Post # 1
Recently my SO and I looked at 1 carat rings and, while at the jewerly store, he asked to see rings with 1.25 to just under 1.5 carats because he didn’t think that 1.00 would be enough. I was totally surprised (and excited) by this and we left thinking that we would get something around 1.25 when the time was right.
Within 2 weeks after that some jobs fell through for SO and it seems that 1.25+ may no longer be in the budget. It seemed that we both knew this without saying it, but then the other day he brought it up. He started by saying that he was sorry that we weren’t married yet (which kinda broke my heart) but that he was afraid that I would not be happy with what he was able to give me. I told him that I understood his work situation and am aware that we are not in a financial place to buy a huge rock.
Then I made the mistake of saying that I really would like 1 carat. He said that he may not be able to give that to me. I am ashamed to admit that I think I started pouting. It took a minute, then I realized that I was being selfish. I often say things wihtout fully thinking them through (working on this). I did then tell him that I just want the ring to be pretty and that I trust his taste and I don’t think I could ever be disappointed with what he gave me. I am just so looking forward to marrying him.
Now that I have had some time, I think I was being a huge brat. I have searched rings and checked out the pics posted on the ring boards here and have loved many of the rings with less than 1 c. center stone. I am now even thinking that a halo setting is the way to go b/c we could get a smaller center stone but the setting will give it more ooomph and sparkle. (We were originally just looking at round solitaires)
I just don’t know how (or if) I should bring this up to SO. The original convo started to get heated until I changed the subject. I just feel so bad. I don’t want him to feel pressured into buying something that he can’t afford. But I also know he has had enough of engagement talk for a while so I am scared to bring it up…
Post # 3
Could you choose the setting you want using a psedo diamond then later when your back on your feet replace it with a diamond.
Post # 4
I would give it a little time (since you know he’s not going to buy the ring right now anyway), then bring it up and just let him know what you said here: that you’ve been thinking about it, that you regret the way that you responded and that the important thing to you is that you get to spend your life with him. It’s not wrong that you told him what you would like–he does want to make you happy obviously–just help him understand that you don’t need 1 carat to be happy.
Post # 5
If you and your SO are budget conscious, have you guys considered a center stone other than a diamond? There are so many beautiful gemstones and alternatives out there, but it depends on how you both feel about it.
Post # 6
@bricon: My thoughts exactly! Look into white saphhire or moissanite or asha… something that will give you the look you want with less $$$ and then upgrade down the road when he’s in a better financial position.
Post # 7
You were being a brat. But… we’ve all been there. You have a few choices.
1. Don’t say anything, hope he knows you’re sorry and just see what happens.
2. Bring it up again, hope he doesn’t feel bad all over again, but reassure him that you’d accept a twist-tie. (Side-note: don’t marry the guy if you wouldn’t do it for a twist-tie)
3. Propose to him. Then go shopping for your ring together and since you’re “already engaged” you can both decide what you’re comfortable spending and maybe you can contribute, too, if he can’t swing it. You can “keep it between you until he asks you back.”
4. Look for other stones you love, or more interesting settings. (Me, I’m a solitaire girl, so that wasn’t an option, but I didn’t care how big it was in the end). Wander by a store and drag him in, or do your own research and show him “look, I found this gorgeous ring that’s only $XX. I love it!”
5. If you could replace your center stone, discuss that option: “this setting can accomodate any size rock – I love this sapphire and maybe for our 10 year anniversary we can get you a new diamond band and me a new rock”. (Not for me, I can’t get rid of what he used to propose)
Post # 8
i would apologize. he will appreciate that your aware you may have been selfish. but get it . lol I know I want a 1 c center diamond. I have gien my SO no other option LOL. But I know he can afford it. So I would mention it to him and explain you would not mind a stand in until you could afford the diamond you want. Gem stone, Asha or Moissanite would be good alternatives.
Post # 9
I think you should wait a day or so and when you’re ready to have a calm discussion, open up to him and apologize for your hasty reaction. Let him know that you didn’t mean to come off the way you did. I think it’s important to let our guys know that as beautiful and wonderful as the rings are and as much as we love sparkly items, we love the guy more than anything and would take a ring pop if it meant spending the rest of our lives with them.
Then you can discuss other options such as the other Bees have mentioned. Different gem in the middle, different design or smaller diamond.
It can be difficult in the heat of the moment to stop and think about the way your reacting. But I’m sure if you explain and apologize, everything will be just fine and you can move on!
