white of it.

Post # 8
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’ve been with a man just like your fiance (twice actually). It’s not just her doing it, I can guarantee it.

I think you know from writing this post that you are not overreacting. If you need someone to actually tell you that, I will gladly – you are NOT overreacting. And honestly? You will not be happy staying with this man. I hate to say that because I know how it feels to be pregnant with the child of a man like this. But you will not be happy with him, and you will never feel secure in your relationship.

Post # 9
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am so sorry you’re going through this and sending lotsa hugs!!!

He has said some mean hurtful things to you, lied to you, betrayed your trust and after everything he apologizes. I believe he’s not ready to be engaged/tied down despite what he says. He’s not behaving like a loving Fiance soon to be father by his actions. If he truly wants to be with you he needs to change his number so “Frank” or anyone else doesn’t call anymore. He needs a new number and not to give it to anyone without a penis!!!! 

Post # 10
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You don’t deserve to be treated this way. The cheating is inexcusable and it sounds like he is big on talking change but not doing it. And don’t even get me started on the yelling at you. That is emotional abuse. There is always the potential for abuse to escalate and even if it doesn’t, it’s not something that will just go away. Being drunk isn’t an excuse to treat you like that and it will happen again. Please don’t stay and have a family with this man. You and your child deserve better than the treatment you will get.

Post # 11
25 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. It seems like he was never especially ready to commit and settle down and rather than be upfront with you, he chose to repeatedly disrespect you and go behind your back. You never want to go into a marriage with someone you can’t trust. I’m sure being pregnant makes it exponentially harder to walk away, but you sound so unhappy and he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’s going to change and suddenly become a committed husband. I would focus on building a relationship with him as a coparent rather than a romantic partner. 

Post # 12
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

The fact that he has continued to contact other women makes me think that this is not a “cold feet” type of thing.  (I’m not even sure that if it had only happened with one woman could it have been attributed to being from “cold feet”).  

Because this is clearly a pattern and you feel the need to check the phone bills and his phone, you don’t appear to trust him.  I don’t blame you.  He is not trustworthy.  A man who is serious about being in a committed relationship wouldn’t be contacting other women behind your back.  

As hard as it may be, I’d consider leaving him, even though you love him and are pregnant.  He has shown that he is not worthy of your trust and does not respect you (as evidenced by his continued deception).  That does not seem like a healthy environment to raise a child.  Give it some thought.  I’d also consider getting tested for STDs/STIs.  He has proven himself dishonest before and who knows what else he has lied about.  You need to protect your health and that of your baby.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My heart breaks for you.  Sending virtual hugs your way.

Post # 13
2890 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh honey I am so sorry you are going thru this. I honestly don’t see much hope in this situation. He could get a new job but there would just be a new woman shortly thereafter. This seems to be his MO doesn’t it? You are right not to trust him. Always follow your gut instinct.  He doesnt seem to care how much he hurts you and I really wish I could knock some sense into him for you 🙁 If it were me I would leave now and hopefully he will forget all about you and the baby. That may sound harsh but it would make your life a whole lot easier and less drama than shared custody, new women in and out of your child’s life etc. I know how painful this is and sending you big cyber hugs. If you ever need to talk I am here.

Post # 14
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Personally, even with a child, I wouldn’t stick around for this. A relationship should be built on trust and honesty and he can’t offer you either. These things keep coming up over and over again. I think you should give him a list of demands, things that MUST change if this is going to work, and if he refuses, or lies, or screws up, that would be it. Your child will be much happier even if his or her parents aren’t together if his or her mom is happy, I know from experience.

Post # 15
4323 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Just a bit of Weddingbee related advice: your post would be easier to read if you broke up the text in manageable blocks. With long walls of text, the words start running together, and many bees won’t bother to respond because of it.

As for your problem: Your Fiance does not respect you. Take it at face value. He has told you in many ways that he doesn’t want to be with you through actions. Why else would he cheat>? Why else would he keep responding to women that aren’t you? It’s a tough pill to swallow and I’ve been in your shoes before. That’s why I am saying it as bluntly as I am, because you need to come to the realization that his actions speak louder than words.

If he was as sorry as he said he was, he wouldn’t be acting this way, and he’d be making damn sure you knew how much he loved you, and ONLY you. He’d be transparent, he’d be going to counseling, he’d be bending over backwards for you. But he isn’t.

I hope you realize that there are better people in life who will be willing to treat you like gold. It’s just not this guy, and you don’t deserve this guy. You deserve better.

Post # 16
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry.  I would leave him. He has proven again and again that he is a worthless jerk and that he breaks promises all the time.  He will never change, and will never reform.

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