Post # 32
Thank you again for all the great comments. I really do appreciate it and it helps to get different perspectives. I came home early from work because I am feeling really sad. I talked with him again earlier and from what I get from it I think he seriously thinks I am going to change my mind and marry him anyway with the fact that we are not going to have kids. But I won’t give in. And he won’t give in. He was actually tearing up over the fact that I am serious about wanting to call off the wedding if we can’t agree. And the tough thing is I don’t want to give him an ultimatum by any means, I want him to want kids too. But I feel like even if he says “ok, I change my mind, let’s just have kids” then he is settling and that isn’t fair to him either. His idea of a perfect life is to work and then retire early. I wish I would have known that before we got engaged or even before our 6 years of being in a relationship together. He said he really started to think about the kid thing the other day when he called his dad to wish him a happy birthday. Here is his dad, a lonely older man who sat by the phone all day waiting for someone to call him to wish him a happy birthday but no one did but my Fiance. He was sad about that because his dad put a lot of effort into raising him and his brothers. I told him at least he had YOU to call him on his b-day!
I do agree with some of the bees who said that he is stating the fact he doesn’t want to have kids out of fear and the clock is ticking closer to the wedding, it is becoming more of a reality to him. He told me maybe he will change his mind but can not guarantee it and does not want this to end in divorce 5 years down the road when I want to have kids and he doesn’t. I know he is scared to have kids and honestly so am I but I know it can be a beautiful thing, I saw it while growing up in my family. But him on the other hand, his family is so distant from eachother. I can suggest counseling but it still isn’t a guarantee he is going to deep down want a family 🙁
Post # 33
your update made my heart hurt!
My FI’s family is distant, mine is not. He wants to retire early, too, so he said if we are going to have kids, we should do it sooner rather than later. When I met my Fiance, he didnt’ want marriage or kids but soon after he realized that he wanted it…he never said why, but I think because his own family is so distant and dramatic, he wants a family of his own to be close with and love.
I do find it strange that after 6 years, he is just telling you/just realizing this now. I sort of wonder if this is something that he always knew, but didn’t know how to tell you. Neither one of you should have to ‘settle’. If you want a family, you should be able to have one. If he can’t promise to change his mind and doesnt want a divorice, he is putting you in a hard spot, because eventually this could lead you to splitting up. If you dream of being a mother, you shouldn’t have to put that aside.
Post # 34
Everyone has given you great advice. I just want to chime in to give more support.
If marriage is about compatibility, and you want children and he now for sure does not, then that goes on the non-negiotable list… meaning you need to rethink marrying him as you potentially be missing out on a life and life experience that is very important to you.
Maybe put the wedding on hold and focus on figuring this out first.
Post # 35
I would think he would want a family as well so he can have someone to be close with. I just don’t understand it.
We had a few days to cool off and he is still hell bent on not wanting to have kids. We are actually splitting up and calling off the wedding because of this. I still ask him, hoping that maybe he changed his mind, if he wants to have kids and follow me on my journey in life (sounds like a sappy book but how better can I explain it!) and he looks at me with all seriousness and says “No, I will never want kids”. Makes me really sad :(. I am so blind sided by all this. My sister thinks it is silly to split up over something like this because she seems to think we don’t know what we want in 5 or so years. But how can I go into marriage knowing his feelings about this?? That is just asking for trouble. Is this normal for guys to not want a family??
Post # 36
I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. At least you found out before you got married and I know it may hurt a lot right now but if you’re going to have a future with someone you have to be looking some what in the same direction.
I would say that is a deal breaker, you want children and he doesn’t there is no compromise there.
Even if you don’t know what you want 5 years from now it is not a silly thing at all.
One of you will not be happy, or start to resent each other which will inevitably cause you to get a divorce.
Unless he truly decides himself that he does want to become a father.
Can you truly see a future with someone that never wants to have children when you want them.
Post # 37
If he is adamant about not having kids, its best for you to separate. Before I met DH, I was in 2 longterm relationships that ended because my exes didnt want children. The first ex I thought I could change his mind but like your Fiance, h wouldnt budge. Yes he had a horrible childhood but my ex wasone of the most compassionate ppl I have encountered. A natural w/ kids but he made his decision before we met and his love for me wasn’t going to change his decision. Another ex told me he wanted kids and then 2 yrs in decided otherwise. Devastated. So after that I began to ask potentials very early in the dating process. When DH and I met that was discussed w/in our first 3 dates. Yes, we are both in our 40s so there wasnt time for BS.
I know this hurts like Hell right now but I commend you for following your heart. I have a really good friend going through a divorce because he changed his mind 6 months in.(He wants kids and his wife doesnt) Another friend was going through a divorce after 5 yrs of marriage cause his wife decided she didnt want kids after all. Now she wants to have kids but its only to please him. In essence, follow your heart.
Post # 38
No, I don’t think it’s normal for men to be adamant about not wanting to build a family. I think it is normal to become nervous as time draws near because it’s something you haven’t done before.
I agree with a majority of the PP’s that it most likely stems from the fear of how his family is now. It’s like he can’t see the good through all the bad. You said he was the only one to call and wish his dad happy birthday and it made him really sad that no one else called him. Well, I wonder if he even entertained the thought that if his father never had kids, then that birthday would have been even lonelier.
