Post # 1
My fiancé is joining the Army soon and while he is gone, I am to plan the wedding. It is no big deal and I enjoy planning it, we will be married in July 2011. However, I find some opposition from family, well my side to be more honest. They want me to hurry and marry him so I can receive benefits,they mean they want he and I to get married BEFORE he leaves to basic. I personally do not want to do that. Something does not seem right about rushing a wedding for benefits. I love him and we both want a traditional wedding but I cannot stand my family’s opposition. I am not some moocher as I have my own job but my family keeps harping on his benefits and it is making me angry. I seem to have little support from them for this wedding, not financially; my fiancé and I are taken care of that, but at least emotionally. Would it kill them to want to be part of this event? When I told them I was getting married, I didn’t get a”Congratulations” or anything of good luck but rather “Good, with him in the Army you can get his benefits” They talk more of that then of the wedding or our marriage! I love my fiancé and we both want a nice wedding, but how do I get that support from my family? Are we wrong for wanting a wedding?
Post # 3
Honestly if I were you, and your fiance was not opposed, I would do just a legal ceremony now because spouses have so many more rights. Not just benefits, but there are also resources for you at his base, family support groups, etc etc. Plus, wouldn’t the extra money be nice for wedding planning? you could still do a religious ceremony and reception when he gets back and i don’t think it would be any less special.
That being said (and bc that wasn’t actually your question), i think you just need to be very blunt with them. Tell them this year is going to be hard for you planning and having him gone and what you need from them is nothing but emotional support.
Post # 4
I think if you’ve thought it through and feel strongly, you should stick with your plan. But if you haven’t, maybe humor them by saying you’ll give it serious thought. Then look into what the benefits are.
But you are getting married in less than a year. If you feel like you are fine with your benefits and job, and would rather have the time to plan your wedding, I think that’s OK. But my husband was never in the army, so I don’t know what it’s like, or the benefits.
As for your family not being excited for you, I can see why your upset. It seems like they’re treating it like a business deal, rather than being happy for you that you are starting a new life. Maybe you can talk to them, let them know how they’re coming across. And again, if they know you considered the situation with benefits, seriously, maybe they’ll relax about it, and start enjoying the planning proces.
Post # 5
Maybe you can quietly go to Justice of the Peace just for a legal marriage – because like Corgi said – spouses definitely have more rights. Then you can still have a wedding like you want.
Post # 6
So I called my relative to tell her that I understood where they were coming from, and right now we are still thinking about it (humoring really) My relative then said she would give us a 100 bucks to have a small wedding in Vegas (not what I want at ALL. If we did have a rushed wedding it would not be there)I said I would just marry in the city here and it wouldn’t be a big deal. She said that it would be better for me, basically even if I did things her way, I wouldn’t even get to choose where my small ceremony would be. I was gritting my teeth at this point but keeping calm.
Then my relative said that I should get married before he goes to basic because that way my fiance (or husband by that point) would not get himself a girlfriend! I totally understood about having a small wedding for benefits sake, I understood that is what she wanted. However, to say I should get married so my fiance wouldn’t cheat on me during basic was the last straw. My fiance is seriously pissed and is considering inviting her to the wedding. Let’s be honest, if he was going to cheat on me a wedding ring wouldn’t stop him.
I am angry.
Post # 7
You and your fiance should keep your plans. Yeah, the benefits are great but you want a traditional wedding and that’s what you should have! As for basic, he probably won’t be interacting with many females and the military has a zero tolerance rule about having relations on base. And like you said, a person cheats regardless of being married or not. (not to say your fiance is going to cheat) Do what you and your fiance want and ignore the family that is pushy!
Post # 8
Wow yeah that pisses me off, too. Everybody told me to get married before DH got deployed but I DID NOT WANT TO. For the same reasons as you. I didn’t need to marry him for the benefits. Screw the benefits I said! I had my own well paying job and I felt marrying him for the benefits took away from the fact we wanted to get married when he got back.
Oh and I had a random lady doing my nails tell me all about how military guys cheat (some do) and I was stupid to marry him (ha!) but last I checked, getting married isn’t going to keep him from cheating. And uh, the LAST thing i was worried about was my husband cheating on me with other women in the military. It’s illegal.
Strangers encouraged us to get married (oh how silly I was, if he got killed overseas, I’d miss out on 2 million dollars and the benefits of being a military widow. bah) but our family understood we wanted to do it on OUR timeline.
Ummm army benefits are not that great =]. Their healthcare kinda blows, lol. Even when I was married and DID have his benefits, I opted out for my own healthcare!!!!!
Even before we were married I was allowed to visit on post (and i slept over, totally ok). yeah there is a difference between being just his girlfriend/fiance versus his wife, but nobody ever treated me second fiddle.
Tell them you’re not getting married “just to get married” and that you want to get married later and not rush it.
Post # 9
So, I took matters into my own hands and decided to just stick up for myself. I called my relatives and said Thanks but I was having a traditonal wedding. We CAN afford it and we are happy to do this with little fuss or interference from others. My relative tried to argue with me about it and I asked her point blank “What is it that is keeping you from getting used to this wedding?” She said “Well, I don’t think you can afford it and also I want to see that you are taken care of.” I said “I am taken care of, I haven’t need yours or anyone else’s help since I was a teenager.” I also added in that my cousin had a lavish wedding (on her parents’ dime) and I didn’t hear anyone chide her for prices. Why was I rushed into a courthouse wedding when she, no money to her name and a teenager, was accepted for her choice? That stopped her and she went on about the guest list which I reminded her that most of the people are from my maternal side and if she wanted me to cut the list it would be from HER side, people I had not seen for years. That stopped her!
The wedding, created by my fiance and myself is on!
Post # 10
Good for you! I think your family’s attitude is quite shocking, really. Your aunt’s in particular! What a lot of nerve to lean on you like that. The gall of some people is unreal.
Post # 11
I’m glad you stood up for yourself. Esp to you aunt. Good luck in all your wedding planning. I’m sure it will be beautiful.
Post # 12
Yeah I have to echo the previous replies; Good for you!!! I think you will really not regret being true to your (you and FI’s) dream of a traditional wedding. In the end, you need to be true to yourselves!