Post # 1
I’m not sure where to even start this post, the reason I’m writing this though is I’m not sure how to handle my mother…..
I just recently got engaged on christmas morning to my boyfriend of six years, he is the kindest most caring man I’ve ever met and supports me in whatever I want to do for a wedding. When we first started dating my mother didn’t like him and told me that ( mind you she loved a previous bf I had who had cheated on me with 7 different women!) she had no reason for this dislike. I do think it may have been the fact that he wasn’t super chatty or anything when I first introduced them, which I think the fiancé was a little unsure of how to handle meeting my mother. As he knows all my history of problems with her.
My mother and I are not on the best of terms …..let me just share a few Of the issues i have with her. My mother a married a man when I was 6 that was not only emotionally abusive but physically as well, she is still married to this man and expects me to call him Dad. Which I do not, that man is not my father. She knows the reasons why I do not like him and she decided to stay married to him anyway, that’s fine it’s her life…..but it is not mine! Also growing up my mother got into this super conservative church that was very anti women in every way! She believes that women are only meant to be at home and not go on to college or any of that stuff…. When I turned 17 I applied to college and went anyway. After which I got repeated calls from her telling me I was a heathen for going and that I would go to hell. This may seem a crazy to most people, but this is just what I grew up with and I very much had a mind of my own and did my own thing anyway.
Anyway those are just a few of the reasons we have a straind relationship. My problem lies in how to let my mom know I do not want her current husband at my wedding. She is not a supportive mother in fact she is probably the opposite, she hasn’t mentioned anything about our engagement …other than a passing congrats they day we told everyone. And it’s been 6 weeks. even with all the issues I have with her I wouldn’t mind if she was at the wedding, but I most definitely do not want her husband there!! How do I say that?! I know that if and when I do it will cause a whole big issue!! On how I’m. Not being fair to him and all, that he is changed. Well I don’t care if he is, he was still abusive to me growing up and its my day and don’t want negativity to be around on that day. I know very well she may say well if he doesn’t go I’m not going, Which I guess im fine with too. So should I just not invite either of them and say we are only have a little something out of state and leave it at that….or should I only invite her and deal with all the comments about how it’s unfair to her and him???
Post # 3
@Ablondesdiylife: You have valid reasons for not wanting him there. However you will come across many a Bee who will tell you that etiquette wise married couple’s can’t be separated during weddings.
If you don’t want him there, tell your mother so. Let her know she is welcomed to come on her own, but be prepared for this to future destory your relationship with her. If she is that ultra-conservative, she will choose her husband over you.
Post # 4
@LuvMySailor: “If you don’t want him there, tell your mother so. Let her know she is welcomed to come on her own, but be prepared for this to future destory your relationship with her. If she is that ultra-conservative, she will choose her husband over you.“
I’m not sure why you would even want your mother there, she doesn’t sound supportive of you, or your relationship.
Post # 5
elope! dont tell them dont invite them
Post # 6
@LuvMySailor: I can’t believe a Bee would support etiquette of inviting married couples when one half of that couple was physically and emotionally abusive to the bride…
If you think you would like your mother there, tell her she is welcome to attend but her husband is not. Let her know you understand she may choose not to attend without her husband, but that he is not welcome.
Post # 7
@pixiecat: Oh I know but I’ve seen it. You’ve got some etiquette police up here. I for one say tell the jerk to stay home. I would not want him there either.
Post # 8
@LuvMySailor: I have a feeling she will choose me over him! That’s why I’m so hesitant to even bring this up in conversation! But I know at some point it will have to be done!
Post # 9
@Mischka: Your right, part of me doesn’t want her there, which is one of the reason we are planning an out of state wedding. Honestly I’m hoping she’ll think it’s too far away and won’t come!
Post # 10
@Ablondesdiylife: I’m so sorry you had to go through all that as a youngster.
Your mum does not deserve to see you wed. If she did not protect you and support you when you needed her the most, she and her douchey husband can stay home burying farts in the couch and miss out on the love. SCREW the etiquette police. 🙂
you sound as though you have achieved wonderful things despite them and their terrible parenting, good for you!!
Post # 11
What a distressing situation and upbringing. You can read/talk as much as you want about etiquette, however when it comes down to it, it is your wedding.
Weddings are seen as new beginnings, a celebration of life and love and a fresh start for a new family. I would advise you to only have those at the wedding who you wish to bring forward in your new life together as a married couple.
Perhaps having a very small, intimate ceremony with your closest loved ones, and then a bbq or something weeks later where you can invite everyone who wishes to congratulate you two.
Best of luck in working through this tough situation.
Post # 12
@Ablondesdiylife: Tough situation.
I would just tell her the truth. If she doesn’t like it, then well she can stay home too.
I personally would not want that man at my wedding either. What a jerk!! And your mother doesn’t sound like she is very supportive of you either.