(Closed) Not the maid of honor for my best friend of 21 years

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I don’t think you should bring it up, what are you hoping to gain?  She obviously feels that this friend is closer. I think it will likely just be an awkward conversation for the both of you, if you are going to go down that route I would definitely wait until after the wedding. 

Post # 3
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

Now, wait, wait. She doesn’t “obviously feel that this friend is closer”–unless you mean SPACIALLY closer. 

My sister is my Matron of Honor, and she lives in Oregon and I in Nevada. I’m just not the bride who’s wanting all these people to help me, wheeeee!!!!  I need to make special Facebook pages that everyone checks for their duties!! I’m doing everything myself. My bridal party are just people I love. Whatever. 

But OTHER brides are reaaaaaally different than I am, just for instance. They really want a bridal party–particularly an MOH–to be SUPER involved with daily tasks: making decorations and throwing showers and constant dress and accessory shopping and the like. 

And maybe, JUST MAYBE, OP–your friend wants you to be the Maid/Matron of Honor but you’re unable to do those things. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, she feels bad making Tiffany a bridesmaid and nevertheless asking HER to do those things…when she’s only just a bridesmaid. Right? Maybe she wants a person BY HER SIDE through the entirety of the planning process, and you just CAN’T be. And maybe she doesn’t want to say to Tiffany, “Heeeeeeeey, so… I really need you to do all of the duties of an Maid/Matron of Honor but NOT actually be one.” 

Possible? Likely? Probably? I’m betting so. 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
DeniseSecunda :  I mean, most people do pick their bridal party because they are the people closest to them, not the ones who can do the most unpaid labor but whatever make you sleep at night. 

Post # 5
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
abouttodoit17 :  Way to be an unsupportive ass. Can’t you have a legitimate conversation like an adult? Evidently not. Your FIRST response to OP was bitchy, unsupportive, unsympathetic. 

Post # 6
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

I think you should just leave it as is. She has chosen Tiffany to be her maid of honour for whatever reason and mentioning it won’t change anything. I understand why you are feeling hurt, I would be feeling the same if I was in your shoes, but I truly don’t see how bringing it up will be of any benefit. 

Post # 7
Member
3865 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

OP, I wouldn’t bring it up to her. To start with she is entitled to pick whoever she wants as her Maid/Matron of Honor and she does not have to answer to anyone, including you, regarding her choices.

Second, her picking someone else as Maid/Matron of Honor is not necessarily a reflection of how close she feels to you. One of my best friends didn’t pick me or her own sister as her Maid/Matron of Honor, but instead selected a friend who was local to her for that role. Neither I nor her sister (who she is incredibly close to)  were bothered by this. The roles of sister and friend were a lot more important than the role of Maid/Matron of Honor for a day.

It’s okay to be upset that you aren’t participating in the way you had hoped, but don’t let it make you question your entire friendship. 

Post # 8
Member
3233 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I understand you’re hurt by this. I’m sure she values your friendship a great deal. After 21 years of an amazing friendship I’m sure you’ve worked through bigger obstacles than this. 

Post # 9
Member
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
sungirl16 :  Since you always discussed  you’d be mohs to each other,  I’m surprised she didn’t give some explanation when she chose the other girl.

She evidently feels closer to this other friend or possibly it was a location/proximity decision. I suspect the former because if it were only a location thing, she probably would have volunteered that info when she gave you the news that she had chosen someone else…..

If you’re such good friends it should be ok to discuss  anything, most will disagree here but I would ask her.  Beware, her response may be painful to you…

Post # 10
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

On the one hand, there’s nothing you can really do. She’s made her choice and it seems like she feels closer to this friend. Adult friendships are sometimes like that because you have a larger pool of people to choose from instead of having to pick from the kids in your class. Maybe this friend has the same taste she does. 

That said, I don’t think anyone can blame you for being hurt. No matter how old you are feeling like a friend picked someone else over you is hurtful. This makes me feel a little better about the fact that I lost contact with all my childhood friends.

