(Closed) Not Understood

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I understand you on being a very low budget bride with a lot of small town resources.. The internet is great for lots of ideas but its very crushing when you figure out its too expensive or just not actually worth doing something even tho it looks so great across the computer screen.. I’ve had to stay away from the computer and really just deal with what I knew I had at hand to keep myself sane.. There’s no point in comparing the wedding I’m having to the wedding anyone else is having because it fits my circumstances and no one elses… Sometimes it is a lonely place but I think in the end you just have to go back to thinking that its not so much about the one day but about the marriage in general. As far as the religious parts of the ceremony I think that if your religion is important to you and something your marriage will be based on you need to go ahead and incorporate it in all the ways you want to regardless of your guests and their views.. Afterall its your day and since religion is something you feel strongly about it isn’t right to let it go- you wouldn’t think about doing so if you were Catholic and no one would expect you too so it isn’t fair to leave out things just because you’re a different religion

Post # 4
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like you are going through so much right now. Wedding planning can be so difficult. Have you checked out offbeatbride.com? I am a member of that online community as well as weddingbee and I have found it to really inspire my “non-traditional” needs. Do you have any gowns from SCA that could be converted into a wedding gown? Even if you had a fitting corset, that may be enough for a dress maker to make a simple overlay in Renaissance style.

Incorperating pagan ritual into a wedding can be challenging when your guests do not understand.  But there are ways.  I went to a wedding last summer when they had painted banners for each element and placed them in the four corners of the field in which they were married.  I feel that it is very important to find an officiant who can draw from your spiritual beliefs and help you form the ceramony around them.  My officiant in a spiritual humanist, and he has done a wonderful job of helping my FI and I put together a ceramony that includes our secular humanist beliefs with the christian beliefs of our families. 

The budget.  Oh, how I have struggled with my budget.  It seems to me the best way to deal with this is make a list of what is MOST important for you and your Fiance for your wedding, and plan around the top 3 or 4.  Keeping the guest list small is one of the best ways to keep the budget small, and may help with your anxiety about your spiritual needs being accepted by your guests. 

You are sooo not alone.  I am a plus size Secular Humanist with some Pagan qualities.  On a tight budget.  It will come together 🙂 

Post # 5
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

1) Low budget/Small Town: we see those ALL the time here! And there are lots of brides who scrimp things together on the internet due to where they are located. It just takes some savvy research. People will always have more money than you, you just have to make it work with what you got. Even the people with 50K wedding budgets can be on the “low end” depending on who they associate with. And trust me, people with big money weddings have a whole slew of other issues to deal with (strings attached and whatnot) so, really, everyone has their own issues.

2) Stress: you definitely need to start doing somethign about that. Its so unhealthy to live a stressful life–you’ll kill yourself doing it. Is there anything you enjoy that calms you down? Maybe a yoga class or learning some quick calm-down methods? A mantra or something to repeat to yourself when you feel yourself spiraling out of control? Maybe visit with a therapist and they can give you some tips on taking control.

3) Plus Size/G-cup: What stores are you going in? I was always under the impression that Davids Bridal happily carried lots of plus sized dresses. You could even have one custom made. It’s embarassing for ANYBODY to have a dress nowhere near their size try to be put on them. It’s completely unrealistic. Think about what looks good on you on a regular basis (sweetheart, v-neck, halter, cap sleeve, etc) and maybe you can just order something online and have a seamstress add to it or make it more unique so that it truly is what you want in the end. Let’s face it–you’re not going to find a whole lot of options in “traditional” bridal stores” so you have to think outside the box! On a side note, your weight is causing more stress on your body than you think–you may want to consider meetimg with a nutritionist or taking baby steps towards a healthier you. It’ll relieve some stress on your body and you may find that you’d be more comfortable in your own skin. Look online for stuff that’ll fit you like bras and stuff. You’re not the only G-cup woman in the world!

4) PS i think historical stuff is awesome. I’m a self proclaimed civil war nerd. I have encyclopedias, I’ve watched reenactments, I’ve visited places that battles took place. Everyone has something they’re interested in. Even if it would not go over with your family–screw ’em! You gotta do what YOU wanna do and stop worrying about how everyone else will feel about your wedding. And I don’t know anyone who doesn’t love those old elizabethan style dresses! They’re so awesome!

