(Closed) Not telling your husband certain things…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I tell my Fiance everything, probably even things I shouldn’t! lol.

Post # 4
Member
10572 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

Some things are not my things to tell.  I don’t think that’s what you’re really talking about though.

Post # 5
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’ll bite.

I keep a lot of my stress to myself because Darling Husband doesn’t handle it well. His job is really high-stress/performance-focused so the best thing I can do to support him is be the calm one. When things are more relaxed with his job it’s easier for me to let it all out to him, but when things ramp up on his side I look elsewhere for support. I guess you could say I spend a lot of time telling him that everything is smooth sailing for me when that’s not always the case.

Is that what you’re looking for?

Post # 6
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well really I think there are some things that are better off left unsaid, because nothing good comes from telling those things, but there’s plenty of potential for bad to come of them. Each relationship is different, so really everyone needs to understand their partner’s values, morals, and insecurities, and ask themselves honestly “what can be gained by telling this story” before sharing certain details.  And what I choose to keep from my partner might be completely different to what you choose to keep to yourself.

I’m not saying out-and-out lie but there are some truths that are only going to cause pain and hurt. For example, I travel fairly regularly for work.  DH also travels, just not as often.  We trust each other deeply.  But if I’m on a flight or in a hotel bar and the guy seated next to me wants to flirt with me, I don’t feel the need to pass that tidbit along (unless the guy is so over-the-top that it’s funny, in which case I share it because it’s funny) and I don’t feel the need for Darling Husband to tell me about every woman who flirts with him.  I know he’s loyal to me, he knows I’m loyal to him, and we both know that neither of us can control what a random stranger chooses to do. But if I tell him about some random guy in a hotel bar flirting with me, then he might start worrying about me when I travel, or might start feeling insecure.  It’s a non-issue if I don’t bring it up, but it could (over time) turn into a very big issue if I do bring it up.

Post # 7
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t keep anything from my SO. Even things I would normally not tell anyone, he knows. I agree with you – the kind of relationship that happens between a husband/wife (or those who intend to become husband/wife) is one that requires complete openness and honesty.

Sometimes I can be afraid to tell him things and he’ll sense it – but when I finally open up, he always tells me never to be afraid to tell him stuff. I’m slowly learning not to be and instead am just honest right off the bat.

Post # 8
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsCarnival: Similarly, I do not always tell my Fiance every last little thing that is going on in my life. Frankly, it’s not necessary and oftentimes creates more stress for both of us. He has an extremely stressful job, works long hours, isn’t in the best health and has a terrible commute right now.

I never keep important things from him or anything that is deeply affecting me on either side of the spectrum. But giving him laundry lists about every last little thing just creates noise. I prefer we spend our time together tuning out the noise and enjoying each others’ company.

I am also careful about when I bring things up. For example, if something happens during the day about which I need to speak to him, it can wait until the evening. I would rather he not be overwhelmed with more stuff while he’s at work.

I have a great support system outside of my Fiance. I think it’s very healthy to avoid relying on one’s partner entirely for support.

Post # 9
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

The big stuff of course we talk about but my husband tends to look at relationships/friendships very black and white. There are times when I don’t tell him a shitty thing someone said to me or how I feel (in the moment) that a friend might have wronged me because he gets very protective and angry on my behalf. Then, as a result, he ends up holding a grudge against that person for hurting me/flaking out/whatever it may be, whereas I am more forgiving and move past it. If I told my husband every little nitpicky thing that pissed me off about someone, he would hate everyone I know!

Post # 10
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@solidarity:  I agree with you on all counts. We aren’t the couple to re-hash every single little (or medium-sized) thing because sometimes it just produces more stress than the actual problem itself. I think it’s really healthy to have an external support system. Telling Darling Husband about all the things that are bothering me would get to him because he would always be worried.

Post # 11
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t tell my Fiance stuff like how much I paid to have my hair highlighted or how much my shoes cost. I don’t think men need to really know those things. I tell him everything else though, every dirty little secret.

Post # 12
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I tell my husband “everything,” but some things are not my place to tell, or some things are better left unsaid because he isn’t my dumping ground. Like right now I work in a high drama place and a lot goes on in a day. I do tell him things that go on, but at some point he’s not my dumping ground and me reliving all of the stress and him having to hear it all is just harmful at a point, and not helpful. And that includes some big things that happen to me (like the day I ended up crying hysterically). I knew I didn’t have it in me to rehash the whole story, so I just forwarded him some emails that explained it, and left it at that. With that being said, I don’t have “secrets” from my husband, which is what I assume the OP is talking about. The biggest secret I had from my husband was that my mom was slipping me $5,000 bills when we were playing Monopoly so that I wouldn’t go bankrupt when my husband had some crazy monopolies. He ended up winning anyway, but when I did tell him, he laughed about it and thought it was funny. Now he makes sure to side-eye me when we play so I can’t cheat. Aside from that, I can’t think of anything my husband doesn’t know.

By the way, there are also some things that are better left spoken to with a girlfriend than a husband. That is my personal experience. I know some women may disagree with that, but I do feel that sometimes certain things should be discussed with a girlfriend over a husband. 

Post # 13
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Birdee106:  I am with you! My husband is my best friend, I keep nothing from him, we have a great relationship because of it 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I tell my husband everything. To me, that’s the way to go. 

Post # 15
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t tell him EVERYTHING, cause I don’t think it really matters as long as it doesn’t affect us and as long as I’m not lying.

Post # 16
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I wonder if I wrote one of those posts you are talking about?  A couple months ago I wrote how I was nervous to bring up TTC with my husband.  It’s not that I didn’t WANT to talk to him about it, but he’s a bit of a late bloomer and I worried how he would react to my desire to move on to the next stage of life right now.

I actually talked to him about it last month and it took it rather well.  (And he was glad I’m giving him fair warning… not TTC until the end of the year.)  I think I was really just looking for some moral support here on the hive as to how to approach the subject.  I would never keep anything serious from him, unless as some people have pointed out, it’s not my information to tell.

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