(Closed) Now he tells me? Help….

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I am so, so sorry. As hard as it will be, if you are both certain you won’t change your minds on this issue, then this is not meant to be. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. ((((Hugs))))

Post # 18
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

That really stinks. I don’t wnt kids, and made it very clear to hubs before we got married that I wouldn’t change my mind. Now, neither of us want them, but I made absolutely sure that before we got married, he was committed to the fact that we weren’t having kids. I think its really great you are having this discussion before marriage, but you both need to be on the same page with each other before you get married, or one of you will have to give in and likely  be miserable ((HUGS))

Post # 19
Member
4597 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Oh no, this is horrid.  I know a couple who married without having the kid talk. She thought she could persuade him but never could.  She came to terms with it eventually, and they now have a lot of cats.  They’re happy from what I know.

He says you’re right but he doesn’t want to call off the wedding and still doesn’t want kids when you do.  Has he offered a solution? Because these things can’t go hand in hand.

I can only imagine how you feel.  Big hugs!

Post # 20
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

I am so sorry you are going through this.

But I just have to say, that I am really proud of you for having this talk with him and being open about the possibilty of calling off the wedding. It was really brave of you, and it shows the amazing amount of strength you have. 

Post # 21
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

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@MsJ26:  From the rationale he gave you for not wanting kids (they may turn out badly), it sounds like maybe he’s having cold feet about the kids issue much like some people do about marriage (it may not work out/we may get divorced)… I wonder if, since he did want kids at one point, this is based on a fear that a counselor could help him work through.  I think it would be a little different if he always said he didn’t want kids, but I wonder if he isn’t just freaking out now because he is closer to the reality of the situation.  I agree it’s important not to get married if you can’t agree on this issue but it sounds like there is maybe more to explore here.  Good luck and sorry you are going through this.  

Post # 22
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am so very sorry!

I have to agree with the PP’s that this isn’t something you should over look hoping someone will change their minds. 

 I would strongly suggest not marrying him…because if you do you will forever resent his decision. 

Post # 23
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

After reading all the posts, I would recommend what another Bee did.  I’d try to seek some couples counseling.  It sounds like his decision is coming from a place of fear.  Maybe it’s something you both can work through with the help of a professional.  If he’s not willing to see this through with you, then unfortunately, it might be better to call it off.  I would hate for you to let go of your hopes and dreams for the future for your husband.  Eventually, that will lead to resentment.

So sorry this is something you have to deal with….  I hope you two can work it out.

Post # 24
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Wow, this is heartbreaking. Neither of you should have to compromise on such a huge decision and you can’t very well get married with each of you hoping the other will have a change of heart. Good luck and keep us posted…

Post # 25
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. 🙁

If you want kids and he doesn’t, I don’t think you can marry him and be truly happy. It can only end in ultimate resentment, either from your side if you don’t have kids, or from his side if you do.

Post # 26
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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@laurelina and
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@Merelton:  <—THIS.  his rationale for changing his mind sounds like he’s “chickening out” vs truly, deep down, doesn’t want to be a parent.  counseling can help sort this out.  kind of a fear of failure sort of thing…you want to do something, but decide not to because you don’t want to risk screwing it up.  it might be a good idea to postpone the wedding until you can get it sorted, but i wouldn’t call it off completely just yet.  if you can’t get it sorted, then…well, the children thing is kind of a dealbreaker issue.

Post # 27
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh my, I am so sorry. Yes, this type of issue is usually a deal breaker and one thing to be thankful for is that he told you now, instead of after the wedding.

Try to seek out counseling, even if it is just a few sessions, before calling anything off or making any big decisions. That way you can explore all possible avenues before making a choice…

I’m sending you a hug because I know this would destroy me right now if my Fiance came out and said this. Let us know how you are and what you guys have talked about since! *hug*

Post # 28
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry to hear about this, but I’m so glad you’re brave enough to talk about this. Fiance (he was BF then) & I were together for years when I changed my mind about wanting marriage & kids. But I was too chicken to have “the talk”. Couples therapy didn’t help, b/c as a PP mentioned.. that’s sort of one of those non-negotiable things. Honestly, at the end, it was hell. I was so resentful and angry (even though I’d told myself I didn’t care, because I loved him). It was not a thing that “got better”.

Fortunately, he figured out he wanted the same things after a while and a breakup. That was more helpful than therapy, for us, because it gave him perspective and time to work through why he was against marriage/kids. Hopefully a therapist will be more helpful for you guys.

Post # 29
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Soo sorry.  Children is a non-negotiable issue, period.  One of you will be dissatisfied, no matter what because there is no compromise on this.  You guys should have a talk about why he is suddenly feeling this way.  If he can’t change his mind, you might want to consider ending the relationship.  You will never be happy if you don’t fill that void, which will just ruin the marriage, anyway.  A counselor might be of some help.  It really sucks when you first get into a relationship and the other person puts up false pretenses to impress you, then you find out once you’re invested that they’ve lied.  I had that happen to me once.  I met a guy and he was great.  He told me he wanted two kids and to get married.  After a few months he admitted he was against marriage and didn’t want kids because *surprise* he had a daugther he hadn’t seen in years and felt guilty.

Post # 30
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Pinksapphire: !! I would be all like Surprised and then all like Yell and then all like Undecided.

 

(emoticons are taking over. I need more sleep.)

Post # 31
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh boy, do I know this one.  Because of our ages, Fiance said lets try to get pregnant.  After 2 months of trying decided he didn’t want kids.  Devastating.   Took a long time to recover.  But I love him so much that we stayed together, and now, its too late, I’m too old.  I still that empty pang.

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