5) Pagan: It’s your religion, it’s what you believe, and if nobody else does, oh well. That’s life. You have to be secure enough in your own beliefs to just believe and act on them. If you hide your religion from everyone, you’re hiding a piece of yourself. I don’t know squat about Paganism, but I’m sure there are some elements you can weave into your wedding. Handfasting I’ve heard of–people have definitely done that before and you can always include an exerpt in your programs to explain to guests what it is. you can leave off a super heavy religious explanation. I think most people will, in general, just appreciate the concept of handfasting yourselves to each other.

Post # 6
2640 posts
Sugar bee

How are you perceiving your guests to react to a pagan wedding?  Might you be making more out of it than is realistic?  If you feel like they would be upset, would you look into maybe having your SCA ceremony with your SCA friends, then having a sepreate reception (that night or later on with the rest of your guests?)  Would your family at least go to whatever ceremony you planned.

Post # 7
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with EJS on David’s Bridal.  They carry a really wide range of sizes and there’s one in Albuquerque!  Even if you don’t buy from there, you could try on dresses and see what styles suit you.

As for bras, look online!  I can’t search a lot of bra-related stuff at work, but a quick search showed me that even Macy’s carries up to a 44G in several styles starting at $20.  Lane Bryant carries sizes up to H.  Do a quick search of these boards and there are TONS of posts on lingerie/bras for well-endowed ladies.

I also agree with EJS that your weight could be putting a lot of stress on your body and life.  Exercise makes you feel good, and it’s free!  I know it sounds dorky, but you live in a warm climate, so you could walk/run/etc. outdoors without paying for a gym membership :o)

Post # 8
1565 posts
Bumble bee

It’s hard to be different. It’s hard when you’re in middle school, it’s hard at the workplace, and it’s defintely hard as a bride. I am in a completely different situation from you, but I’m also not a traditional bride and often can’t relate to the wedding books and websites that I read.

Budget is an issue for most brides. I think, as some prior posters have suggested, it’s better to focus on a few elements that are most important to you and make them as nice as you can afford, rather than spending a little on everything. You have to be realistic about what you can afford. I personally think it’s better to skip something than to buy tacky or low-quality goods.

Shopping online might be a good solution both for budget issues and not having wedding stores in your area. I live in NYC, which is not exactly middle of nowhere, but offers mostly expensive boutiques that I can’t afford. I am also at work for 90% of my waking hours. So everything is done online and it’s worked well so far. For my dress I did go in person and picked something out at DB. They do have a lot of options for plus sizes there.

As far as family not being comfortable with a SCA wedding or a Pagan ceremony, you can’t blame them. Ideally, our families and friends would be completely accepting of whatever we decided to do on our wedding day. But it’s hard for them to let go of the notions of what a wedding should be that they grew up with. My parents freak out at every little tradition I consider eliminating (we’re talking champagne toast, a traditional veil, and other small things.)

Why don’t you do a separate pagan ceremony as originally planned? I think if it means a lot to you, this would be a great way to be able to incorporate all the religious elements that are important to you. If it’s an issue of money, you could just keep it very small and simple.

Finally, I think that society presents brides with this image of wedding planning as a cheerful, magical time when you get to be princess for a year, putting together the wedding of your dreams while family and friends support your every decision. If you take a look through the boards here, you’ll see that most brides, traditional or not, go through a lot of challenges. For me, the engagement has been more of an opportunity to bring together two families and learn to compromise with Fiance and our parents. It’s an opportunity to negotiate, to organize, to balance 7 tasks at once. I’ve always seen it as a challenge rather than a walk in the park. So you’re not alone. And with some creative thinking and planning, I’m sure you can resolve all of the issues that are stressing you out.

Post # 9
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I love that people are also mentioning exercise for stress management. As I said before, I am a plus size woman (18/20), but I work out on a regular basis and really enjoy the psycological effects I get from it. It helps me to know that my body is stong and healthy, despite my extra weight, and really reduces my stress and tension. You don’t have to think about it as weight loss if you are not comfortable with that, just a 20 minute walk a few days a week will make a difference in your mental health.

