(Closed) Not sure whether or not I should tell my BF a big secret..Please help!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you need to be honest. You cannot base a relationship on lies. If he loves you, I actually think he will understand. sure might be a little mad. But you cant beat urself up over it. Just have to do it aye. Its not going to get any better!

Post # 4
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow…well first, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with so much stress that it’s affecting your ability to concentrate and do well in school.  I think tho, that carrying on this lie is just going to lead to a more dismal downward spiral of covering up the truth and ultimately hurting those around you.  Personally, if my Fiance told me the truth from the start, that he had a rough time and wouldn’t be graduating on time I wouldn’t think less of him, we all struggle at times.  But if he tried to hide it from me for years and concocted all sorts of stories to cover it up then I would never be able to trust him again.  Sorry, not what you want to hear I’m sure, but the truth is when, and if, you come clean (and if he and your family doesn’t find out any other way than you telling them) it probably won’t be pretty, but the consequences will be your’s to bear.  The best thing to do is to come clean – it will suck having to own up to your lies, but it would be that much worse if they found out by other means.  Good luck

Post # 5
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.  But I think you already know what we’re going to say here.  You have to come clean.  Sit him down privately and tell him “I’ve been struggling with school more than I’ve let on.  I had to drop a few classes and fell behind.  I wasn’t able to finish in March, and now it looks like I won’t be finished until next March.”  It will be hard.  Really really hard.  But I bet your Boyfriend or Best Friend will be supportive, and you know why?  Because he isn’t dating you because of your scholastic achievements!  He’s dating you because he likes your personality, the two of you have fun together, and because he thinks you are a good person.  None of that has to do with when you graduate.

Regarding not telling him you are depressed, don’t think about it as having been lying to him.  Think of it as something you haven’t told him yet, but are going to tell him now.  I mean, you don’t tell every person walking down the street that you are depressed right? But you aren’t lying to those people. It takes time to build a relationship where you gather the sort of trust needed to tell something like that to another person.  But now you have reached that point with your Boyfriend or Best Friend.  There is no need to feel guilty about the past.  But you do need to tell him now.  The only thing worse than struggling with depression is struggling with depression alone.  I highly doubt he will break up with you because of this.  He would have to be the biggest jerk in the world to do that, and since you’re dating him, you probably know he isn’t that kind of person.  Instead what will happen is you will gain a partner who can help you through this. 

Think about it, if you can see yourself marrying this guy eventually, then you must know that he loves you and is committed to you.  There’s a reason why the marriage vows say “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…” because we all have dark times in our lives, but these relationships are meant to stay strong and supportive through those times.  Just imagine the relief from guilt you will feel once you tell him.  Once it’s all out in the open you will have one less thing to worry about and can focus on getting back on track with school- and this time with someone to support you at your side!

Good luck, and please also keep talking to your councilor about this. I know you feel ashamed, but hiding it, especially from someone like a therapist, but also from those people who care about you, is only going to make your problem worse.  And I guarantee you will feel such relief and happiness when it’s all finally out in the open and you can focus all your energy on finding solutions rather than keeping up the facade.

Post # 6
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with the others. The worst thing to do in a relationship is lie and hide things from one another. If he truly loves and cares for you, he will forgive you.

Post # 7
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Tell everyone that matters. You said it yourself, the guilt and worry of it all is causing you to do bad in school. You will continue to do bad until you get it off your chest. We all know that when we lie, it snowballs. The problem will only get bigger if you continue to keep it hidden. Your boyfriend (your future husband?) will be loving and supportive. That’s what he has been, that’s what he is there for. He’ll understand. Maybe he won’t understand why you kept it a secret, but he’ll understand that you are having a hard time. Nobody thinks you are a loser or a failure. I was where you are and I dropped out for a while. When you succeed, it feels great, so please succeed.

It is great that you are seeing someone about this. I hope you feel encouraged to tell your boyfriend, parents, whoever. You’ll get through it! Hive hugs!

Post # 8
520 posts
Busy bee

I agree with the other posters.  You need to be honest.  A friend of mine went thru something very similar.  She met a man and told him she had a four year degree from a fairly prestigeous school.  In reality, she holds a two year degree from a community college.  It was so hard for her to tell him, but it didn’t matter to him.  It was kind of like, oh that’s all, because she really led up to it with crying, etc.  Just be honest, it will be hard, but you have to really.  The lies will just compound.  The sooner you do it the better you will feel.  As a side note, my friend with the two year degree and her man  just got married in March.  He holds two masters degrees and their educational differences do not matter.  Best of luck and sending gentle hugs your way.  Maggie

Post # 9
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Yes you need to come honest. And we’re not just saying that cause its the right thing to do, but I honestly think you cannot live the lie forever, its just gonna spiral downwards.

Explain to him you’ve been having some problems and you’ve been ashamed to come clean. I’m sure he’ll understand, but only if you come clean now. There’s merit in honesty, confess before its too late and he loses his trust in you completely.

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