(Closed) Not sure where I stand with him

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

So you have to act a certain way for a certain amount of time before he’ll consent to blessing you with the great gift of his hand in marriage?  Fuck that noise.  He should have married you when you got pregnant, and would have if he actually had any interest in marrying you.

Post # 3
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Getting surprise pregnant after barely dating for a year should not automatically mean marriage. It’s not 1955 anymore. I think waiting to be sure you’re actually a good match is the responsible thing to do. He shouldn’t be going back and forth like this, but you readily admit that you treated him poorly. It takes time to build trust back up after that. Give him some space, and keep up the therapy. It’s not easy, but I think if you both grow up and keep the lines of communication open, you’ll figure it out whether that is together or not.

Post # 4
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
fredthebasil :  If a bee came on here and said her boyfriend was mistreating her (and there are TONS of examples of this even active posts right now), everyone would tell her to run. Not wait around till he prove himself. This guy is at least giving her that much, I don’t think expecting to need some time is so wrong.

Post # 5
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You shouldn’t have to act a particular way to get a treat (ring). He can’t say he thinking of it then say you don’t deserve it. Is he like this about other matters?

Post # 7
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee

I disagree with PP – not in the respect that you should have to act a certain way in order to have him propose etc ect, but just that it’s better to get engaged and go through the process of all the planning when you are both in good places, on your own and with each other. Planning a wedding is stressful and can bring out the worst in people. 

I too suffer from anxiety, and would also prefer a longer stretch of settled well being before getting engaged. 

I also disagree that people should get married just becasue they have a baby together. You can be a happy family without immediate marriage, and if things aren’t working out, having a baby isn’t a good reason to tie yourselves togther with marriage. People can be perfectly good parents separately. 

OP – just because he might not want to propose on your birthday, it doesnt mean he doesn’t want to  propose at all. He can still buy a ring and keep it for another time. I don’t see this as flip flopping. 

 

Post # 9
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You said yourself you treated him badly. Of course he has reservations. You can’t expect that to disappear in a few months. While he shouldn’t be leading you on you also aren’t being realistic (from the information we have). Give him some time. 

Post # 11
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
waiitngbee86 :  Dude, he is actually telling you where you stand. Maybe he wants to get a ring and be ready for when that time comes. It is sounding more and more like you’re overthinking this or looking for problems (maybe because it’s not as soon as you want it to be?). I’d definitely bring this up with your therapist.

Post # 12
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
waiitngbee86 :  I feel so awful for my Fiance when I am having a bad bout. It’s rough on him, and it takes him a long time to feel back to normal too. There’s obviously many factors at play for you two than we can understand, being internet strangers, but this but I do get. 

Post # 14
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s about having to act a certain way in order to get engaged – it sounds like he just wants to make sure that you can both be in a good place and be healthy for a sustained period of time, which isn’t unreasonable. It sounds like he hopes and plans on proposing, and might be looking for a ring, and also wants to make sure you are both on the same page and in a good place. Those, to me, aren’t conflicting – it actually sounds great and responsible. It’s lovely that he recognized that you were going through a hard time, and wants to work with you. 

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