Post # 10
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I googled and found that there is a David’s in Albuquerque, so that’s definitely one option. They’ll certainly have dresses you can try on and really, though people knock the quality, hello it’s a dress you wear for one day. So the silk isn’t as silky as high end dresses. Who cares? Not me. The only reason I didn’t get a dress from David’s Bridal is I happened to find something else that cost the same that I liked better elsewhere. That’s it.

I think it would be awesome, however, to wear an Elizabethan dress as a nod to your passion. I would love to go to an Elizabethan-themed wedding, but I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea (my Future Mother-In-Law would flip but y’know, I think my Future Father-In-Law would get a kick out of it actually…^_^) so it’s probably best to pick your battles. Wearing something that is so YOU is admirable and awesome. If you can’t drop the money on a whole new outfit, maybe there’s a gown you already own that you can modify to make it even more special? Added glitz, upgrade the lace, etc.

I really hope you can work it so you have your private Pagan handfasting. If you were Catholic or Muslim or Hindi, there would be no question that you should have your religious ceremony, so I see no reason why you shouldn’t have it as a Pagan. I don’t know much about the practices–do you practice with a circle or is it primarily an individual observance of rites and beliefs? If you can’t get a full, separate ceremony to happen, can you use a JOP or self-ordained or non-denominational person who will work with you to incorporate the blessings and calling of the elements? Or maybe joint officiants, to cover the Pagan and Catholic aspects equally?

I know it’s discouraging. It can be so incredibly overwhelming to have the things you feel are important devlaued by others, even if unintentionally. Keep your chin up, PM me if you want, and hold onto the wonderful things that make you unique!

AND, don’t let conventional wisdom get you down. For example, there is absolutely no shame in ditch-diving and picking wildflowers and grasses for bouquets or using a home inkjet printer to print invites on heavy paper you buy at OfficeMax and then putting them in plain white envelopes and sending with an American flag stamp. None! I have photoshop at home. Let me know if you need anything. ^_^


Post # 11
683 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you’re gonig through all this! I love all the support and advice everyone else is giving you- it seems helpful. I hope you know you have a circle of friends here and you’re not alone! Is it possible for you to do a Pagan ceremony before your ‘vanilla’ ceremony? It seem like you don’t feel comfortable incorporating it with all of your guests- but maybe you can do something more intimate beforehand with a group of people who are into it?

Don’t stress about your budget! Just cut, cut cut!

I think you should go and have your corset dress made- if thats what you like, you should rock it!

I’m sorry you’re overwhelmed, and it can be really intimidating, but it’s YOUR day- if you stop trying to please everyone, I think you’ll stop stressing so much. *Hugs*

Post # 12
865 posts
Busy bee

These ladies have some wonderful advice! hope some of mine might help!

 Like most of them have said, the internet is a great place to find pretty much anything! oncewed.com has a lot of DIY projects that you can look into and some great indie inspiration! i know ill never get an expensive wedding myself so instead of looking to make it fancy, look into making it your OWN.  making a wedding thats you and youre comfortable with help you forget about how small your budget was.

as for being plus size, these ladies are right. davids bridal is definitely a place to look into.  im even looking into it myself even though im not plus sized because its affordable and close to my area.

You can always switch up the theme of your cememony and reception(paegan, sca, indie, traditional) and invite guests to both accordingly.

as for stress have you considered getting a massage or even reiki done? my mom swears by both! even just lighting incense and candles with a glass of wine and your favorite music playing is relaxing for me! i do agree that being healthy helps too, I’m not saying loose 100 lbs because I’m sure youre beautiful just the way you are but maybe just build some feel-good happy habits! For me I go for walks 1, 2, even 3 times a day around the neighborhood and sometimes I even venture out into the mountains. I’m also vegetarian for about the past 3 years now and it makes me feel great! finally, drinking more water, getting enough sleep, and taking vitamins does wonders! if youre looking for a good work-out video may i suggest the “10 minute solution fast blasting dance mix” its actually really fun! if youre into reading “you can heal your life” by louise hays is a very inspirational book. if youre into writing or journaling a book called “spiritual journaling” by julie tallard johnson is great too! if youre stress is really that bad then therapy is great, ive been going for years now. 



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