(Closed) Not Wanting Kids Is Entirely Normal

posted 9 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Would you give up your child if you had the opportunity to?

    NEVER! This should not be an option. EVER.

    Maybe. If I had no other choice.

    Maybe, if I hated being a parent.

    Yes, if I had no other choice or support.

    Yes, in a heartbeat.

    This should be an option everywhere for people who figure out that they can't be good parents.

    This article makes me sad.

    This article enlightened me.

    I wouldn't do it, but I can't judge those who do.

  • Post # 62
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I am childfree by choice and in my neck of the woods I deserve an award.


    I think abandoning your child should be a last ditch move  because you can’t mentally (you have a psychological illness that makes you a danger) or the kid will starve/die in your living conditions. 

    I know plenty of young moms especially who say they love their kids but they get jealous when they see women with less responsibilities sometimes. Hell, my mom is in her 40’s and says the same thing lovingly. I get it, being a mom is a crazy full time job with no vacation and lots of overtime.

    I think being childfree is a great option for many people, but strangely enough it is still viewed as a freak show option. 

    I will not wake up at 45 thinking I wish I had a baby and I am absolutely disgusted by this constant accusation in my family. I think that is normal and I think it deserves more coverage as a “normal,” and positive choice in women’s lives.

    Post # 63
    2303 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I voted “it should always be an option for those who can’t be good parents”, but I would qualify that with a few things….A. Ideally there would be no unwanted pregnancies, so the parent(s) had consciously made the decision to have kids. B. If you give up your child because you “can’t be a good parent”, you should not have another. I just think people need to have more self control about things and not do the “test run” thing, or give up so easily. Things in life suck sometimes and are hard, this is what you signed up for. Sad sad

    Post # 64
    301 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    if you know you don’t want to have kids, think you will be an unfit parent, or you’re not a stable person you should just go ahead and get sterilized….. that article made me sick. it’s sad to think that some people can be so overwhelmed that they cannot appreciate and adore their own flesh and blood.

    Post # 65
    5527 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @persianprincess:  Why should people have to go and get sterilised?… I’m always curious about this.

    First, it isn’t that simple, at all; women under 30 are HIGHLY unlikely to find a doctor who would be willing to sterilise them, even if they sign documents saying they won’t sue if they chamge their minds

    Second, sterilisation is a costly procedure

    Third, it involves surgery.

    In my case, I am considering it, and plan on discussing it at my next BC appointment, so that they are aware I’m considering it. But at 26 (just) it is unlikely that they will even consider it. Then there’s the fact I have endo and am prone to adhesions, which are hugely painful, and would not want to have surgery unless necessary; so if I do get sterilised in future, I’d have to wait until I needed another op for my endo.

    As it is, I am on the pill (which, due to the endo wouldn’t change even if I were sterilised) and because I’m in the UK, I have easy access to abortion, for free; so should my pill fail, I’d abort, simple as that. I’m not sure why I should have to be sterilised?

    IMO, the answer is not for those who don’t want children to be sterilised; but for ALL countries to provide access to free and reliable BC, and free and easily accessible abortions. And of course, if someone is against abortion but childfree by choice, then they should be doubling up and not relying on just one method.

    Post # 66
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @joya_aspera:  “A parent that doesn’t want to be a parent is an unfit parent.

    I can’t say I agree with this. Not in every situation certainly. Not having a deep desire to parent and have kids doesn’t mean you’re abusive or that the children you raise won’t turn out well. It doesn’t mean that you can’t love and encourage children. It may not be the ideal, but there are some circumstances where I think a kind, loving person could parent very well even if it wasn’t something they felt destined for.

    And the reverse is certainly not true either! Just because you want to be a parent doesn’t mean you’ll be a “fit” parent. Just watch those horrible TV shows of pageants and nannies and such.

    Post # 67
    301 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Honestly this article made me a little sick to my stomach.  I can’t believe the number of parents who would just abandon their kids like that.  It’s sickening!

    Post # 68
    530 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    In my oppinion it’s a personal choice, some people just dont want kids, some people cant handle kids some are just unfit and know it.  Atleast they know it enough to do something about it rather than keep the child and abuse him/her. Im a young om of 2 little devils but I love every second I have with them. I’ll admit it gets flustering but Id never get angery enough to leave them..I need them just as much as they need me. But after reading this article i was shocked to see how many people have unwanted children

    Post # 69
    636 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @PeeIBee:  I think it’s easy to just say “if you don’t want children don’t have them”. As if people that wanted them always turned out to be happy as parents… Clearly this article shows it’s not true.

    Some years ago I read an article in The Guardian about a study conducted in the Uk, I can’t remember how many parents where interviewed but they all where from financially stable and well-off backgrounds, married and had planned their children. 84% of them said that had they really know what parenthood was like they would have never had kids.

