Post # 1
I need some advice: I have been with my SO for 2 1/2 years but we’ve known each other for about 30 years thru a family member. About a year after we started dating, he asked me to move in. He also said he’d never thought about getting married again until he met me. He’s been married once, twice for me. He even told his daughter, who I’ve also been friends with for 9 years, that we talked about it. He talked about going to Vegas, since we both wanted something simple. We agreed to give it a 6 month wait, because my youngest wasn’t 18 yet & I had to sell my house. Christmas time came, and he asked what I wanted for a present. I sent him a pic of a promise ring. He didn’t say alot, but of course we were texting & I hate to judge from that. After I moved in, he randomly says one night ” I hope you’re not expecting that ring for Christmas” and I had to play it off as no big deal, but inside I was dying. He then says, that he’s done that before & they’ve never kept their promise to him. I was so shocked; I transformed my whole life, and even sold my home and moved into his rental home. I felt horrible! Now it’s been over a year & the subject gets avoided. Then, a friend of ours got stood up at the altar, and was selling the ring. It was my dream ring, and I asked if we could get it because it was a steal. He agreed, but I ended up buying it with a few bucks pitched in from him. He said quite a few times he knew I loved it and he wanted to help. And that’s about as far as that went. When we met, we both said we’d never get married again….but then he brings it up & I was so surprised because that part of me that didn’t want that commitment again, really did. Now I feel like it’s going nowhere! We have a great relationship, and some say I should just go with it. But I feel that it’s unfair to say it & talk about plans, then just shut it off. I feel like I did something wrong, and I know I shouldn’t. Anyways, sorry for the book; let me know your thoughts please!
Post # 2
If marriage is a deal breaker and he is now changing his tune on the subject it is time for you to leave. it sucks that he got you to sell your home and everything after only a year of dating and is now acting skittish about the topic of marriage. Also that’s really shitty of him to put his past relationship woes on you as if a promise ring is some mystical item that ruins good things. It’s a fucking piece of jewelry.
Post # 3
I feel like he is gas lighting you. Like hes saying one thing but making you feel crazy for it when you bring it up.
I have been there for the buying of my own ring. If you have to do that, then it is you that is buying the ring. Not him. Take this as a clear signal.
From what youve said it seems that youre the one who has given up a lot to be with him. How much has he?
I def believe that youre allowed to change your feelings on marriage, but if he is bringing it up in a positive way, then telling you things that are opposite to this when you bring it up, believe that he is only telling you what he wants you to hear.
I think you know that there are some red flags here. What do you want to do?
Post # 4
yeah, the relationship I was in before him would be enough for anyone to NEVER want to get married again, yet I opened up to him & trusted again. And he knew what i went thru. That’s the hardest part of all if this. Thank you for your advice, it’s much appreciated!
Post # 5
you live and learn. You sold your home and changed your life without any real commitment. Personally I would move out and move on because he’s gaslighting you now, NOT the sign of a great guy. . You already know what you should do, you just need to be brave and do it…
Post # 6
in his defense, my last relationship was horrible, and he has been wonderful in dealing with my recovery issues from that. He has really helped me thru that. But I agree with what you’re saying. I will definitely take your words to heart. Thank you!
Post # 7
Thank you….. I’ve started over before, so I guess I will just have to do it again!
Post # 8
Take my advice with a grain of salt, but this is my .02. You cant undo the fact that you sold your house, so now you have to decide if you can live with the flip flopping or if you cant.
We on the other side of the computer dont know if things changed because you live together and his reasons changed, i.e. problems or issues he has concerns about that put the brakes on for him.
You need a sit down conversation: Something along the lines of, “I initially was very happy not to have a marriage, but you have brought it up numerous times and living with you changed my view and Im interested in marriage. Now there seems to be no rush and each time I try to talk about it you shut down the talk. I have decided (if you have) that I want to get married. I need your thoughts on this.
