(Closed) Not sure where to put this

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Honestly if I were you, and your fiance was not opposed, I would do just a legal ceremony now because spouses have so many more rights. Not just benefits, but there are also resources for you at his base, family support groups, etc etc. Plus, wouldn’t the extra money be nice for wedding planning? you could still do a religious ceremony and reception when he gets back and i don’t think it would be any less special. 

That being said (and bc that wasn’t actually your question), i think you just need to be very blunt with them. Tell them this year is going to be hard for you planning and having him gone and what you need from them is nothing but emotional support. 

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I think if you’ve thought it through and feel strongly, you should stick with your plan.  But if you haven’t, maybe humor them by saying you’ll give it serious thought.  Then look into what the benefits are. 

But you are getting married in less than a year.  If you feel like you are fine with your benefits and job, and would rather have the time to plan your wedding, I think that’s OK.  But my husband was never in the army, so I don’t know what it’s like, or the benefits.

As for your family not being excited for you, I can see why your upset.  It seems like they’re treating it like a business deal, rather than being happy for you that you are starting a new life.  Maybe you can talk to them, let them know how they’re coming across.  And again, if they know you considered the situation with benefits, seriously, maybe they’ll relax about it, and start enjoying the planning proces.

Post # 5
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Maybe you can quietly go to Justice of the Peace just for a legal marriage – because like Corgi said – spouses definitely have more rights. Then you can still have a wedding like you want.

Post # 7
2867 posts
Sugar bee

You and your fiance should keep your plans.  Yeah, the benefits are great but you want a traditional wedding and that’s what you should have!  As for basic, he probably won’t be interacting with many females and the military has a zero tolerance rule about having relations on base.  And like you said, a person cheats regardless of being married or not.  (not to say your fiance is going to cheat)  Do what you and your fiance want and ignore the family that is pushy!

Post # 8
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow yeah that pisses me off, too. Everybody told me to get married before DH got deployed but I DID NOT WANT TO. For the same reasons as you. I didn’t need to marry him for the benefits. Screw the benefits I said! I had my own well paying job and I felt marrying him for the benefits took away from the fact we wanted to get married when he got back.

Oh and I had a random lady doing my nails tell me all about how military guys cheat (some do) and I was stupid to marry him (ha!) but last I checked, getting married isn’t going to keep him from cheating. And uh, the LAST thing i was worried about was my husband cheating on me with other women in the military. It’s illegal.

Strangers encouraged us to get married (oh how silly I was, if he got killed overseas, I’d miss out on 2 million dollars and the benefits of being a military widow. bah) but our family understood we wanted to do it on OUR timeline.

Ummm army benefits are not that great =]. Their healthcare kinda blows, lol. Even when I was married and DID have his benefits, I opted out for my own healthcare!!!!!

Even before we were married I was allowed to visit on post (and i slept over, totally ok). yeah there is a difference between being just his girlfriend/fiance versus his wife, but nobody ever treated me second fiddle.

Tell them you’re not getting married “just to get married” and that you want to get married later and not rush it.

Post # 10
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Good for you! I think your family’s attitude is quite shocking, really. Your aunt’s in particular! What a lot of nerve to lean on you like that. The gall of some people is unreal.

Post # 11
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m glad you stood up for yourself. Esp to you aunt. Good luck in all your wedding planning. I’m sure it will be beautiful.

Post # 12
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yeah I have to echo the previous replies; Good for you!!!  I think you will really not regret being true to your (you and FI’s) dream of a traditional wedding.  In the end, you need to be true to yourselves!

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