(Closed) Not Wanting Kids Is Entirely Normal

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Would you give up your child if you had the opportunity to?

    NEVER! This should not be an option. EVER.

    Maybe. If I had no other choice.

    Maybe, if I hated being a parent.

    Yes, if I had no other choice or support.

    Yes, in a heartbeat.

    This should be an option everywhere for people who figure out that they can't be good parents.

    This article makes me sad.

    This article enlightened me.

    I wouldn't do it, but I can't judge those who do.

  • Post # 48
    Member
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    View original reply
    @Mrs.KMM:  I totally agree. 

    My goodness, once you have them I consider it a commitment you need to stick to.  I think it is fine, even good to admit you don’t want children if you don’t want children.  But if you don’t, my goodness do NOT have them!

    Post # 49
    Member
    3354 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @Mrsluckywife:  

    View original reply
    @cbee:  but what about those who (presumably) had children because they were wanted but then realized that motherhood isn’t all it was cracked up to be? that’s what the article covers too.

    Post # 50
    Hostess
    11163 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I am really torn by this article.

    As someone who was willingly given to my grandparents to raise by my mother I am thankful that she made the right decision to put my needs before her own when she realized that being a mother wasn’t for her. Yes she made the decision to have a child but for her being a mother was impossible. She could have stuck with being a mother of a young child and who knows what wonderful situations I would have been exposed to instead she opted to admit defeat and look to those that were in better position to provide her daughter with the best in life. I don’t hold her decision against her at all. I am not damaged goods but I am emotionally bothered by the whole situation and it has taken me nearly 30 years to accept the situation at face value and move on.

    I don’t want kids currently but I do in the future…and so I wait. I wait until the timing is right and I can make the lifetime committment of raising the child.

    Post # 51
    Member
    2747 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I liked this article.

    “I wouldn’t do it, but I can’t judge those who do.”

    Post # 53
    Member
    1425 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

    This is so scary.  I mean, I know I am not ready for kids now, and I want to wait, but what if I thought I was ready at some point, and I wasn’t and freaked?  I can’t imagine.  But having kids is SUCH a big thing, I feel like your whole life will change.  It’s not something you should take on lightly.  

    While it seems like there should be a place for children who have unfit or unwilling parents, I think the parents need to be held more accountable.  I personally do want to experience motherhood, but I know that by making that choice, I shouldn’t be allowed to just back out sometime if I decide I don’t like it.  It’s not like taking a job or hobby or something.  Try out snowboarding, buy all the gear, give it a couple runs, and just don’t enjoy it?  Fine, quit, and sell your stuff.  Get pregnant, get all the baby stuff, realize you would rather be out partying instead of caring for a kid?  Too late, buddy.  At that point you need to figure out how to ensure your child can have the upbringing they need, whether it involves you or not.  I don’t think you should be allowed to just drop the kid off at a safe haven, and wipe your hands clean of them…

    Post # 54
    Member
    6431 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I haven’t read the article, so apologies if what I say makes no sense!

    I am childfree, ie, I do not want, and will never want, children. For me, this is simply because I do not want them; much like I am attracted to men, I just don’t want children, it’s not something I’ve particularly ‘chosen’. However, there was a time when I assumed I would have them, because stupidly, I believed you kind of ‘;had to’, that it was just what everyone did, and that there was no choice; thankfully, I came to my senses!

    I don’t know how I feel about people giving up their children. On the one hand, ‘bed, made, lie’ springs to mind: these people have CHOSEN to have children, so tough sh*t if you don’t like it. But on the other hand, it is far from that simple. Firstly, an unhappy/resentful parent/s is not good for a child; best case scenario, a parent who is resentful of their children and wishes they hadn’t had them, might be a bad parent, who isn’t particularly loving or caring, and doesn’t invest as much time in parenting their child as they should; worse case scenario, they could become violent or abusive. In those cases, surely it would be better, and safer, for that child to be givne away?