 

Post # 11
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

The absolute rudest thing you can do to stress a bride out is bring up why you are not this or that in her wedding party. It’s her choice and it’s none of your business as to why she made that choice. 

I had an ex-friend badger me on why she wasn’t in my wedding party and quite frankly it served nothing but to reinforce that I’d made the right decision and piss me right off. 

Post # 12
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
sungirl16 :  I was in a similar situation when my best friend got married 3.5 years. I also assumed I would be her moh but she didn’t even ask me to be in her wedding party. I was so hurt and I didn’t say anything – it caused a rift in our friendship. After the wedding I talked to her about it. She told me that she didn’t know if I could afford it and didn’t want to put pressure on me because my husband is in the Navy and we were living in California at the time while she was living and getting married in Florida  (where we are all from). I told her she should have still asked, it should have been my decision. (By the way to this day I have no idea why she thinks I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I was emoloyed full time when she got married so we were/are a dual income-no kids family…..). It still bothers me but there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

 

The point of this story is that you should speak to her now and hash it out while there’s still time. Otherwise you may find out when it’s too late that it was a reason that you could have assured her is not an issue.

Post # 13
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

Sorry you made the assumption that you would be Maid/Matron of Honor, but you’re just not. You may feel that you were the natural choice, but apparently the bride didn’t see it that way. I’m sure the bride has many friends and family that assumed someone else would have or should have been Maid/Matron of Honor as well. The choice of who Maid/Matron of Honor will be is entirely up to her, best just to respect her choice. I doubt this means that you are unimportant to her. I had a best man and I found out later on that there were many people upset that I didn’t have a proper Maid/Matron of Honor with a proper wedding party of bridesmaids. Some even flat out told me ‘what made me think I had the right to upset friends and family by excluding them?’ One of the realtives in husband’s family even went so far to tell me ‘if these people aren’t as important to you as they thought, that’s all one thing, but by keeping them out of the wedding party is making a public statement how little you think of them!’

I understand feeling hurt by this, but in the end it’s not the end of the world, and not really fair for you to hold it against the bride. If she didn’t promise you the spot then please don’t make her feel you were any more entitled to it than the woman she felt was the best choice.

 edit for question: are you upset that you aren’t in the bridal party at all, (that’s what I gathered from your comment) or that you aren’t the MOH? if it’s that you aren’t the Maid/Matron of Honor, then I wouldn’t say anything since she’s made her choice for the honored position. I know some are suggesting you speak to the bride, usually I would agree on some things. But I got when I was planning my wedding I had relatives come to me to try to get me to make changes just like the one you are mentioning. I’m sure everyone thought they were being very reasonable, and it was ok they spoke to me. What was not ok was that they would get upset that I so selfish to not honor this ‘one very reasonable request’. You just need to decide if it’s going to upset you if you don’t get the response you are hoping for.

Post # 14
Member
976 posts
Busy bee

Just because you have known her longer, doesn’t mean you are her closest friend. I have a bunch of friends I’ve known since preschool but I wouldn’t call any of them my best friends. You said you have been stationed away…maybe they got a lot closer in your abscence. It happens. No used crying over something that has already happened. Just be happy for her.

Post # 15
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

My ex best friend (friends since age 12)  and I always talked about being each other’s maid of honor but after she broke off our friendship I understood that I wasn’t as important to her as I thought I was. Relationships change and yes it sucks and yes it hurts like hell to be on the blunt end but better to know where you stand than to go on thinking you are incredibly close to someone that simply doesn’t feel the same way. People can be cruel and the hardest lesson in life to learn is that no one cares about anyone more than themselves, humans are selfish. So try not to take this personally and go out and find new friends that are also wanting the same. I wouldn’t attend the wedding if you are still hurt because it will only make it harder on you to deal with. I would skip it and do something for yourself to cheer yourself up! 

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