(Closed) Not taking your partner’s name?

posted 9 years ago in United Kingdom
Post # 3
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

I keep being astonished by how many people assume that I’ll be changing my name when I get married. I am also astonished by how many women DO change their names. I really don’t get it. It’s 2009, surely the possessive naming part of getting married can and should be left by the wayside! (The act of giving a name to something is an act of power.) You are not a crazy american, just a woman who already has a name. Tell all the busybodies that you are not a piece of chattel and your fi doesn’t want to be your master. That should shut them up. πŸ™‚  

My fi wants to become double barreled (he loves the particular ring that our last names have when strung together mylastname-hislastname). I’m pondering adding his last name as a second middle name but leaving my last name as it is. That way he’ll be firstname myname hisname, and I’d be firstname hisname myname. We’re still thinking about it. What I absolutely won’t do is change my last name to his last name as though I am some quasi-human who only becomes fully realized when married off.

<shudders>

 

Ok that was a bit of a rant. Sorry. But I just can’t bear it! 

Post # 4
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace

I don’t think you’re crazy at all. Of course, I’m an American. I think it’s really cool and you should come back with something snarky when people gasp πŸ˜‰

We’re still working on our name issue and we might be doing some a-typical, too! Stay strong! 

Post # 5
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It’s an odd one. i’ve actually been quite surprised at how many of my friends have changed their name to their husband’s name.

But I’ve also been at a wedding when the registrar introduced the couple as Mr and Mrs hislastname at the end – cringeworthy, plus the bride’s face a picture as that so isn’t what she’s going to be.

I actually dread that happening at our wedding – and we won’t be able to have a rehearsal with the registrar as that’s not really done here to point out that I don’t want that to happen.

I plan to keep my own name – it’s done me well for 35 years, and professionally and personally it’s important for me.

funnily enough, some of our friends refer to us with our last names double barrelled at the moment, and they probably will after we’re married too, but I don’t plan to double barrel – too long to write!

my SIL double barrelled (she’s from the US herself), and she went from 4 syllables to 6, and I thought that was quite a lot.

I think when it comes down to it, perhaps you are doing something new, that is outside of your friends’ comfort zone. perhaps some of them actually wish they had kept their own name or done what you are hoping to do instead of being so traditional?

have courage to do what you want to do, and will feel best with – good luck!

Post # 6
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

In my experience, Europe/UK, tends to be a little more traditional etc…Nonetheless, I am taking my fiances name…but I will miss my awesome difficult to spell french last name…Our names would sound ridiculous hyphenated together (trust me), and I want to have the same last name as our children…

Post # 7
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am taking my fiance’s name, but if I wasn’t and someone asked me why, I’d tell them to MYOB. Seriously, what difference does it make what you do? Don’t feel bad for being untraditional!

Post # 8
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i can see both sides of this coin! i am a little offended that by taking my FI’s last name people would see me as a “quasi-human”… i am actually excited to take his name and i don’t believe that it makes him my “master” or anything like that, and neither does he! it’s even possible that i will miss my name, it’s a pretty great name, fortunately i’m lucky and my new name will be pretty great too πŸ™‚

i don’t think it’s wrong to not take the man’s name at all, but i do think it’s completely a personal choice!!! definitely don’t feel like you’re crazy for wanting to keep your name, sometimes people are just too old-fashioned for their own good πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

its not crazy but i wouldnt want my hubby to change his name to mine so maybe thats where people are coming from.  the british & the aussies (which im one) are very similar so im guessing some might see this as a bit emasculating to your Fiance.  eitherway, its your life & people will get over it and if they dont – who cares πŸ™‚

edit: btw, ive kept my surname & even my mother thought that was strange

Post # 10
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

In my opinion I think it takes a lot of strength of character to keep your maiden name. I’m taking C’s name because I do want to… but another reason I’m taking his name is because it’s expected of me, from both sides of the family. After discussing it with him, I think he’d be hurt if I didn’t and I know his family might be hurt too. That being said…I’m kind of sad to be losing my last name. I mean…it was mine for my whole life and I never really thought about my name vs my identity. But, I know it’s a very personal choice. I do really admire all you ladies who keep your own name–or better yet, get your man to change his!

Post # 11
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

Love love LOVE this! I love hearing when an independent woman decides to carry through that independence into her marriage and keep her name. The one she was born with (potentially) and is a part of and that belongs to her. We as women should never have to give up anything that belongs to us for marriage for “traditions” sake. Unless you want to, of course. Wait til my bf hears from me that I’m keeping my name (and I HATE my last name, it’s awful…). He’ll have a fit along with his traditional family, but then I’ll remind him that I’m marrying him for HIM and not for his name. The former is a given, but the latter is only an old school formality.

Miss Chicken- Just curious, why do you need to change your name in order for you to share your kids last name? Why couldn’t your children take your last name?

On a side note, I never understood the phenomenon of the children taking the fathers last name in the situation where the mother and father aren’t married. 95% of the time the MOTHER is the caregiver and sole provider for the kids, so why do the children not take the mothers name? It doesn’t make sense. I provided the womb for their arrival so you better believe they’d take my name. Is there an actual advantage to this? Say, monetary? Just curious, because I notice it often.

Post # 12
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I have a lot of angst about changing my name (which I am going to do, for the record), but despite all my mixed feelings about it and my disappointed inner feminist, I also found the quasi-human statement to be a little offensive. I assume that baffled111 is just talking about her own experience with this decision. πŸ™‚

Post # 13
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

I’m taking my FI’s name. My last name, in all honesty, doesn’t mean that much to me. It was my biological father’s, who I wasn’t very close to anyway, and he died 7 years ago. My SF was MUCH more of a father to me, and while I never took his last name growing up, I am very excited to take my FI’s. I love that we’re merging our lives, and besides… my name sounds so cute with his last name!

Post # 14
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Everywhere is different…  I say go for it & tell everyone else to deal with it! I think it shows what a kind man you have– its a great way to honour your equal partnership!

I’m not sure if its a law or just common practice, but in Quebec, NO ONE changes their last name when they get married. The women all keep their birth name. Their children take their father’s last name.

@baffled111: you shocked me with your comment. I celebrate women who make their own traditions– you look down & judge women who don’t do as you do. That’s really unfair.

Post # 15
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ms. D’Orsay, don’t worry about all the naysayers!  But keep in mind that people who refuse to respect your choice will probably call you by Mr. D’s name regardless of what your name actually is…I’m in this predicament myself, in that I don’t plan to change my name but in my FI’s native country, women don’t actually have a choice in the matter.  By signing the marriage certificate, their name automatically changes unless they’ve gotten special permission to double-barrel.  So FI’s family can’t even grasp the concept that I’m not going to be a Hislastname, and I’m really not going to fight that too hard.  We’re not there that often, and it probably won’t kill me to be called by his last name occasionally.  But I’m NOT changing my name unless he also changes his.  I don’t find name-changing the least bit romantic, and I’ve never understood the idea of people having to share a name to be a “family.”  None of it makes any sense to me, and I’m not going to do something that I don’t agree with.  Don’t let anyone try to convince you to do that, either!

Post # 16
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

We took each other’s last names as second middle names.  We did get some looks and comments of disgust– mostly from my more traditional side of the family.  I’m letting it roll of like water off a duck’s back πŸ™‚

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