(Closed) Not Waiting

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry but if you’re on a wedding site and were on the waiting list etc, it sounds more like you’re trying to convince yourself that you agree with him rather than you truly, deep down being okay with it.

I’m not sure how much of that 11 years was together, given that you were both with married at the beginning and went through divorces etc, but this adds a level of messiness to it and perhaps some deep seated trust issues. Clearly you’re not that young if his oldest is already graduating, so his throwing up several major roadblocks sounds more like excuses than sensible reasons. IMO there’s a huge diff btw a 22 year old guy not being ready for a few years or more and a 40ish guy not being ready for a few years or more when you’ve already been together for years. 

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but he sounds complacent with things the way they are and not wanting to change it up. Which is okay if you’re honestly content with this- but I don’t get the impression you’re as okay with it as you claim to be with ‘The Plan’. To be blunt he sounds like a salesman who’s convinced you to buy what he tells you you want, not what you truly wanted. 

Post # 3
Member
10314 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Can I ask how the time will be better later? Or why his oldest needs to graduate first? 

You said it wouldn’t hurt anything to do it now so I guess I was confused.

But if you’re happy and okay with things that’s all that matters!! 

Post # 4
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

This.  1000%.

People who feel confident and content in their major life decisions don’t feel the need to explain it to complete strangers on a public forum.  When your intuition tells you you’re on the right track, you just go ahead and live your life.

His excuses make no sense.

Post # 5
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t have much to add except to say to trust your intuiton and to ask yourself what it is you really want.  You only have one life to live.  I let my bf talk me out of the idea of marriage.  I remember when we first started dating and he would say things like, “I feel bad for my girls stepmom when it comes about, beccause their teen years will be hard.”  So, I got the impression that he wanted to eventually get married some day.  Turns out, he doesn’t.  And, I am a pro-marriage person so when I brought it up to him after we had moved in together, he balked and basically said, “How about when we’re 60?”  Well, that’s in 13 years!

I have shoved down my desire for marriage all this time in an effort to keep the peace and have allowed him to become complacent.  Now, if you read my threads, you’ll find out that there are other problems I’m dealing with and I actually don’t want to marry this guy anyway.  But, a year ago, I wouldn’t have said that and I probably would have been willing to become engaged to him.

My point is: listen to YOU.  What is it that you truly want?  If you are actually Ok with what he wants, then fine. But, if your heart’s desire is saying something else, make sure you consider it as you move forward.  Resentments take no time at all to build and they will spill over into every other facet of your life.  

Post # 6
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
sweetaslemons :  Don’t be ashamed; we all let out imaginations run away from us dim m from time to time.

I’m pleased you gave a FH who can put your feet back down on the ground. I never really understood the concept of ‘waiting’. People get engaged when they’re both ready to agree to marry. I think that the only thing that slows it down sometimes is saving for the ring/wedding and not wanting the pressure of announcing it.

Just enjoy your life with your lovely partner, that’s all there is to it, married or not.

Post # 8
Member
8283 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
sweetaslemons :  I too don’t really understand why you need to wait because of reasons such as his son needs to graduate first, but if you feel like he has explained it all and you understand then that is up to you. I would be feeling very hurt if I was in your shoes. Big hugs. 

Post # 8
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You sound like you are trying to convince yourself more than us. 

What does his daughter graduating have to do with getting married? That’s the worst excuse I’ve heard on the bee. 

Post # 9
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
sweetaslemons :  I wrote out a very thoughtful response before but weddingbee deleted it? Or perhaps I just can’t see it? Anywho I will try and repeat myself the best as I can in summary.

I agree with PPs who feel you are just trying to trick yourself into waiting. I sense that you posted this because you wanted confirmation that’s it’s okay and validation that you actually feel okay about – I don’t believe you truly feel okay with this.

Also, I think it’s cruel of your SO to do this 180 on you. Whilst you said to him you were okay if it never happened he still told you that within 2-3 years you would be engaged. I think it’s pretty shitty for him to tell you it won’t happen anytime soon, especially considering his reasons aren’t even valid reasons for putting it off (who puts it off because of their eldest graduating or the house needing to redone, especially if you guys are older and have kids). It also doesn’t sound like your communication is so great since he just assumed you thought it wasn’t a great time either – especially since you were actually really counting on it!

For what it’s worth, I think you have every right to be not okay with this and I think you should let him know you are not and not just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace.

If you are truly okay with it well then I wish you the best of luck, but I don’t think you are. 

Post # 10
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
abouttodoit17 :  

We should have an entire thread dedicated to the topic of Worst Excuses.

Daughter has to graduate first–definitely a contender.

Post # 11
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I understand what you’re trying to say, I think many of us are guilty of focussing more on the day sometimes and what the day represents. I think it’s why there are so many posts about some tiny things going wrong on the day and their “wedding is ruined”. When we get posts about “waiting for our lives to begin” like getting engaged suddenly gives you this rosy life. Well done for recognising some of that.

What I would say is that there’s always something on the horizon. There’s never going to be a time when there isn’t something to save for or something big coming. So at what point are you not going to let life get in the way of something of you want? Whilst you say you’ve built the day up you clearly still want to be married and now for more than just the day. Especially as being married wouldn’t harm your relationship in your opinion.

Post # 12
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
sassy411 :  That thread would be hilarious! 

Post # 13
Member
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Agree with pp that his reasons sound like bullshit. None of them make any sense to me. Wants to finish remodeling the house first? Why? Wants to wait another 9 months til his kid graduates? Why? What do any of these things have to do with proposing to you? These sound like normal life events, the types of things that will continue to occur throughout your lives together whether you’re living as SOs or as a married couple.

I also don’t understand the “lightbulb” that went off in your head. It definitely sounds like you decided to convince yourself you don’t actually care about being engaged after your SO made it clear that it’s not in the cards right now. Just proceed carefully bee. It’s your future too. Don’t settle for a situation that you’re not truly comfortable with; it will only breed resentment.

Post # 15
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

Ignore the negativity of people here telling you “it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself”. Ignore that crap.

You sound like you’re in a REALLY good place right now, and this might be one of the most rational posts about waiting I’ve ever read! Good for You for actually listening to, and respecting your spouse. You will have a stronger relationship and marriage because of this 😊

Stay positive bee, I loved hearing your story ♡♡

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