Post # 1
I have placed myself in an awful situation and the stress/ guilt of it is killing me. Basically this is my story, In my junior and senior years of college I started to struggle with school and some other issues from my past surfaced (depression, anxiety) that made it even harder to concentrate in school. Most everybody that I was close with at the time knew of my struggles my Junior year and knew that I was behind in school, and I told everyone that I would be graduating in March of 2010 (my real graduation date had I finished in 4 years was june 2009), which would have been the case but…I continued to struggle into my senior year and I did not tell anyone (ive always been a very private person and it is especially hard for me to tell people when I am struggling). So I was secretly dropping many classes that whole year and dealing with depression..this meant that I was graduating even later, august 2010 instead of march 2010. I did not have the courage to tell my parents, I was so scared to have them disappointed in me and I was embarrased/ashamed to tell my friends about my problems. So I hid it the best I could…I worried about what would happen when my “graduation date” of march 2010 rolled around and i still was not graduated but i figured that was a long time away and I would figure something out.
So fast forward to the night of July 24th 2009, my friend had dragged me out to a bar with her to meet up with some people. I met a guy that night and we ended up hitting it off and he asked me on date. I did not really think any thing of it at first and thought it would just be a casual date that would not turn into anything. So of course during our conversation I just told him that I was graduating school in March 2010. Well that date ended up turning into an amazing relationship..with someone that I am so so in love with, that makes me happy, that I cannot imagine my life without. We have talked about how we feel like we are soulmates and that we both see marrying the other person in the future. So I was basically on cloud nine with my relationship but at the same time so incredibly stressed from the burden of the lie I was carrying knowing that i was not graduating in march. To make matters worse the stress/ guilt/ depression/ regret got to me (I was/still am seeing a therapist and he doesnt know about that either) and yet again I started doing poorly in school and having to drop classes or risk failing. So not only did I not graduate in march 2010 (everyone including my bf thinks I graduated then and that I am currently doing an additional certificate program that ends august 2010 ) I am also not going to graduate in august 2010. If all goes well and I do not drop any more classes my new graduation date is March 2011.
When we first met and I was starting to fall in love with him I did not want to tell him because I was so deeply ashamed, about my struggles in school and i thought he would think I was a loser, failure, etc. I also was scared to tell him why I struggled, my depression and anxiety, because i thought it would scare him off. Howeverm as more time goes on it is getting harder and harder for me to keep this lie, especially from my bf..we have been together almost a year now and I have been lying to him the whole time about school. I am hoping I can get myself together and finally finish school by March 2011 and that then I can move on with my life and put this all behind me and I *maybe* could get by with telling another lie or somehow hiding the fact that I was still in school so he would never have any idea. But I know it will be hard to do and the burden will be mentally hard as well. I am seriously to the point where I just want to tell him everything but at the same time I am terrified of doing that because I have absolutely no idea how he would reacte. I am scared of the thought he will break it off and want nothing to do with me. I would be so unbelievably devasted if this happened. Also if I told him then I would also have to tell my family and friends and I feel like my whole world would just fall apart.
I think I might just be postponing the inevitable and that I am being selfish because I do not want him to break up with me now. The thought of losing him is so scary to me. I just do not know what to do. Any advice would be apprectiated. Thank you.
Post # 3
I think you need to be honest. You cannot base a relationship on lies. If he loves you, I actually think he will understand. sure might be a little mad. But you cant beat urself up over it. Just have to do it aye. Its not going to get any better!