If he previcates, then you have your answer. If he gives an answer, along the lines of, “Yes I want to marry you but just not yet,” you have two choices, lay down a time line that makes that happen or walk when the expiration date comes along. Dont look back, dont second guess.
The third option is you decide you are perfectly content living without benefit of marriage and thats the end of it, but if you arent going to be 100% happy with that then see above options.
Piece of advice: Never ever rearrange your life and make a move without a firm committment.
Post # 9
I can honestly say that nothing has changed since I moved in. We get along perfectly, with the exception of marriage talk. That’s why I wondered if I was overreacting. He tells me almost daily how happy he is, how much he loves me, and that he’s with me for the long term. He is truly the greatest man I’ve ever met. Just wish I knew what changed that part. Thank you for your advice!
Post # 10
Playing your feelings off as no big deal when, in fact, they are a huge deal is not just piss poor communication; it is being inauthentic. It also speaks to how uncomfortable you are opening up to the person to whom you want to entrust your future.
Can you be your authentic self in this relationship or not? Can you ask and negotiate for what you want and need in a mature, open and authentic manner?
It certainly doesn’t sound that way.
He told you from the jump that he would never get married again. Now, he tosses out marriage comments. Has he truly changed his stance or is he picture painting to shut you up?
Either way, there is a lack of authenticity on his part as well.
This relationship sounds unhealthy for both of you, Bee. I hope you two can learn to communicate in more honest ways.
Post # 11
He may be a great guy but he’s not the right one if he doesn’t want marriage and you do. To be fair, you guys both said you would never get remarried and then somewhere along the way, you changed your mind. It sounds like he was a bit unclear/misleading when he brought it up and it doesn’t sound like you clarified where he stands on the topic.
You say everything is great except the marriage talk, as if it’s just a little annoyance. Wanting/not wanting marriage is a DEALBREAKER for a lot of people, and it sounds like it is for you as well. That is a huge fundamental incompatiblity.
I’m sorry he wasn’t clear with you about it, but you can have one more in depth conversation about it where you find out where you truly stand. And if he doesn’t want marriage, you can either stay and accept that he won’t marry you or leave and find someone who will.
Post # 12
tmpartlow : He also said he’d never thought about getting married again until he met me
I figure he was saying this stuff because he was pretty sure at the time you didn’t want marriage. I hate when people play mind games like this. This sounds like bait and switch to me.
Okay bee what is it that you actually want? Have you truly changed your mind and now want marriage? Either way, stop allowing this limbo to continue and have the conversation you know you need to have. Find out for once and for all where he exactly stands so that you can make a decision on whether or not you can live without marriage.
Not making any comment regarding how you uprooted your life….pretty sure you got the lesson.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
The only way you are going to ever know “what changed his mind” is ask him. Stop trying to figure it out on your own, you will only drive yourself crazy. You never truly know what someone else is thinking unless you ask them. You may not like the answer but it will be just that. And than you can take it from there. I wish you luck and hopefully you can get some answer’s.
Post # 14
I bought my own ring before…it’s not the one on my hand right now. I’m sorry. What a head trip. He should have spoken up when you sent him that picture of the ring. You changed an awful lot for him and he owed you the truth of where his mind was at. I’d decide where you’re at, put your cards on the table, and be prepared to walk if he doesn’t give you the answers you need.
Post # 15
I find it hard to believe when you say ‘we have a great relationship’ because a great relationship comes with great communication pathways. When you first got together you both swore never to get married again. He “mentioned” “IT” doesn’t mean anything unless you sit down and talk about it seriously. Mentioning something in passing doesn’t mean anything. So then you changed your mind. But you did not communicate your expectation to him. You sent a picture of a ring instead. That’s passive aggressive. He then jokes “I hope you’re not expecting that ring for Christmas” also passive aggressive. You guys just sound like you’re wishy washy and avoid serious conversations about the future. What do you really want? What will you do to get what you want? When you figure that out, tell him.