I think it was really smart and mature of you to lay down how you felt and stick to it, even if it meant breaking off the wedding plans. I have seen too many people just push those feelings aside when it comes to making a family or other huge life steps simply because they didn’t want to miss out on the wedding. Then, they had one hell of a messy (and expensive) divorce later.
Not to mention, if you were to marry him and end up pregnant, then if he truly didn’t want any kids, you would all be miserable. Not just him. He would be resentful and you would be hurt and you would have this sweet child wondering what they are doing wrong.
You definitely made a smart decision. Who knows what the real reason is that he all of a sudden pulled that twist on you. It’s best he sorts out his emotions. Now, you have time to cool down and hopefully take the best path for you.
Good luck, and I just want you to know how strong I think you are. That was a really hard thing to do, but definitely the best decision.
Post # 39
Thank you bees. All the kind words and advice help me know I am making the right decision. I have been staying elsewhere because I told him I wanted him to sort out his emotions. I made that decision because as time went on and as we had stopped talking about the child thing, we would act like nothing was wrong with our relationship. I didn’t want this to subside without solving the issue and I also didn’t want to drag our relationship on anymore. I told him to sort out his feelings, let me be for awhile, don’t drag me on because I am not changing my mind. He kept calling me to come home, we had a discussion and he said he realized that he did not want to lose me at all and that he would be ok with having children (there was a compromise on how many kids he wanted and I was fine with that). I have to admit, I am relieved at his decision because I love him and I know he would make a great father and that him not wanting kids was based solely on fear. But I am a little skeptical on whether this is what he truly wants and he made this decision not to lose me. He assures me that this is what he wants. I guess there is no way of telling whether that is what he truly wants besides to believe him and follow my heart (like another bee said!). So as of right now, the wedding is back on! (This has been an emotional roller coaster ride…sheesh).
Post # 40
I’m not sure you can know if it is truly what he wants. I would recommend counselling still, as the best way to find out what you both want and reconcile the two things. I know a couple who broke up because he didn’t want kids (he already grown-up kids, she had none, she was nearing 40). She went off half way across the world for a little while to get over the heartbreak. He ended up flying over there to beg her to take him back, agreeing to have children. They weren’t his first choice but SHE was his first choice, so he compromised and now he has her, they got engaged and married and they have 2 kids. They’re happy. This can work out for you too, but you are very loving and caring and doing the right thing to question if he will be happy. It is possible that he will be, but as I said, I recommend counselling to really think this over together. Best of luck!
Post # 41
I liked that story about the people you know.
Sometimes to keep the people you love, you have to do things you might not want for them. I hope that you can get through this and in a few years, when you have some kids together, you look at each other and laugh about him saying he never wanted them…I think a lot of men go through this and then when the baby is here, they can’t believe they ever said no.
Post # 42
OP, I’ve been following this thread and wanted to chime in- First of all kudos to you for being so strong and for not giving in to your dream of being a mother. I really respect your strengh, but my heart really went out to you. Kids are such a difficult topic especially when you and your FI/DH are on completely different pages. I’m happy to hear that you guys were able to sort out your feelings, and reach an agreement. Best of luck to you both!
Post # 43
Just popped back in for an update, glad to hear that things are back on! I really think that he will be one of those men that are so enamored with fatherhood, he will think it was silly to feel the way he does now. I think the fact that you proved how serious of an issue this is, will prevent him from acting this way in the future
Post # 44
I think the idea of becoming a parent is scary for a lot of guys, especially if they have family conflicts themselves. IT’s definietly something DH and I had to get through together since there is a lot of divorce in both of our families and we are so worried about the costs. And not to sound too flowery here, but your DH’s hesitations sound like something he can easily get over after the idea of getting pregnant becomes more real. Right now he’s just fast-forwarding to a potential horrific situation and not thinking about the fact that you are going to raise the baby day by day together and instill your own values.
Post # 45
I hate to be a downer in this situation, but I have to ask. Have you had a discussion yet about when you want to have children. If he is reluctant to have children then even though he’s agreed he may be looking at a timeline of 10+ years down the road. Can you wait that long? Do you want to wait that long.
All in all I respect your Fiance for telling you this now. My ex “changed his mind” about having children after we were already married. I suspect he never really wanted them, but told me what I needed to hear in order to get me to marry him. However, instead of coming out and telling me this initially he just kept delaying, and delaying, and delaying. I guess he thought that he could keep delaying until I got too old. The day he finally ran out of excuses and told me that he wanted a vasectomy was the first time that I told him that I would leave him. He didn’t back down and neither did I. I was gone less than 6 weeks later.
Post # 46
I’m so glad that you guys discussed this issue and came to some sort of agreement on it but I also agree with Sugaree that maybe you should discuss a tenative timeline just to make sure you are on the same page about it.
I would also really recommend some sort of pre-marital counseling to further discuss the issue, especially because you stated that you are a little worried that he’s saying what he’s saying because he doesn’t want to lose you. Counseling is really useful as it helps to have a trusted, experienced 3rd party around when you are discussing major issues/situations. Fiance and I did both pre-engagement and pre-marital and I saw a counselor on my own and, although that may be a little overkill, it was very helpful.
Counseling doesn’t have to be expensive either as some churches offer it for pretty reasonable prices, if not free. And I don’t think you have to be a member of a church to take advantage of that (at least I know at some you don’t). Also, I sometimes see deals on wedding websites for counseling so that might be a way to go?