nothing for anniversary

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Just because “gifts” is your love language, it doesn’t mean it’s his.  And the whole “hint hint” thing is just childish IMO.  I guess I’ve just become more jaded the older I get – when I want something, I just outright ask for it.

It sounds like he’s never been the romantic type (or at least a big gift giver) so I think you did set yourself up for some disappointment.

Since it really means that much to you and he’s not getting your “hints”, then I would just have a conversation when you’re calm and not emotional.  Don’t blame him for not getting you anything in the past – it’s over and he cannot do anything about it.  Tell him that going forward that birthdays/anniversaries/whatever are really important to you and you would like him to recognize the importance of those dates by buying you something.  I will warn however, that for guys that aren’t used to doing this, it can feel a bit daunting, like he may be afraid he’s not going to get you the “perfect” gift, or feel well, I got her flowers for our anniversary I certainly can’t get her flowers for her birthday too.

Post # 19
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

forestfaerie :  Do you know what his love language is? Before you were married, did he remember birthdays or give gifts?

I think it’s a bit unfair to expect him to know to get you flowers after you “hint” to him that you’d like them, I mean commenting on how beautiful flowers are isn’t a hint to me. I say that every time we walk by the fresh flowers at our farmers market, but I dont expect or want my husband to ever buy me flowers.

Post # 20
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

forestfaerie :  I honestly think this is just because of a gap in love languages. I don’t think your husband is a jerk (especially if quality time is his love language – goodness, he’s just a cuddly teddy bear then). His brain is just not wired to see gifts as something as meaningful as you do. 

Take this as a lesson and move on, just with the knoweldge that this may happen again, especially if gift-giving is not his love language. 🙂 I know it’s hard for you to move past this, but personally, I would have seen the whole “hint hint” thing as a joke. It was playful and cute, not serious. 

Post # 21
Member
8257 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

forestfaerie :  

Everything everybody said. Plus, it might help if you didn’t  have such high expectations of  birthdays /anniversaries   that you need floods of texts etc

’Also , “Im a grown woman and know how to ask for what I want ”  is kind  of contradicted by the petulance  of  ” If I have to be ANY more clear or obvious, I’d rather not have them at all.”   Sorry if this is a bit harsh , but I just think  this love language thing can be taken too far .

Just accept  differences and try something like ,  “do you like this bracelet? Good, cos its what you got me for my  birthday !”
 

Post # 22
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Just to say I’m on board with the whole if I have to ask any more clearly I’d rather not have them at all. It’s not childish because quite clearly wanting flowers is not about the actual flowers, it’s that he has thought to buy them. That is entirely removed if you’ve told him to!! 

The thought of sitting him down and listing what he is expected to do on each event appalls me! It just takes all the pleasure from it. Sure you can tell him it upsets you and it would be nice but it seems that he is prone to forgetting things and not doing this stuff so I doubt you can completely erase that! I fear you may just have to get used to it. You won’t change them!! 

 

Post # 23
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

“wow, they have beautiful flowers here. HINT HINT.” not a strong enough hint. say specifically, i would love and appreciate flowers on our anniversary coming up on x date. 

Post # 24
Member
3419 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

All you need to say is,  “I would like flowers for our anniversary.” He’s clearly not the type to do that on his own, and expecting that is just setting him up for failure. He’s not that type and you’re aware of that. Telling him what gift you like doesn’t make it any less meaningful. He may pick a certain flower because it’s your favorite color, or because the smell reminds you of a day you guys spent together. The simple step of stating what you would like does not mean he can’t still be thoughtful about what he selects. Next time skip the hints, state what you want, and let him be creative and thoughtful from there. 

Post # 25
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think you need to tell him that you expect some gift for birthdays and anniversaries and make sure he remembers the dates.

I’m more like your husband. I am not big on gifts. I honestly don’t care about my own birthday and don’t expect anyone else to remember or care. My Mum, on the other hand, is all about the gifts. I once forgot to send her a birthday card and she was DEVASTATED. I still find it hard to understand why it matters to her so much, but I know that it does, and so since then I make sure I have her birthday triple underlined in my diary so I won’t forget again!

Post # 26
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

forestfaerie :  hey bee, I’m sorry you were disappointed. I had the same thing happen this year for our first anniversary. I knew it was likely that he might not get something because that’s just not how he shows affection, but I hoped that mentioning the first anniversary being paper and some ideas like choosing favorite wedding photos to print out, or writing a love letter might be a nice idea. I made a poster online with our vows printed over a black and white picture of us from our wedding to hang in our living room and scheduled a couple massage for us to enjoy. (He loved having his first massage and was blown away by the poster) When it became clear that he hadn’t done anything I was sad, but didn’t want to let it spoil the evening so I didn’t say anything at the time. 

That night though- I cried. I was sad he didn’t put any thought into planning something for me as a little surprise. I decided it wasn’t something to be angry about, and reading a few different articles about love languages helped me to remember that his way of showing me love is doing thoughtful physical acts of affection when he sees a job needs to be done. Usually we share cleaning chores, but he’s taken over the brunt of things since Ive become pregnant. He noticed that leaning over and cleaning dishes hurt my back while pregnant so I haven’t had to touch a dish in months. Nothing needed to be said, he just saw that I was getting uncomfortable and made it his job to do all the time. He shows his love through practical things. It was still worth communicating what made me sad, though, because otherwise he would have no idea. 

The next night after dinner I sat him down and explained that while we had a lovely day and evening together, I had felt sad and a bit let down the night before and why. I made sure to let him know that I know we show love in different ways, and I appreciate how he does, but I show love through trying to find small ways to make someone excited with little surprises and it’s important for me to receive affection the same way sometimes. I made sure to say that I wasn’t saying this in anger or to scold him and make him feel like he needs to go out and buy a present the next day, because that’s so not the point. We’re both adults-scolding has no place in our relationship. Just that I wanted to communicate what I was feeling. He honestly hadn’t realized at all and felt terribly about it. (It also made me think about whether I show him love in his own love language also. Goes both ways.) Maybe we should take that love language quiz together as other bees have mentioned.

While I still don’t expect flowers to show up at any point, I do know that he now is planning something in advance for my coming birthday. In the meantime, I’ll jusy buy myself my own flowers when I want them. 😉 I hope that your conversation with him helps.

Post # 27
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

I kinda think you just need to ask him about it. Maybe he really just thought he’d get them when you were going to celebrate this weekend. Or maybe he didn’t realize how much it really matters to you. Did you ask him why he did not get you anything even though you’ve been hinting about it for awhile? What’s his thought process?

Post # 28
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You will find you will not have a good time if you don’t communicate your wants, needs and feelings in a relationship, and thenget sad every time they are not met.

What did you do for him for the anniversary?

Post # 29
Member
6502 posts
Bee Keeper

forestfaerie :  So would you rather write it on the grocery list and get what you want or would you rather not and be unhappy? When gifts are your thing but not his you may indeed have to be that obvious. Put it on his calendar to pop up every year–“anniversary–buy flowers”.

Post # 30
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe the OP hasn’t been as direct as she needs to be, but she pointed out the flowers and has made it known that this is important to her.  He was at the grocery store that day and most likely had to walk DIRECTLY PASSED the flower section.  Part of knowing your partner’s love language is realizing that while it doesn’t matter to you, it does matter to them.

However, I guess hinting and telling him that this is important to you is not enough for your H.  You need to actually spell it out and write it on the next grocery list.  

 

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