Post # 31
Charliejeorge : I agree. this is very US culture centric I think. In my culture, the couple isn’t engaged until the man’s parents visit the woman’s parents, they all sit down and discuss the marriage terms and agree to a date. When that is agreed upon, they have a feast – an engagement party if you will. It’s all very official. Of course the man would have had to ask the woman prior to setting up this engagement ceremony/meeting, and she would have had to agree, but they wouldn’t be officially engaged.
@weddingmaven: This isn’t universal. By your definition, the ring doesn’t even play into it. If two people agree to get married, then they’re engaged. Nobody says that a ring is required to seal the engagement.
Post # 32
Im confused too. If you want to wait for a big proposal why complain when you are waiting? Or get anxiety? Maybe Im old. I was 39 when I was proposed to after 8 months of dating. I sent him the exact specs and James Allen’s and Blue Nile’s sites. He had the ring for a week, then he proposed. We were married 4 months later. To each his own.
Post # 33
We designed together, but then I turned over all vendor contact to Dh so I wouldn’t know when the ring was ready or when he had it. We did it this way because I’m a bit more unconventional/progressive and he’s a bit more traditional. So collaborating on the ring together then allowing Dh his “surprise” proposal was our solution.
And I wouldn’t do it any other way, in hindsight. I got to be a little nervous “waiting”, then I got to be surprised by the trip he planned for us, when and where he chose to propose, and the other things he had planned for the trip.
But really, I didn’t spend much time “waiting.” He got the ring a few days before we flew out on our trip, and he gave it to me the day we landed.
Post # 34
We had plenty of discussion about our life plans before he purchased the ring. I told him he could pick it out because his taste is similar to my own and he is very observant. Unbeknownst to me, he went right out and purchased the ring. 3 weeks later he surprised me and proposed. Later that evening he told me it was his plan to wait until our vacation at the end of this month. He couldn’t wait that long.
Post # 35
Charliejeorge : if couples want to do the elaborate proposal after already agreeing to marry than far be it from me to stop them. But for me it isn’t much different than couples having a “wedding” after they are legally married. The important part is done already (either agreeing to marry or actually getting married) – the rest is just for show. But show away if that’s your thing!
Post # 36
jg19 : I think this is how any man would be when he truly is excited to marry you too. I think some men are dragging their feet.
Post # 37
jg19 : I’ve wondered this too, I never knew this was a thing until coming to weddingbee.
Post # 38
FWIW, my proposal was not at all elaborate. We just both liked the idea of there being a traditional “asking” moment. To each his own.
Post # 39
I’m fortunate in that my fiance has an eye for design that I just don’t have. I gave him lots of ecamples of the kind of styles I liked but was morethan happy to leave it to him to shop for and choose a ring. I trust his taste and judgment. However, if I was with a guy who was pretty clueless about jewellery, had no eye for design, etc, I would have wanted to help pick out the ring, but I don’t see why picking the ring has to mean that we don’t get the fun of a proposal. A lot of guys really want to have their moment and a lot of women want it too, so let ’em have it even when you know it’s coming.
I am of the camp that a proposal should NEVER be a total surprise. The how, where and when, sure, but it shouldn’t catch a person off guard. It should be something that has been discussed, planned for, etc.
Post # 40
Ha! I am in this situation.
My SO and I talked about marriage and agreed it’s what we both wanted before we started a family. He came to me and basically said, listen what do you want because I have no idea & I want to get you what you want. That didn’t really bother me because it’s alot of pressure, “hey buy me this expensive thing that neither of us know anything about and never purchased before, all to show that you love me but make it a suprise!” We both did our research, and I picked out what I wanted based on the budget we set together. He did all the transactional work because I asked him too, I wanted, for a lack of a better term, him to formally ask. I knew the ring was delievered because he can’t keep a secret (it’s cute really) and told him that I don’t want to know anything else until he proposed.
So here we are today and ringless, ha! It’s been alittle over 2 months and I’ve had my moments about why he’s waited so long. After my most recent melt down he assured me that he has picked a day and he is working on making it special for both of us.
I see how it looks odd to anyone outside our relationship but like others have mentioned, getting married is a decision that requires both parties to be apart of. And even though I am patiently & anxiously waiting, I am really thankful that we are on the same page & he took my desire of wanting a surprise to heart. He wants it to be special for him too. I think that says alot about him & our relationship. Now if I wanted something different, than I am sure this would’ve played out differently but it is what it is.
The only con I have is I know it’s coming; based on my recent melt down he gave me a timeline, I didn’t ask but I think he was concerned and wanted to reassure me. I wish I didn’t melt down but to be fair, that has been my only melt down in 2 months (about getting engaged, plenty of other melt downs, poor guy!)
Post # 41
My Darling Husband wanted to formally propose with the ring because it was important to him, not bc I wanted a big to-do for the engagement. Darling Husband absolutely would not have proposed if we hadn’t have discussed it first, bc we were both adamant coming into the relationship that neither of us were interested in marriage – he told me that he wasn’t going to propose if he wasn’t 100% sure I’d accept. He waited to “propose” about two months after the ring because with the style of wedding we had, the official proposal needed to happen the day of (I actually suggested not even having an official proposal, but Darling Husband insisted it was his moment and he wanted it) it was anticlimactic for me, but he was happy (and my kids’ teactions were priceless), so…
Post # 42
We didn’t wait, once the jeweller had it ready to go I put it on in the store and that was that. They looked at me like I had three heads, but no way I was going to wait any longer after being together for over 6 years hahha. Deciding to get married together and picking out the ring together was enough of a proposal in my eyes. My fiance didn’t oppose as he’s not one for big gestures.
Post # 43
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
LilliV : I think in some cases, you’re right and it is for show. But I don’t think that’s true in all cases. I know a ring is coming but SO has never asked me to be his wife, we have no wedding plans in the works, no dates or timelines discussed. All we have discussed is that we want to plan a life together and that includes a wedding in the not too terribly distant future. That doesn’t make us engaged and it doesn’t mean we’re putting on a show. Just because you know something is coming doesnt mean it’s happened already and I think it’s unfair to those couples to essentially tell them their doing it wrong. If a couple wants to wait for one to ask the other before they make it official, why do others feel like they get a say in whether thats legit or not? (not trying to pick a fight, just trying to understand this mindset because I see it a lot here and don’t really get it)
Post # 44
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I think a lot of men still feel pressured to do an elaborate or romantic proposal even if they already have the ring. And I think some couples know the element of surprise is stronger if you wait a few months or weeks instead of proposing right after you get the ring.
Post # 45
Charliejeorge : for me it’s more about the level of planning. I don’t think most surprise proposals are such a surprise that they hadn’t even considered whether or not they want to marry the asker yet. A vague “yea we want to spend our lives together, and oh by the way I prefer platinum to gold wink wink” isn’t an agreement to get married. It’s when you start putting concrete plans in motion that I think the “proposal” is redundant. The whole “he hasn’t officially asked me yet, but I’m getting a 2ct princess cut diamond in a pave setting, and the wedding will be held at the Chalet on March 3rd of next year” to me seems a bit silly.