    Secondly, I think the biggest issue here is that we have it drummed into us that we ‘should’ want children. I am a very rational, logical, strong-minded, independent person; yet even I at one point thought I ‘had’ to have children; it was only by speaking to a childfree customer at work that I had a light-bulb moment and realised having children is a CHOICE; and not one I wanted to make. The problem is that a lot of people don’t realise this until it’s too late; and I can sympathise. As someone who is childfree, the amount of crap I have had to deal with from friends, family, and strangers over my decision is frankly astounding. My choice not to have children affects no-one but myself and my partner (positively, I might add); so why do these people get so upset by it? Why am I told I am ‘unnatural’, ‘unfeminine’, and ‘selfish’? Why am I told I will regret my decision (despite always having hated children; I literally cannot be in the same room as them for longer than a few minutes)? Why am I told that it’s ‘different when it’s your own’ (yeah great; still hate children, still have no desire for them)? This IMO is the biggest problem: people feel like they have no choice, and then people who clearly are not cut out for parenthood have kids, discover that actually, they STILL don’t like kids, they would have preferred to be childfree, and that it ISN’T different when it’s your own. So, while my knee-jerk reaction is ‘bed made lie’, I actually have a lot of sympathy for these people for falling into the trap.

    IMO the solution to this problem is not making it acceptable to relinquish your responsibilities and dump your kids when you find out you hate being a parent; but instead to try to change this attitude that we all have to have children, and to accept, and promote, the fact that some people DON’T want children, and to say ‘you know what? Having kids is a choice. You don’t want them? That’s cool!’. Unfortunately, I think that’s a LONG way off. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    1577 posts
    Bumble bee

    This article really made me upset.. :'(

    One the one hand, think of how those abandoned children must feel.. unloved and unwanted. It’s hard enough being a teenager, they are being set up for a lot of mental health issues. On the other hand.. if they are willing to just drop off their kid, they are probably not fit parents in the first place. It’s just a crap situation all around. 🙁 I feel that only newborn/infants should be allowed to be given up so that they don’t have to be conscious TEENAGERS when their parents dump them.

    I am 100% supportive of couples who are CBC, but once someone has a child and decide to keep it, they need to step up.. There are family counseling and parents resources out there for this reason.

    Post # 57
    Member
    9209 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I think it is better for a child to be in a safe loving environment not matter what it’s age. People change continually through out their lives, mental illness develops, relationships change, dependencies can happen (drug,alcohol, whatever) and financial situations change. Some people are raised religious and told marriage and kids or no abortion. And worse still some mothers develop post natal depression and what I don’t think a lot of people understand is that whilst for some it is controlled by medication for some it never goes away.

    I will never judge someone for not wanting kids, for having an abortion, for giving up a newborn, for giving up a fourteen year old and for having a child/ren

    Instead of judging we should all be working out ways to help people that find themselves in this tough situation. By that I mean help the parent/s and any eventuating child/ren.

     

    Post # 59
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I don’t have kids and I’m looking forward to having them.

    However, nobody should EVER be forced to tend to a child when they don’t want to be in that role. That’s how disasters happen. And not for the parent – the child.

    A parent that doesn’t want to be a parent is an unfit parent, case closed, the child should not be there. My interest is in the child’s wellbeing.

    That’s why I’m thinking of adopting at least one of my future kids. I want kids to be in a place where they are WANTED. I want kids… kids exist that need to be wanted… glove, meet hand. <3

    Post # 61
    Member
    6431 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @Regina Phalange:  Wow, I’ve just looked at that poll, and it’s shocking; of the 69 people who had children who responded, 16, or 23%, said they regretted having children. That’s pretty shocking: almost 1 in 4 respondents who have children regret having them.

    This makes me all the more certain that childfreedom needs to be given more coverage, and presented as a perfectly good choice; we desperately need to move away from promoting having children, and accept that it simply is not for everyone, and that those who choose not to have them are not lesser people.

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