Post # 10
@BelleFille: I would give it some time. It is on his mind, so I would try not to bring it up for a little while. Feel it out for when the time is right- if you want to say something again about other options that are more affordable. Sometimes things just have to rest until there is less anxiety about them, so that tensions don’t get high.
Post # 11
I have considered other gemstones and I realized that I def want a diamond, but I could go smaller than 1 c. I know that he would not be offended if we upgraded later in life- this was something that I never really wanted to do, but I can get past the sentimental reason for that. I think I’m going to give it some time and then see if I still feel like I need to bring it up.
I swear this waiting drives me crazy sometimes! Thank god the weather is getting nicer here so I can get out and do other stuff to take my mind off of this!
Post # 12
I would find a ring online (at a more appropriate price) with a smaller stone and show him the link and say you like it. That way he’ll see that you’ve let go of the need for a bigger stone.
OR look into moissanite or white sapphires. I know you said you want a diamond, but if it comes to waiting for several years to get married, or getting a different stone, well thats up to you.
Post # 13
@almostmrsj: “Don’t marry a guy if you wouldn’t do it for a twist-tie”: Wow, words of wisdom right there! I’ve never heard it put like that, but I’m going to start making that my philosophy. Yes, we all WANT nice things, but if it’s not a guy that you would marry if you got absolutely nothing out of it…then it’s not worth it.
@BelleFille: I would definitely also advise finding a ring online: there are definitley ones with small diamonds that are absolutely breathtaking. If you do want a diamond for sure, I’m sure you can find a small one at a very affordable price. I personally didn’t want a diamond, so my ring is opal, but diamond rings come in all sorts of price ranges too.
I’m not sure what kind of ring you like, but maybe check out Etsy? There’s a lot of beautiful hand-crafted diamond rings on there (small, usually) at very good prices (depending on the seller of course).
Post # 14
I’d bring it up by sending hints that you think lots of rings are beautiful that are smaller. Find one online that you love or a couple pictures of some of the bee’s rings that you like and tell him you want to show him. Tell him how you think they’re so pretty then just non-chalantly say “this one is ___ carats and this one is ___ carats” That way you’re not bringing up the somewhat depressing conversation that you had previously. You’re just showing him something that he can afford and saying it’s beautiful. 🙂 That’s what he’s more concerned about. Not your apologies.
Post # 15
@almostmrsj: 2. Bring it up again, hope he doesn’t feel bad all over again, but reassure him that you’d accept a twist-tie. (Side-note: don’t marry the guy if you wouldn’t do it for a twist-tie)
yes! this. so much this.
and to OP, I am in a similar boat. SO no longer has a “real” job (he’s working part-time and looking for one) because he just quit his and moved across the country to be with me…so I told him not to worry about the ring for now but he’s super traditional so he’s going to wait until I can at least get the setting I want and a moissanite (but then again that’s what I want anyway!). Good luck!
Post # 16
I had a chance to bring up engagement to SO after we spent time with my family last weekend and my stepmom was asking me when/where for a wedding. So I was telling SO about what stepmom was asking and then I branched off into letting him know that I felt bad about our previous convo. I told him that I had looked into smaller diamonds and found some pretty rings with .75 ct center. His immediate reaction was “That’s too small.” And I said that the size was up to him. That is is completely his decision. I reassured him that I would be happy with whatever he chooses because he has great taste and I know it will be beautiful.
I also told him a bit about what I wanted for our wedding which he was surprised about. Originally I wanted a venue in Chicago, but the cost is so high that I would be willing to have a venue in the ‘burbs and instead do a nice engagement photo shoot in Chicago. I love our city and realized that I really just wanted some photos of us in the city to look back on. I don’t need to have a venue in the city. I would also be ok with getting married at the courthouse and then having a reception after. I am not willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding. Personally, I would much rather buy a home. He was pleased with all of this. I think he was comparing me to my sister (who had this $$$$ extravangent wedding) and he was thinking that I wanted the same. And I really don’t.
So, bottom line is we are in a great place right now. 🙂 We both feel better and seem to be on the same page. He even told me that I should start planning a bit and narrowing down what I’d like. I certainly won’t do any hardcore planning until I have a ring, but I can start to look into venue costs, etc and get a hold on what is feasible for us. I am sooooo excited! But I am also still cautious about talking about it with him too much and I haven’t told anybody any details besides my sister. I don’t want it to consume me!