Post # 1
Quick backstory, when bf and I met, we were both unhappily married to two other people. Instant connection almost 11 years ago now, became a way-too-close friendship that turned into so much more after 2 divorces, moving in together and 3 years dating (tomorrow is our 3rd anniversary.) We talked all the time about when and how and both agreed on about 2 or 3 years into being together we’d get engaged, even though I always said, if it never happened, I’d be ok just having the RIGHT ONE now and into our future.
A few weeks back, as a result of talking about a beautiful wedding band, bf dropped on me that a proposal and getting married wasn’t “happening anytime soon.” Heartbroken? Yes! Feeling led on? Sure was! I took myself off the waiting list, delted my ring and second wedding pinterest boards and sulked around our house for 2 days. It took me that long to get over the hurt and ask what changed. He told me that nothing had changed. It just want the right time and that he thought I was feeling the same. I wasn’t. I thought we were gearing up to do the damn thing any time now.
But once I really listened to him, all the reasons he gave were valid and . . . right. I don’t think we HAVE to wait, but we can and I am ok with that. The most important realization I had was that I had gotten so caught up in I wanting it, I forgot I was ok not having it. I let the dreams get bigger than the reality.. The expectation was bleeding me dry. And I started rushing it and resenting him because it wasn’t coming fast enough . . . because I got caught up in the waiting. I was so busy looking ahead– I wasn’t enjoying now. I have no idea how I did this head game on myself.
He wants to finish the house (I kinda figured that), wait until his oldest graduates (June) and about 3 other longer-story things that make it just not the right time. And I can’t argue with any of it. I see it too. Getting married right now wouldn’t HURT anything, but will it get us anywhere we arent already? No. Would the time be better later? Yeah, probably.
We ended on yes, it is in the plan. In fact, it IS the plan, but let’s knock down all the other dominoes first. The WAITING was killing me because of all my own things, not his. I am looking forward to a time we have tackled all our goals and are ready. I realize, having been married before, I am not in the rush I was in the first time. But for some reason, I was pushing just as hard. I just wanted to post this in case anyone else finds themselves in the same hole I dug myself into. Feel free to LMK what you think, otherwise just sharing in case I turn on a lightbulb for anyone else.
Post # 2
I’m sorry but if you’re on a wedding site and were on the waiting list etc, it sounds more like you’re trying to convince yourself that you agree with him rather than you truly, deep down being okay with it.
I’m not sure how much of that 11 years was together, given that you were both with married at the beginning and went through divorces etc, but this adds a level of messiness to it and perhaps some deep seated trust issues. Clearly you’re not that young if his oldest is already graduating, so his throwing up several major roadblocks sounds more like excuses than sensible reasons. IMO there’s a huge diff btw a 22 year old guy not being ready for a few years or more and a 40ish guy not being ready for a few years or more when you’ve already been together for years.
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but he sounds complacent with things the way they are and not wanting to change it up. Which is okay if you’re honestly content with this- but I don’t get the impression you’re as okay with it as you claim to be with ‘The Plan’. To be blunt he sounds like a salesman who’s convinced you to buy what he tells you you want, not what you truly wanted.
Post # 3
Can I ask how the time will be better later? Or why his oldest needs to graduate first?
You said it wouldn’t hurt anything to do it now so I guess I was confused.
But if you’re happy and okay with things that’s all that matters!!
Post # 4
People who feel confident and content in their major life decisions don’t feel the need to explain it to complete strangers on a public forum. When your intuition tells you you’re on the right track, you just go ahead and live your life.
His excuses make no sense.
Post # 5
I don’t have much to add except to say to trust your intuiton and to ask yourself what it is you really want. You only have one life to live. I let my bf talk me out of the idea of marriage. I remember when we first started dating and he would say things like, “I feel bad for my girls stepmom when it comes about, beccause their teen years will be hard.” So, I got the impression that he wanted to eventually get married some day. Turns out, he doesn’t. And, I am a pro-marriage person so when I brought it up to him after we had moved in together, he balked and basically said, “How about when we’re 60?” Well, that’s in 13 years!
I have shoved down my desire for marriage all this time in an effort to keep the peace and have allowed him to become complacent. Now, if you read my threads, you’ll find out that there are other problems I’m dealing with and I actually don’t want to marry this guy anyway. But, a year ago, I wouldn’t have said that and I probably would have been willing to become engaged to him.
My point is: listen to YOU. What is it that you truly want? If you are actually Ok with what he wants, then fine. But, if your heart’s desire is saying something else, make sure you consider it as you move forward. Resentments take no time at all to build and they will spill over into every other facet of your life.
Post # 6
Don’t be ashamed; we all let out imaginations run away from us dim m from time to time.
