(Closed) Not wishing for babies, selfish or too scared?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1227 posts
Bumble bee

No, you’re not selfish. She is obviously going through quite a struggle, and hence why she said that to you (though it’s a stupid way to describe it, as it’s not like you’re not having a kid that you should be giving you). If you had a kid, she would feel equally bad, but with jealousy.

Maybe you’ll change your mind about kids. Maybe you won’t.  I have never changed my mind.

And chances are the pain you’re experiencing now will fade from your mind. Keep in mind that pregnancy and childbirth, while accompanied with pain, is also accompanied with much joy, excitement and anticipation.  You can’t really compare it to a difficult medical procedure.

Post # 5
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s not selfish to not want kids for any reason, including you just don’t feel like it. You are not required to have a child, never let anyone make you feel bad about your rightful choice. You can have an amazing and wonderful life without kids if you choose.

Post # 6
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@aliona.deszynska:  You’re not selfish, she’s just pushing her issues onto you.  She’s probably upset that she can’t have a child and is jealous that you can.  People do this stuff all the time when they’re in a tough spot.  I don’t understand why people spend all this money to get pregnant when there are tons of children that are waiting to be adopted.  Sad.

Post # 7
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Generally speaking we consider someone selfish if they harm other people in order to further their own interests. In the context of having a child who is being harmed? The unconceived child? 

I understand that this woman was stressed out and emotional and didnt want to hear about people not having children but she kind of brought it on herself by asking in the first place.

Post # 8
335 posts
Helper bee

You don’t seem like the selfish variety of, “not wishing for babies.”  You definitely seem scared.  Though, pain from pregnancy is actually pretty quickly forgotten once you have the baby.  It’s a wonderful trick of our body, if it’s functioning properly.  It’s your choice to risk the pain, or not, though.  Maybe some day the desire to have children will be worth the possibility, if today isn’t that day, oh well?

Post # 9
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Its not selfish to not want children. The woman is just sad, and would give anything for a child, which is a normal reaction for someone who cant have children.  Your Mother-In-Law probably desperately wants grandkids lol  So theyre being a little selfish, not you!

But I will tell you, if you are scared because of pain…well the outcome is worth much more than any pain you will feel.  I have 2 children… the first one was VERY painful, epi didnt work and other complications.  The second was so peaceful, I barely felt a thing (epi worked this time yay) Both children I would do in a heartbeat again!

That is a decision you have lots of time to make.  My first was not planned, I never thought about children at all. I didnt think I wanted any, but I am so glad now that I do have them! But some people just dont want children and thats fine!

Post # 10
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can’t imagine a single way that not wanting to have kids could be contrued as selfish. What a rude thing to say to a stranger.

Post # 11
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow, that lady is so rude.

I feel for her situation, I really do. But YOU having a baby won’t make HER situation better, ya know? Like, if I don’t have a high-paying job and really want a nice house, but my friend is this millionaire who chooses to spend his money on a car and not a house, will this offend me? NO.

People are weird. Your life, your choices.

Post # 12
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think people who say that just feel the need to attack something because of their own personal situation, she’d be equally as bitter if you did have children. I mean by all means we can be greatful for the choice in having children, that it’s not already made up for us, but if personally our choices mean that we decide not to have them then that is not anyone elses business.

Maybe one day my hormones will make me believe otherwise, but right now when I think of babies I can’t see beyond my vagina being torn apart to create an egocentric being that will one way or another take over my life. What would be selfish is if I had a baby for the sake of ticking a social conformity tick box, esp. when my other half isn’t wild about kids either.

Post # 13
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Sometimes when people are emotional, they have a hard time seeing past their own situation and will project onto others.  You’re not selfish and I think you need to focus on your health rather than whether children are in the cards or not.  Hope you get better and don’t let it get to you.

Post # 15
4945 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@aliona.deszynska:  It’s not selfish to chose not to have kids. It’s selfish to have them simply because society says to – and then not to be fully in it for the right reasons (like a few people I know). I’m guessing she was very emotional and the subject hits a nerve with her. Even so, that was out of line. Having (or not having) children is very personal and just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD or WANT to.

Post # 16
339 posts
Helper bee

@aliona.deszynska:  Oh goodness, I know how you feel. I had a disease that was on a House episode when I was 9 (Henoch Shonlein Purpura, or HSP). It was fairly traumatic. I was in the hospital for four days, fevers of 104, purple splotches on my hands and feet. I had to undergo multiple medical tests, lots of blood tests, it involved my stomach and kidneys and I almost had to use a feeding tube. Due to blood flow it was painful to walk and I was in a wheel chair for a year afterward. I also had a seizure when I was four. Ick

Of course, now I have phobias regarding sharp pointy objects and medical sitautions. I too do not want children anytime soon, and even researched how much a surrogate costs when I was 16. I plan to adopt and hope to get over this through counseling. It has been very tough, and people who haven’t gone through this just don’t understand. Please don’t take this woman’s comments to heart, it is definitely not selfish, and even if it is so be it, you can’t help what you feel. Take your time to recover and the desire will happen in time if it is supposed to! Best of luck, I’m sorry for all of your medical traumas 🙁

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