(Closed) Not wanting families to blend

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

As much as you want to, I don’t think you should try to control other people’s relationships.  After the wedding, your moms won’t have as much to talk about, but when/if there are grandchildren…they will have stuff to talk about.  Just let it happen…hopefully it will work out okay.

Post # 5
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Snapdragon2804:  I think I would let this go. They only communicate over email and you said they will have no reason to see each other except for at big events (like a birth). Right now your FI’s mom seems to like your mom. If you come in with all these stories about why she shouldn’t, that can easily reflect on your personality just as much as it could on your mom’s. When two people get married, the families are joined for better or worse and it is not your choice who his mother speaks to. She is capable of making her own decisions and judgement calls.

I can understand your point, and I am so sorry that you had a rough childhood. But hopefully the wedding will help everyone move on to a civil relationship and there is no need to isolate your mom after she has helped you pay for the wedding and is trying to be there for you. If you don’t want her included, you should give her the money back and do things on your own or with FI’s family. The one thing in life we can’t control is other people’s actions. It’s best not to try as it will just bring you stress that is completely avoidable.

Post # 6
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Snapdragon2804:  I wouldn’t try to separate them.  There really isn’t anything wrong with them emailing each other and if you really had wanted to distance yourself from your mom you probably shouldn’t have let her help with the wedding (planning or financially). 

Post # 7
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I get you. My mom and I are not close, and I’m very close with FI’s family (particularly his mom and step-mom; I have a lovely relationship with both of them).

Once we started wedding planning and my mom saw how close I was with his family, she’s been all up in my business, lol. Posting on FB how “I love you so much! Love, Momma Bear”. First of all, we don’t have pet names like Momma Bear. Second, she stopped telling me she loved me when I hit adolescence. So it all feels very forced and fake, like she suddenly realizes this is how mothers are supposed to act. And like your mom, she’s been emailing with FIs mom trying to set up outings and what not. It makes me really uncomfortable.

No real advice, other than know that people don’t really change. I have a feeling once the wedding is over your mom will revert back to her old ways. I would just tell your FI’s mom the truth about your dynamic with your mom. The best way to foster a new, loving relationship with the in-laws is to be honest with them.

Post # 9
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would let it go. They are grown women who can handle their own relationship. They will just end up talking again if/when grandkids are in the picture. If you try to mediate this situation and distance them now, this may go sour for you later. Just let your FI’s mom figure out if she wants to talk to your mom or not. If they don’t live near each other I can’t see this becoming a blossoming friendship.

Post # 11
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I know exactly how you feel.  I have been married before, I was with my ex H a total of 15 years.  And I vowed that his family and mine wouldn’t even meet, let alone be friendly.  My mother, like yours, is far too judgemental and dysfunctional…and I liked both my ex ILs.  I was lucky that my mother lives on the other side of the world, in a country that my ILs never had any interest in visiting (they travelled alot).

Some may say that I had no right to keep them apart, but my family had (has) already caused me too much stress and anxiety.  Like you, I wanted my relationship with my ex ILs not to be tainted by my family.

With my current FI, it is also highly unlikely that FILs will ever meet any of my family.  That suits me fine.

Post # 13
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Snapdragon2804:  I know how you feel.  I feel like it’s really weird for IL’s and parents to be bff’s and I don’t like it.  I’m glad that my MIL is aware that I find it weird, and other than our wedding they won’t be hanging out.  I just don’t know why those two families have to meld.  I like having them separate, and MIL has plenty of friends, she doesn’t need to make another one if it makes me uncomfortable.  Plus, like in your situatuon, I don’t believe they’d ever be friends outside of me and my husband being married.

My mom battles depression and gets very jealous.  She’s jealous over any time I spend with the IL’s, and she is jealous that they have more money and spend it on us sometimes etc.  I would spend the whole night worrying about what comment she found jealousy in, or if she thought I was talking more to his mom than her.  No thanks.

My IL’s on the other hand, spend a lot of time with DH’s brothers fiancee’s parents. They go on trips and go for weekends over there often.  I thnk it’s so strange, but apparently it doesn’t bother my BIL or his fiancee so to each their own right?

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