Post # 1
Hi Bees. Fiance and I are due to be married in 8 months and when we got engaged we discussed having kids in which we both said we wanted to have them in at least 5 years. Lately though he has been telling me he thought about it and is very certain he does not want any children. I grew up in a large family and couldn’t imagine not having children one day. I love him but this is a huge topic to be on separate pages about! Anyone find themselves in similar situations? I need advice 🙁
Post # 3
this is really one of those non-negotiable issues unfortunately. Have you asked him why he doesn’t?
Post # 4
I would seek counseling to discuss whether or not you can agree on future plans. If you are certain that you want children in the future, and he’s positive that he does not, you would be smarter to figure that out before you end up getting married and risk getting divorced in the future because you can’t agree.
I’m sorry he seems to have changed him mind, but this is definitely something you will want to work out before you’re legally married if having children is a priority for you.
Post # 5
If he is firm on this, and you cannot see your future without children, then this is NOT the man you should marry.
Post # 6
I agree that you will end up very unhappy if you chose to a) marry him and respect his wishes not to have children, despite your desires b) marry him hoping to change his mind or get pregnant anyway.
You guys have to come to an agreement and you still have time. Fiance and I have decided not to have a large family, but I couldn’t marry him if he ruled out children all together.
Post # 7
This is definitely something that needs to be sorted before you get married. And if kids are really what you want and he won’t budge, I hate to say it, but, maybe he’s not the one?
Post # 8
I agree with all the above posters. This is a really hard thing to negotiate you you should definitely sit down with a mediator or counsellor to discuss it.
If he is 100% that he does not want children then don’t marry him thinking that down the track you will be able to change his mind. It’s unlikely you will be able to and if you do get pregnant at some point (accidently or intentionally) then it could cause him to be very resentful.
I can’t imagine having to make the decision between the man I love and the possibility of future children so I don’t envy you and my thoughts are with you. I hope you and your man can talk about this and come up with some answers that satisfy the both of you.
Post # 9
I agree with PPs. You have to have some serious talks about this, and if it is a dealbreaker, let him know that now. I do not think that would be unfair of you, particularly as he is the one with the sudden shift! Let him know how important it is to you, ask why the change of heart, and talk it through.
Post # 10
did he explain why he feels that he no longer wants to be a parent, why he has changed his mind or was he lying before and hoping you would change your mind
*hugs* im sorry, it must be upsetting to deal with this and i hope you can sort this out
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2011 - ceremony in our family's Catholic church in Watsonville; reception at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
@MsJ26: Awww, this must be so upsetting for you to hear! You’ve already gotten a lot of good comments from PPs, how are you holding up and what are you thinking?
Post # 12
Very well said.
OP, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁 I think you need to tell him that having kids is extremely important to you, and figure out why he changed his mind, and see if anything can be worked out. Unfortunately this isn’t really a “compromise” type issue- it’s all or nothing and you both need to be on board with the same thing.
Post # 13
Aww! My heart goes out to you. This is a sticky issue. I have nothing wise to add but sending you a cyber hug. I will be praying for you. I only wish I could do more 🙁
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2012 - Historic Cedarwood
So sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with everyone that it is definitely something you need to discuss further so you can make an informed decision about what you want for your future. I think counseling is a great idea, especially if it is hard for him (or you) to open up. There are so many feelings that go into something like whether or not to have kids that it can get very messy very quickly.
Post # 15
Definitely, DEFINITELY have a serious discussion about this. My friend was in a similar situation with her husband (she entered into the marriage knowing he didn’t want children), and ultimately, it lead to them getting divorced. =/
Post # 16
Thanks for all the advice. We were up all night discussing it and he is really serious about not wanting to have kids. He changed his mind because his family is not close and is afraid his kid would turn out like his brothers did (only coming around when they need something). Also he thinks that they are a lot of money, etc. I come from the other end where my family is very supportive and we are all close. No matter what I say, he is really stuck on not wanting to have kids and I know this is a potential deal breaker. I told him we probably shouldn’t get married then because I am afraid he won’t change his mind and I won’t change mine either. He doesn’t want to call the wedding off but realizes that I am right. I really don’t know what to do at this point and am shocked this is coming up. I hate the fact I have to go off to work and put on a “happy” 🙁