(Closed) Not what I was expecting for Christmas :(

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 77
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@Gorjuss:  OP, I just finished reading some of your earlier posts.

I’m sorry that you are going through this, I completely understand the agony of “waiting”  when you are ready to buy a house and have kids, and the SO hasn’t committed to those goals with you.

I do not like the fact that he teased you in this way at Christmas. I wasn’t sure how serious that was before I read some of your previous posts.  Given your backstory, it is mean of him. I just don’t like it. If I were you I’d be eyeing that walk date.

Perhaps he will come through in the end but to make you hurt like that would really take the shine off him as a partner, for me anyway. I could understand if his attitude was “I’m not ready yet but I respect your feelings for being ready” but making fun of you when this is so important–No.

 

Post # 78
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

My SO knows that if he pulled something like this that he’d be real sorry. I would of probably left him alone for the rest of Christmas, but that’s just me. It seems to me that your SO is not ready to propose for awhile if he’s willing to take something serious and make it into a cruel joke. I hope you’re okay, I wish I could give you a hug!!

Post # 79
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He sounds like an asshat.  Maybe at first it was just a joke gone wrong, but it sounds like you’ve told him why it upset you, and he continues to turn it around on you and say that you’re ungrateful and it’s your fault you “misunderstood” his hints, etc… THAT spells trouble for me way more than just a stupid joke.  He should at least have the maturity to see that it genuinely upset you and apologize.  

If he’s not willing to admit that the outcome was crappy, regardless of his intent, and apologize for hurting your feelings…. do you really want to be with someone who won’t ever admit they’re wrong and finds any way to make it your problem that you’re upset?  Has he done stuff like this before?

 

My partner can be a “joker” at times but when they can see that they actually scared or upset me with a prank, they were SO apologetic immediately.  A joke’s only funny if both people think so.

Post # 80
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I think you should do the same for him for a birthday, etc…  Give him hints…letting him think he’s getting something he really wants, and then have it be something crappy.  He’ll see how it feels then.

Post # 81
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m sorry that he did that. It seems to me that he is intentionally misunderstanding your feelings. He might not want to admit that he was wrong. Does he usually have trouble with apologizing?

Post # 82
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Gorjuss,  

No. That is some unfunny sh* right there.  Two posters mentioned two things that maybe you should think about going forward, and I’ll expand on:

1. In a week or two, and do NOT bring up the christmas joke even if he defaults to that defensive position, have a clear-headed discussion about exactly the time you put into the relationship and what you expect, in no uncertain terms.  This isn’t an ultimatum; this is bringing a grown man who you have been “playing house” with to make a mature decision on the future of both of you.    You are living with him, presumably sharing/paying half of everything, comforting him, cooking for the home, being intimate and – here’s the biggie – EXCLUDING ALL OTHER POTENTIAL MATE CANDIDATES FOR YOU in this house-playing scenario.  Remember the saying:  why buy the milk…..?.  So, here, you are giving him a chance and a benefit of the doubt, but no more dragging feet.  This is NOT too much to ask for two people acting like a married couple already.  Christ, how people don’t understand this is baffling.

2.  At the same time, seriously consider getting your own apartment, stat.  Higher probability says that he isn’t as serious based on his joke/response/reaction to your hurt feelings about your ideas of committment.  So, the moving out situation proves to him that you’ve got the conviction to head on out and he can go find some other random tail to play house with.  I have seen this scenario play out among my friends over the last 20 years, and each one of them had a committment of some sort shortly after moving out.  This isn’t about some waiting game or any game, this is about passing up every sweet guy you meet to play house with one guy who laughs at you when you are most hurt.  However, you must be prepared to accept that he “wants you in his life” but “at his own pace” and so he may be completely amenable to you leaving and this hurts much as well.  Either point 1 or 2 will give him an “out”; again neither are ultimatums.  If a man wants a woman, and wants to live out a real committment, a man will directly express/act on that in a microsecond.

One last thing:  is there anything holding him back, such as cost of a eng ring?  They are very expensive and that to me is the only acceptable reason to hold up proposing after even two years of dating/playing house.

 

Post # 83
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Gorjuss:  look on the bright side, at least he gave you something to drown your sorrows with over the disappointment of not getting proposed to.

Post # 84
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would have poured it on his head.  Then slammed him with the biggest ultimatum ever.  I’m bad with jokes, though… 

Post # 85
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Honestly, this sounds like something my guy would do, including the “not technically, I never said that part”. He would do it to be funny, but then he would act sympathetic and loving when he found out how hurt I felt. I really can’t tell whether the two of you are or aren’t on the same page, but it’s really important that you stand up for yourself and for what you want. It really helped my guy for me to describe to him what i wanted. Since we had a really big talk about it, we’ve been learning much about each other. Ask him what he’s expecting. Ask him about his dreams. Also, find ways to pour on the sweetness. Demonstrate gratitude about the other gifts by naming the specific reasons you like them and/or how they are useful to you. Get him a treat of some kind. Find his heart. There you’ll find your answer.

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