Now he wants to call the guy

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
7063 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with those saying that calling Tim is a bad idea. It sounds like your Fiance might be doing some dick swinging and while Tim might have been fishing for a catch, YOU are the one who fucked up, knowing you’re engaged. Your Fiance trying to challenge Tim is dumb. He needs to just rip you a new one and let you know how pissed and disgusted he is WITH YOU. His hurt and anger is because of YOU.

Him deflecting his anger to Tim lets you off the hook and implies that you aren’t culpable here. And you entirely are.

Nevermind. Saw the update. Y’all are a mess. Good luck.

If I were in your shoes, I would use the time with my family to look back at ALL of the exchanges with Tim and pinpoint exactly where things turned sexual and you should have cut him off. Make note of that and don’t allow yourself to get there again.

Post # 32
7663 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I realize my advice isn’t terribly popular here; it seems everyone is for full, 100% honesty, whether it is necessary or not. But that’s simply a bad policy, IMO. You shouldn’t have told your Fiance to begin with, as you knew it never got physical and that you had made a mistake and didn’t intend to repeat it. The only purpose it served was to relieve YOUR conscience, not to do anything positive for your Fiance. And letting him call the other guy was only going to lead to a macho sh*tstorm… which it did.

And for those who insist that they would want to know if their DH or Fiance did the same? I wouldn’t. If nothing became physical and it was basically one coffee date and a couple of texts and he was sick with himself over feeling so guilty and would never do it again, then I absolutely would NOT want to know. It is hard not to turn these things over again and again and again in one’s mind, and many people can never get over it, even if there was never anything there there. The person who did it should suffer the emotional consequences, not their SO, who didn’t do anything at all wrong. 

So at this point, OP, you will just have to wait it out and see if he can recover. But I wouldn’t bet on it. If your relationship takes on unhealthy characteristics after this, please be careful. Him wanting to call the other guy was a controlling, chest-beating kind of move, and I wouldn’t want to see things get worse.

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