(Closed) Now he tells me? Help….

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MsJ26:

this is really one of those non-negotiable issues unfortunately. Have you asked him why he doesn’t?

Post # 4
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would seek counseling to discuss whether or not you can agree on future plans. If you are certain that you want children in the future, and he’s positive that he does not, you would be smarter to figure that out before you end up getting married and risk getting divorced in the future because you can’t agree.

I’m sorry he seems to have changed him mind, but this is definitely something you will want to work out before you’re legally married if having children is a priority for you.

Post # 5
Member
2575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If he is firm on this, and you cannot see your future without children, then this is NOT the man you should marry.

Post # 6
Member
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree that you will end up very unhappy if you chose to a) marry him and respect his wishes not to have children, despite your desires b) marry him hoping to change his mind or get pregnant anyway.

You guys have to come to an agreement and you still have time. Fiance and I have decided not to have a large family, but I couldn’t marry him if he ruled out children all together. 

Post # 7
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is definitely something that needs to be sorted before you get married. And if kids are really what you want and he won’t budge, I hate to say it, but, maybe he’s not the one?

Post # 8
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with all the above posters. This is a really hard thing to negotiate you you should definitely sit down with a mediator or counsellor to discuss it.

If he is 100% that he does not want children then don’t marry him thinking that down the track you will be able to change his mind. It’s unlikely you will be able to and if you do get pregnant at some point (accidently or intentionally) then it could cause him to be very resentful.

 

I can’t imagine having to make the decision between the man I love and the possibility of future children so I don’t envy you and my thoughts are with you. I hope you and your man can talk about this and come up with some answers that satisfy the both of you.

Post # 9
Member
6511 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs.  You have to have some serious talks about this, and if it is a dealbreaker, let him know that now.  I do not think that would be unfair of you, particularly as he is the one with the sudden shift!  Let him know how important it is to you, ask why the change of heart, and talk it through. 

Post # 10
Member
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

did he explain why he feels that he no longer wants to be a parent, why he has changed his mind or was he lying before and hoping you would change your mind

*hugs*  im sorry, it must be upsetting to deal with this and i hope you can sort this out

Post # 11
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - ceremony in our family's Catholic church in Watsonville; reception at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

@MsJ26: Awww, this must be so upsetting for you to hear! You’ve already gotten a lot of good comments from PPs, how are you holding up and what are you thinking?

Post # 12
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@miss_blondie86: Very well said.

OP, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁 I think you need to tell him that having kids is extremely important to you, and figure out why he changed his mind, and see if anything can be worked out. Unfortunately this isn’t really a “compromise” type issue- it’s all or nothing and you both need to be on board with the same thing.

Post # 13
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Aww! My heart goes out to you. This is a sticky issue. I have nothing wise to add but sending you a cyber hug. I will be praying for you. I only wish I could do more 🙁

Post # 14
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - Historic Cedarwood

So sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with everyone that it is definitely something you need to discuss further so you can make an informed decision about what you want for your future. I think counseling is a great idea, especially if it is hard for him (or you) to open up. There are so many feelings that go into something like whether or not to have kids that it can get very messy very quickly.

Post # 15
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Definitely, DEFINITELY have a serious discussion about this.  My friend was in a similar situation with her husband (she entered into the marriage knowing he didn’t want children), and ultimately, it lead to them getting divorced.  =/

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