I’m pleased you gave a FH who can put your feet back down on the ground. I never really understood the concept of ‘waiting’. People get engaged when they’re both ready to agree to marry. I think that the only thing that slows it down sometimes is saving for the ring/wedding and not wanting the pressure of announcing it.
Just enjoy your life with your lovely partner, that’s all there is to it, married or not.
Post # 8
I too don’t really understand why you need to wait because of reasons such as his son needs to graduate first, but if you feel like he has explained it all and you understand then that is up to you. I would be feeling very hurt if I was in your shoes. Big hugs.
Post # 8
You sound like you are trying to convince yourself more than us.
What does his daughter graduating have to do with getting married? That’s the worst excuse I’ve heard on the bee.
Post # 9
I wrote out a very thoughtful response before but weddingbee deleted it? Or perhaps I just can’t see it? Anywho I will try and repeat myself the best as I can in summary.
I agree with PPs who feel you are just trying to trick yourself into waiting. I sense that you posted this because you wanted confirmation that’s it’s okay and validation that you actually feel okay about – I don’t believe you truly feel okay with this.
Also, I think it’s cruel of your SO to do this 180 on you. Whilst you said to him you were okay if it never happened he still told you that within 2-3 years you would be engaged. I think it’s pretty shitty for him to tell you it won’t happen anytime soon, especially considering his reasons aren’t even valid reasons for putting it off (who puts it off because of their eldest graduating or the house needing to redone, especially if you guys are older and have kids). It also doesn’t sound like your communication is so great since he just assumed you thought it wasn’t a great time either – especially since you were actually really counting on it!
For what it’s worth, I think you have every right to be not okay with this and I think you should let him know you are not and not just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace.
If you are truly okay with it well then I wish you the best of luck, but I don’t think you are.
Post # 10
We should have an entire thread dedicated to the topic of Worst Excuses.
Daughter has to graduate first–definitely a contender.
Post # 11
I understand what you’re trying to say, I think many of us are guilty of focussing more on the day sometimes and what the day represents. I think it’s why there are so many posts about some tiny things going wrong on the day and their “wedding is ruined”. When we get posts about “waiting for our lives to begin” like getting engaged suddenly gives you this rosy life. Well done for recognising some of that.
What I would say is that there’s always something on the horizon. There’s never going to be a time when there isn’t something to save for or something big coming. So at what point are you not going to let life get in the way of something of you want? Whilst you say you’ve built the day up you clearly still want to be married and now for more than just the day. Especially as being married wouldn’t harm your relationship in your opinion.
Post # 12
That thread would be hilarious!
Post # 13
Agree with pp that his reasons sound like bullshit. None of them make any sense to me. Wants to finish remodeling the house first? Why? Wants to wait another 9 months til his kid graduates? Why? What do any of these things have to do with proposing to you? These sound like normal life events, the types of things that will continue to occur throughout your lives together whether you’re living as SOs or as a married couple.
I also don’t understand the “lightbulb” that went off in your head. It definitely sounds like you decided to convince yourself you don’t actually care about being engaged after your SO made it clear that it’s not in the cards right now. Just proceed carefully bee. It’s your future too. Don’t settle for a situation that you’re not truly comfortable with; it will only breed resentment.
Post # 14
To kind of address everything at once, because I’m lazy:
A while back I posted about not being sure about his kids. The kids who I would rather schedule dental surgery than spend time with due to the fact that they hate ME now, when they used to love me, as long as I was dad’s friend, not his gf? Yeah them. Anyway- I typed oldest and meant youngest. The ex-wife (who planted the seed of hate in them) has recently — almost literally– walked out of parenting the youngest to chase a career dream. So to him, making sure at least all of dad’s attention is on her matters to him and to me.
But as far as everything else that you guys consider excuses– I don’t see it that way. He didn’t 180 on me. Whichever poster said poor communication was right. We were not communicating about timing anymore. He was assuming and I was running full speed. Once we had that talk 2 days later, we started communicating. And are the better for it. . . and yes, here I WAS on a wedding site gassing my own head up about doing this. I came across the bee by way of the No Kids board and liked it here and used it to fuel my own craze. Somehow, I let the promise of it carry me away from how I really feel: if it happens, great!
I posted not to convince anyone, myself or otherwise. I posted because I realize I was making my own self miserable. I am feeling better about my relationship– not worse, and that is a big thing when you were starting to feel disappointed all the time. I did say feel free to LMK what you all think and thanks for the thoughts!
Post # 15
Ignore the negativity of people here telling you “it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself”. Ignore that crap.
You sound like you’re in a REALLY good place right now, and this might be one of the most rational posts about waiting I’ve ever read! Good for You for actually listening to, and respecting your spouse. You will have a stronger relationship and marriage because of this 😊
Stay positive bee, I loved hearing your story ♡♡