Post # 4
Wow…well first, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with so much stress that it’s affecting your ability to concentrate and do well in school. I think tho, that carrying on this lie is just going to lead to a more dismal downward spiral of covering up the truth and ultimately hurting those around you. Personally, if my Fiance told me the truth from the start, that he had a rough time and wouldn’t be graduating on time I wouldn’t think less of him, we all struggle at times. But if he tried to hide it from me for years and concocted all sorts of stories to cover it up then I would never be able to trust him again. Sorry, not what you want to hear I’m sure, but the truth is when, and if, you come clean (and if he and your family doesn’t find out any other way than you telling them) it probably won’t be pretty, but the consequences will be your’s to bear. The best thing to do is to come clean – it will suck having to own up to your lies, but it would be that much worse if they found out by other means. Good luck
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But I think you already know what we’re going to say here. You have to come clean. Sit him down privately and tell him “I’ve been struggling with school more than I’ve let on. I had to drop a few classes and fell behind. I wasn’t able to finish in March, and now it looks like I won’t be finished until next March.” It will be hard. Really really hard. But I bet your Boyfriend or Best Friend will be supportive, and you know why? Because he isn’t dating you because of your scholastic achievements! He’s dating you because he likes your personality, the two of you have fun together, and because he thinks you are a good person. None of that has to do with when you graduate.
Regarding not telling him you are depressed, don’t think about it as having been lying to him. Think of it as something you haven’t told him yet, but are going to tell him now. I mean, you don’t tell every person walking down the street that you are depressed right? But you aren’t lying to those people. It takes time to build a relationship where you gather the sort of trust needed to tell something like that to another person. But now you have reached that point with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. There is no need to feel guilty about the past. But you do need to tell him now. The only thing worse than struggling with depression is struggling with depression alone. I highly doubt he will break up with you because of this. He would have to be the biggest jerk in the world to do that, and since you’re dating him, you probably know he isn’t that kind of person. Instead what will happen is you will gain a partner who can help you through this.
Think about it, if you can see yourself marrying this guy eventually, then you must know that he loves you and is committed to you. There’s a reason why the marriage vows say “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…” because we all have dark times in our lives, but these relationships are meant to stay strong and supportive through those times. Just imagine the relief from guilt you will feel once you tell him. Once it’s all out in the open you will have one less thing to worry about and can focus on getting back on track with school- and this time with someone to support you at your side!
Good luck, and please also keep talking to your councilor about this. I know you feel ashamed, but hiding it, especially from someone like a therapist, but also from those people who care about you, is only going to make your problem worse. And I guarantee you will feel such relief and happiness when it’s all finally out in the open and you can focus all your energy on finding solutions rather than keeping up the facade.
Post # 6
I agree with the others. The worst thing to do in a relationship is lie and hide things from one another. If he truly loves and cares for you, he will forgive you.
Post # 7
Tell everyone that matters. You said it yourself, the guilt and worry of it all is causing you to do bad in school. You will continue to do bad until you get it off your chest. We all know that when we lie, it snowballs. The problem will only get bigger if you continue to keep it hidden. Your boyfriend (your future husband?) will be loving and supportive. That’s what he has been, that’s what he is there for. He’ll understand. Maybe he won’t understand why you kept it a secret, but he’ll understand that you are having a hard time. Nobody thinks you are a loser or a failure. I was where you are and I dropped out for a while. When you succeed, it feels great, so please succeed.
It is great that you are seeing someone about this. I hope you feel encouraged to tell your boyfriend, parents, whoever. You’ll get through it! Hive hugs!
Post # 8
I agree with the other posters. You need to be honest. A friend of mine went thru something very similar. She met a man and told him she had a four year degree from a fairly prestigeous school. In reality, she holds a two year degree from a community college. It was so hard for her to tell him, but it didn’t matter to him. It was kind of like, oh that’s all, because she really led up to it with crying, etc. Just be honest, it will be hard, but you have to really. The lies will just compound. The sooner you do it the better you will feel. As a side note, my friend with the two year degree and her man just got married in March. He holds two masters degrees and their educational differences do not matter. Best of luck and sending gentle hugs your way. Maggie
Post # 9
Yes you need to come honest. And we’re not just saying that cause its the right thing to do, but I honestly think you cannot live the lie forever, its just gonna spiral downwards.
Explain to him you’ve been having some problems and you’ve been ashamed to come clean. I’m sure he’ll understand, but only if you come clean now. There’s merit in honesty, confess before its too late and he loses his trust in you completely.