Post # 1
This is a really odd problem. When we got engaged Future Mother-In-Law insisted that her grandaughter was my Bridesmaid or Best Man and her grandson was our ring bearer. It’s a no kids wedding and grandaughter will be 5 and grandson will be 3 at the time of the wedding. Ok, close family, I get them being there plus I love them so am happy to make one exception. I did however find it rude that I was told they would take these roles, not asked.
Yesterday I met with Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law (the girl’s mother). They asked when I was getting her dress for her…bla bla bla when I said I was dressing her in an ivory dress with a co-ordinated coloured sash they went a little quiet. Turns out, grandaughter has never been sucessfully toilet trained. Not just that, she has some psychological issue whereby, for the last 12 months she has been sh**ting herself and p££ing herself every day. When they go out, when she’s at school, when she’s at home….she soils herself. Every day without fail. She’s been to numerous doctors etc and nothing is working.
I realise must be hard for her mum and grandmum and it is not necessarily a reason to take her out of her role as Bridesmaid or Best Man but i’m annoyed for 2 reasons. One, I suggested that we put her in a nappy for the ceremony. I’ll be looking after her for the hour or so before the ceremony…I don’t have experience in how to even change a nappy…I don’t know how to handle a little girl who’s upset at having just soiled herself…but they refuse to put her in a nappy in case it makes her feel silly. Secondly, why didn’t they tell me this was an issue when they put her forward as a Bridesmaid or Best Man….? I feel a little bit like i’ve been duped….I’m not looking for an out…I am looking for suggestions as to how to get around this problem….and for the mothers out there….would you consider it rude of me to insist on putting her in a nappy for a couple of hours?? You can be honest in your replies….I can take it.
Post # 3
For goodness sake its your wedding! You shouldn’t have to babysit anyone let alone a child that requires extra care. I love kids and sorry if this sounds harsh but your Future Mother-In-Law has put you in an unfair situation and that is a bit rude. I think you may need to put your foot down, however it may be too late to remove her as Bridesmaid or Best Man since you have already said you would. I feel for the girl, really, but the last thing you should worry about is whether or not your bm has shat all over her dress as you walk down the aisle :/ Nappy or nothing I say. If she can’t wear one for the duration of your wedding then she can sit in a pew with family that is ready to go change her quietly if needed.
Post # 4
How long ago did you let her make this decision for you? If it hasn’t been too long, I would tell her that in order for it to be fair to all people with small children there will be NO children allowed, not even family. You do not want to be concerned about a kid pooing herself and freaking out on such an important day.
If you don’t mind her being in your wedding, you should inform your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law of these basic rules
- You are not her babysitter (not even for the hour beforehand)
- She will be in a nappy, or not in the wedding at all
Post # 5
oh my goodness…. shes 5?
Set the wedding aside for a moment – this is a SERIOUS problem.
Does she have any developmental delays? If not – she needs to be seen a psychologist – stat.
And not keeping her in a diaper just seems like denial on the part of her parents. Thats so bad for so many reasons. And no, no one other than her parents or a familiar caregiver should be in the position of toileting a 5 year old girl.
I think you have every right to say you’re not comfortable with that – for many reasons, and not because its a wedding. Either she’s in a diaper, or she’s with her parents at all times. End of story.
Post # 6
Do you mean flower girl? I would definately insist that she wear some sort of pull up for the ceremony and that the mother or someone else be there to look after het. . Another option would be to have her dress the color of the sash and then have a white sash.
Post # 7
They have pullups that look like regular underwear that children can wear without anyone knowing what it is. Try and suggest something like this. It is not a diaper but acts like one.
I am sure they did not conceal this from you to try and ruin your day. I am sure they are thinking of the future and 20 years down the road how so and so were in their uncle’s wedding. I would consider it odd if they weren;t thought of to be in there, honestly.
