(Closed) Note from fiance's cousin

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
49 posts
  • Wedding: March 2012

Send her back a really nice and super polite note saying that you’re sorry she can’t come. and that you were about to drop her invitation in the mail but now you won’t since she already sent her regrets. Now she definitely can’t go.

Post # 33
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@j_jaye:  But nothing about her note says to me that she was letting the OP know she couldn’t come in advance so she could invite someone else. Maybe if she’d left out the part about the cousins meeting and said explicitly, “So sad we won’t be there but I wanted to let you know in advance in case you have a tight guest list” or something. Everything about the note she sent screams “this is a guilt trip” and “I’m expecting you’ll feel bad and make my son an exception.”

That said, OP, I wouldn’t respond to it with that in mind or anything — I agree with PPs that the best course of action is to just saw, “Well, we understand but you’ll be missed” and leave it at that.

Post # 34
2419 posts
Buzzing bee

@NDfan2009:  Ah, well, that’s a different situation entirely! Tongue Out In that case, yeah, don’t let her come – take advantage of this opportunity she just handed you! I rather like the suggestion from

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Post # 35
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow, that was rude! She can’t between the time invites haven’t even been sent out yet, and the time of the wedding find someone to watch her kid for a night? I guess she’s never used a babysitter before as she would not feel comfortable leaving her kid with one. That’s highly unusal. Just because he isn’t coming to the wedding doesn’t mean he can never meet his cousin either. I would probably send back a message just as nice as hers saying how you regret that she is unable to find anyone to watch her child that night, but that you’d love for him to meet his cousin at another designated time and place. Thank her for letting you know in advance so that you didn’t have to send an invite.

Post # 36
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I agree with everyone else. This deserves little more than a, “So sorry to hear you won’t be able to make it! Hope to see you soon.” Make it clear that you’re not going to fold, because if you do, I can guarantee you’ll have a line-up (if they hear about it before the wedding) chiming in with, “I didn’t get to bring my kid! Why does she get to bring hers? I want to bring mine!”

The cousin should be embarrassed with herself for sending that. In my opinion, you NEVER call someone out for not inviting your kid to a wedding. You shut your mouth and accept it unless it’s a little ambiguous (I don’t blame close family for asking if a child is invited. If the answer is NO, they drop it immediately and say nothing). 

I wouldn’t dream of being so snarky. 

Post # 37
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@NDfan2009:  That’s super rude! Especially that you haven’t even sent out invites yet?! It sounds catty to me.

Post # 39
17 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

All the other Bees have said it best. Don’t send an invite and send her a note saying “She’ll be missed”. I am also thinking of having an Adult only reception. We’ll see how that goes. The venue is charging adult price for kids (bummer).

Post # 40
1919 posts
Buzzing bee

I would be annoyed as well, but don’t dwell too long. Everyone’s weddings are different. See about grabbing lunch or something with all of them together before the wedding to celebrate.

Post # 41
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just because the kid can’t come to the wedding, doesn’t mean he can’t meet his cousin. Can’t they get a shared babysitter and bond the night away? 

I am going to have to deal with this whole mess soon . . .

Post # 43
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@j_jaye:  ive seen your posts. you are always “pro-kids” so your response is obviously biased. nowhere in that note did the “guest” say she is letting OP know so OP can invite more guests. you are of course going to give benefit of the doubt to the person who wanted to bring a kid that couldn’t, instead of siding with the person that doesn’t want kids.

OP – I wouldn’t address it, but I would be clear on the invite that goes to her how many you are inviting. No need for any surprises. People need to understand that the bride and groom (and/or whomever is paying for the wedding) call the shots, and others shouldnt make them feel bad about those decisions.

Post # 44
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@blueskies7:  For your information I am not pro-kids but I am pro not creating drama where there isn’t any. I never said that the guest said the OP could invite more guests I said that the guests let her know ahead of time thus letting/allowing the OP invite other guests. You know trying to turn what the OP see’s as a negative into a positive. Putting a different spin on it.



Post # 45
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Saying “I can’t come” before you’ve been invited is pretty tacky. I know among family members there are always assumptions, but you know what they say about when you assume…

Anyway, OP, if she wants to get her nose of out of joint, you can’t really stop her. If you say, “Ok, bring him” to appease her, you open the floodgates for all the other parents. No kids or all the kids. As for the babysitter thing, that’s a personal call each parent will have to make. That, like your decision about an AO event, is a decision they will choose for themselves, as what works best for them.

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