    Unfortunatly I feel like nowadays there is a very romaticized notion of motherhood which is completly false. We are all different, some of us have an instant bond with their child some don’t, some never will. Some women thought they were born to be mothers and end up hating it. Others thought they’d hate it and end up loving it.

    We are all different and it’s a very intimate and personal experience and often can surprise us.

    My own personal reaction to motherhood shocked me, but such is life.

    So I feel like as sad as the article is I can’t condem these women. I’m sure they all had their reasons and I don’t feel entitled to judge them.

    Post # 70
    3974 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Not wanting children is fine, but abandoning your children that you already have is pretty awful. I think once you have them, you are responsible for them. Giving them up at birth for adoption, or even as a 10 month old infant would be acceptable, but if you choose to keep the child, you can’t just suddenly decide when they’re 3 that you don’t want them anymore. You chose to bring that life in to the world and then chose to be responsible for that life, the latter isn’t a choice you can go back on ever. That is why choosing to have children isn’t something you should take lightly.

    I feel that even if these parents are able, legally, to give up their children of 8, 10, 14 years of age, they should AT LEAST still be responsible to pay child support for them until they’re 18. There has to be some kind of penalty for having a kid, raising them for years in to their life and then just deciding you don’t want to be a mommy anymore.

    Post # 71
    3148 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I definitely dont judge people for not wanting children. I know a girl who i believe does not want kids, and she shouldn’t. She wants her time to herself, not to run after a child. She takes a lot of vacations and her partner says she wouldn’t even be able to give her time to a dog, so WHY would anyone think she could give it to a child? And why should she if thats not what she wants. 

    I’ll be honest and say i do judge when a young women has a child accidentally and then does not make the necessary changes to care for that child. You should not be out partying all the time when you have an infant at home. End of story. You make the decision to have that child, you make the decision to grow the hell up and put that kid first. Women need to be honest with themselves and ignore the stupid judgement. 

    If you dont want kids, own it. Dont let others make you feel like you should. Be honest. 


    Post # 72
    81 posts
    Worker bee

    Sad ariticle.

    Post # 73
    187 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    this is sad 🙁

    I have a 3 year old son, and he was very unplanned, and unwanted but I had the choice between keeping him or having an abortion and I made my choice. I love being a mother, sure sometimes it sucks but I do NOT see how anyone could just give up thier child , I love him so much, seeing parents not want thier children makes my heart break .

    Post # 74
    526 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    @PeeIBee:  I’ll be honest, I wish my mom had given me up no matter what my age! She was certainly not in the right mental state to be a mother, and instead of perhaps getting to go to a healthy home I just got to live in that environment until I was 18. Woopee for me.

    I think it is much better for a child to be given the opportunity for a healthy, safe, loving existence to live in one where they are resented, live in fear or anxiety, suffer from abuse, etc. I think at a certain point a child can tell that they are not wanted, so whether they stay in that home or go to a (hopefully) better one, they are still going to feel that rejection.

    Post # 75
    1781 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’ve been surgically sterile since I was 26 (or 27, it was right around my birthday) and have no kids, never been pregnant.  Yes, it can be difficult to find doctors who will perform the surgery before you’ve had children, but I managed.  And I was in Western NC at the time.  Otherwise known as Appalachia.  I think I called one doctor’s office over a dozen times in a 2 week period.  I don’t fu*k around.  Oh, and I’m still on the pill.  Periods and me = migranes from hell.  I got sterilized because babies make me nauseous.  I’m one of THOSE baby hating people. 

    I didn’t pay a penny out of pocket.  I capped my FSA contribution for the year, and insurance covered part of it too.  I had my surgery on a Friday, obviously was off that day, and was back at work on Monday.  I’ve got 2 scars, one is about 1″ long, the other is mostly in my belly button. 

    Believe me, I understand why people could and would give up their children.  The pressure to have them is insane.  My ex-MIL never knew I got sterilized, and at LEAST twice a week, she would tell me how much she prayed for me to get pregnant.  Apparently she even got her entire church to say a prayer for my fertility at one point.  I can very easily see how someone could cave to that and think ‘maybe I’ll feel different when it’s mine’.  I am eternally grateful that my fiance dislikes children as much as I do, and already made it clear to his parents that they have their grandchildren already through his older brother, and that will have to be sufficient.

    Post # 76
    615 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I think that not wanting children is perfectly normal, but it’s something that you should put some thought into before deciding.  I want children sometime in the future, and it’s something I’ve thought long and hard about before coming to a conclusion, and I want to be READY for children before I have them, financially and emotionally.  I don’t think that either decision should be made lightly, and I definitely don’t think that anyone has the right to judge anyone else’s decision to have kids or not have kids.

    As far as giving up children you don’t want, I would rather have someone give up their child than neglect or abuse them.  It’s far more traumatizing for a child to be in a household where they’re unwanted and unloved than for them to be given away where they at least have some chance of being adopted into a household that cares about them.

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