Post # 8
I think that if she is standing up in your wedding, you need to designate a family member to take care of her since as the bride, you will be fully occupied. Especially since you said you don’t know how to handle a girl who is upset, I would make sure her mother is with her to help her out if she needs it. As for the nappy, I would bring up how do they plan on preventing an accident that apparently happens everyday?
@Mrsmenow: Bridesmaids in the UK are young family members
Post # 9
i agree with pp. it’s unfortunate that this child has this issue but i would certainly be firm with your FMIL/FSIL. i personally would even consider not having her as a bm (did you agree to this a long time ago). you should not have to babysit this child, nor should any other adult in your bridal party.
it’s obviously a medical condition and i feel badly but have you even considered what happens if she does have an accident during your ceremony? you say it happens every day so it’s going to happen. i’m sorry, but that’s going to stink…literally. please consider the comfort of your other guests. is this how everyone will remember your wedding? not the bride looked beautiful but the one where the little girl pooped her pants. it may sound a bit selfish, but why risk it? why ruin your special day.
Post # 10
@Pupperoni: Thanks for the info, I really didn’t know:)
Post # 11
@ieatunicorns: I had to google nappy to make sure it meant diaper!
Post # 12
Oh lord, it would be horrible to put that little girl in front of such a large crowd of people knowing she’s having these kind of problems. Do her mom and grandma not realize how much of an embarrassing position they are putting the little girl in??? What little girl would WANT to be in front of a crowd when she’s having these kind of problems. I think it’s very unfair and selfish of the mom and grandma to force this girl into that position, and for the rest of her life she’ll remember everyone looking at her as she soils herself. That would be traumatizing! It sounds like they don’t have her best interest at heart.
Post # 13
@MadameTussaud: This was my first thought as well. I think you should approach your Future Sister-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law with this angle, and say that you feel the child will be embarassed, and that you will feel embarassed as well. She is FIVE, and although she has problems that are causing this, this is something most people do not find acceptable. A newborn or 1-2 year old pooping their pants, sure. But five….it’s just going to be awkward all around.
Post # 14
I am the mother of 2 boys one which happens to be 5 I would not be offended at all if you asked himto wear a diaper. I would probably not let him stand if he is shitting himself as a mother.
Post # 15
Im sure no one is going to know she has a nappy on, unless you tell someone she has one on! Im sure its aweful for this poor little girl, so I’m not sure why they would put her in the spot light like that. But if they want her in your wedding party, they should make sure they are there to change her nappy and keep and eye on her. Its not fair to you.
My cousins daughter was four when she came for a visit at my appartment, and she kept wetting herself! She just had plain underwear on, so my couch and carpet got pee all over them. Her mom would just laugh it off and say shes trying to get her potty trained, but never once too her to the bathroom. I wasnt to impressed trying to get the pee smell out of the carpet…
Post # 16
Thank you for clarifying this 🙂
@primp: She suggested this last June so maybe she thought the problem would have resolved itself by now. However it hasn’t and they haven’t been explicit with me since. I’ve seen it happen when I’ve been staying with the however they never said it an everyday thing.
@MadameTussaud: I actually hadn’t thought about it from the angle of pressure on her. I don’t want to cut her out of the wedding….years down the line I’d love for her to see that she played a role in our day. However i don’t also want it to end up being remembered as the day she pooed herself at our wedding. She’d be mortified. I’m also concerned that when it’s just me, her and my 2 toher (adult) BM’s ready to walk down the aisle, that the stress of it all might cause her to have an accident….and then what?!
@pharmy: I’d love to have this conversation but I’m fairly sure they are going to take the approach they’ve taken so far….to play it down and make out all will be well.
I think the nappy (diaper!) talk will have to be had. I’m just worried about offending them. I genuinely think they don’t think it’s going to be a problem – however the ivory coloured dress seemed to worry them! The smell would worry me more! When i told my own mum and sister, they thought she shouldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if this is a potential problem so i don’t know …i just don’t know what ‘being reasonable ‘ about it means :/