Post # 1
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
I know that a lot of people believe in the love–>marriage–>house–>children sequence to life, and I really like couples choosing whatever makes them happy and accomplishing their goals. However, this sequence just does not work for everyone or every couple.
I just read this article about how some moms REALLY feel about being mothers. I totally think that having a child is a life-changing decision that should not be taken lightly. Oh my goodness, I feel really badly for some of these kids. I mean, giving up your child must be the most heartbreaking thing that you would ever have to do, and no doubt emotionally damaging for both the child and parent.
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/
How do you feel about this? I get annoyed when anyone suggests that we would regret not having children. I think I know some people who may regret HAVING children. I’m not sure if I want them or not, but that is for my husband and myself to decide.
Post # 3
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
I have problems with people abandoning their older children, but I agree that not wanting kids is entirely normal and that there are probably a lot of people out there (probably more than will admit outwardly) that feel motherhood isn’t for them. I totally respect people’s decisions not to have children, to have abortions, give babies up for adoption, or utilize safe haven laws. I think the line is drawn once you decide to raise the child though. After months or years, you can’t just change your mind and decide parenthood isn’t for you. I think it’s one decision you have to stick with.
Post # 4
Member
3768 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I voted that I would give up my child if I had no other choice/support, and that the article both made me sad and enlightened me. I can’t believe that giving up a child under the age of 18 but older than, I don’t know, newborn! is a possibility for some people. A 17 year old!? I mean I can believe it but I think it’s absolutely ridiculous, and totally sad for the children being given up who are well aware that they are being abandoned (I’m thinking over the age of 2 you’d at least realize something was wrong).
-edited to add, I already knew that not wanting kids is entirely normal and do not plan to have kids LoL-
Post # 5
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
@Boston Bee: I agree! I know that many of these people had no idea they were going to feel that strongly against being parents, or maybe they did and thought that the feeling would pass, but once you’ve started caring for your child, that should be a life-long committment. It is really hard to say what type of support they had around them, but I found this to be so extreme. I mean, people drove across state lines to give up their children.
Post # 6
Member
3354 posts
Sugar bee
I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I know that if I was stuck with a child I didn’t want, I’d be very very depressed. I wouldn’t allow myself to possibly be in that situation though, because having a child is a commitment.
Post # 7
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
@elysion: Truly. That is so very sad! 17? Those children will have abandonment and other issues to work through. I too was saddened and enlightened.
Post # 8
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
@strawbs: I think the mothers felt trapped and severely depressed. I felt sad for them.
Post # 9
Member
3354 posts
Sugar bee
@PeeIBee: it’s a terrible way to live, really. I’m personally CBC, but I’m bombarded with “But children are such a joy!” and “It’s different when it’s your own”. Uh no. No. This article just proved it. It could totally go that way for me, and I would feel trapped. Trapped and helpless.
Post # 10
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
@strawbs: We used to get that all the time before I established boundaries with my family members. My body. Our life. Not your decision at all. No suggestions/opinions are welcome. Times have changed. Thanks. This is too much of a life-altering event for any of their input. I love babies, and they are the joy of most parents’ lives, but we’re just not sure they are for us. I think that is something that I’d like to be sure about first before attempting.
Post # 11
Member
13094 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think not wanting kids is entirely normal (although I fall on the other end of the spectrum in that I want kids more than anything).
But if you don’t want kids, don’t have them. IMO, once you’ve commited to raising a child, you’re committed until the end. Just dropping off a toddler, young child or teenager because you changed your mind isn’t at all acceptable to me.
Post # 12
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
My state passed a law recently where Child Protective Services can step in and remove a child when a parent calls the abuse hotline and says they cannot handle the child and do not want them anymore. Since I have been working pretty closely with CPS I completely agree with this option. I would rather a parent admit they are unable to parent a child and that child be safely removed from their care than force the parent to continue parenting that child.
Too many times CPS doesn’t get involved until the parent has abused that child they didn’t want to have or keep and by then you have an even more damaged child. Alternatively, we had children who were trying to kill their parents and siblings and the parents had exhausted all of their options and were at the end of their rope as parents.
I completely support anybody who says they don’t want kids. I may tell them that they might change their mind but I would never tell somebody who said they didn’t want kids that they should have them. Kids are a lot of work and they take a lot out of you with very little in return so I can easily see why somebody wouldn’t like the idea of being a parent.
P.S. So long as the parent actively gives up custody of the child to CPS and there are no other allegations of abuse or neglect, no criminal charges are filed against the parent (this was the crucial part of the law that changed.) If you are in Florida and plan to do this, I do suggest speaking with a family law attorney first to make sure your situation matches that required by the statute.
Post # 13
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
However, CPS offers free family counseling for just in case they change their mind. (And the abandoned child always gets individual counseling to deal with the entire situation.)
P.S. It does not absolve you of child support for that child and the State can go after you to recoup benefits given to your child while in CPS care and custody.
Post # 14
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
@beachbride1216: I think that there is no black and white in this situation. If it comes to the point where you have to give up your child for any reason, everyone in the situation is already suffering. If there is the potential of harm for either the child or parents, there needs to be a viable solution. This is in fact a sad reality. *Sigh*
@Mrs.KMM: It is always the sad and unfair part of life that people who want something so badly seem to have trouble having them and people who don’t want them have them with such ease.
Post # 15
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
@beachbride1216: They can get the children back after giving them up? Now I have mixed feelings about that. In an ideal world, no child should be in foster care. Every child deserves to have a stable home and should be able to trust that their parent(s) have unconditional love for them. In a situation where the child returns to a parent who gave them up, he or she will always be wondering when the next time they’ll be given up and will have no sense of stability. On the other side of things, they will probably never be comfortable as a ward of the state.
Post # 16
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@PeeIBee: That is the same concern I always had. They do tons of counseling before reunification but that child will always have in the back of their head that mom/dad doesn’t want or love them. It’s always a mutual decision by the child and the parent whether to reunite and the child’s individual therapist also gets a say in whether they are reunified.