(Closed) Now I sort of get why people cheat. Long.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 138
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I have known several men like him and the women who were with them. Unfortunately it didn’t go well for any of them some had long drawn out court battles over kids and other things (one even went to court over a dog). A few ended up being badly physically beaten but that was after a little time of the verbal abuse. I am not telling you this to upset you but people don’t generally change who they are they just find ways of managing (or hiding) their behaviors the part that is terrible is most of those urges to be verbally or physically (or both) come back periodically. In those occasions the men will profusely apologize and some will buy gifts but that doesn’t mean the behavior is ok it just means they have known it to work it the past without consequences. The other sad thing is that I have never seen a case where counseling changed anything it just caused the abuser to find new less obvious ways of being abusive or cause them to postpone their behavior to a later time when the ‘loved’ one felt a false sense of security. Don’t allow yourself to stay somewhere unsafe, don’t leave him for your ex leave him because it’s unhealthy and unsafe for you to stay. Imagine your life if you stay, diminished sense of self worth, possible physical abuse, having to make excuses for yourself and him, and heaven forbid what if he treated future children the same way!

Post # 139
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

You need an annullment. Just talk to your husband and list out everything that he does that is making you miserable and give it to him in a note so that he can’t argue back. Listen to what he has to say after he has collected his thoughts. Try to find common ground and if it still doesn’t work save years of unhappiness. I would say work on it and stop talking to your ex if these thoughts creeped in after marriage, but being that you wanted to leave him before and should have that is why I say annullment. Just DO NOT CHEAT.

Post # 141
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

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@anonyanonybooboo:  This is wonderful news and you are doing fantastic. You are doing the right thing. This was not fair to you. This was never fair to you. Maybe on some level he does care for you and will be hurt by that.. But you know what? Tough shit. He should have thought about that before being such an asshole. You don’t deserve this and you have done NOTHING WRONG.

We are here for you and we want to see you happy <3 

Post # 142
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@anonyanonybooboo:  Be careful.  You can worry about the paperwork later, just be careful when you’re leaving.  More women are hurt, physically hurt, when leaving their abuser than at any other time.  Your family is in danger, too.  Be ready to call the police at a moment’s notice.

Please stop telling yourself he loves you.  No, he does not love you.  The definition of love is patience and kindness.  What he does is want to control you.  Once he can’t control you any longer he’ll replace you with a new “victim” so fast it will make your head spin.  He doesn’t love you – believe me – someone who loves you would never treat you or say things to you the way he has.  He’s not even capable of real love to be able to even think of those things, let alone actually carry them out.  Talk to yourself as though you were talking to your best friend (because you are your own best friend).  You’d want her to face reality, right?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Please keep us updated and stay safe.

Post # 143
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m praying hard for you today. You really don’t deserve a life like that. If he truly loved you the way a husband should love his wife, he wouldn’t have locked you in a garage no matter what you did.  And telling you it’s “good for you to suffer” when you were cold…Girl, please! Your husband should be willing to freeze his ass off before he lets you be even chilly. He should want to protect you and keep you safe.

When you talk to him tonight, have your phone or somebody near by ready to call the cops if need be. Don’t give into him crying and begging, he doesn’t deserve you. Pack your puppy and RUN.

Post # 144
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You are getting such great advice, and good for you for choosing yourself in this situation. You are amazing for breaking the cycle of abuse now before it gets worse. 

It’s very smart to have your parents nearby when you break things off with him. One more thing: be prepared to leave and not come back after you confront him. You do not want to put yourself in a position where you are alone with him ever again after you break things off with him, for your own safety. You might want to check in with a women’s shelter to make sure you are well prepared before going into this. Please check in with us. You can do this, and in a year’s time, you will be SO happy to have this all behind you.

Post # 145
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee

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@anonyanonybooboo:  It seems like you’ve come a long way since the beginning of all this and I really wish you the best of luck today! You’ll be in my thoughts. -xoxo-

Post # 146
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@anonyanonybooboo:  Praying for you!

 

I second what pookiesmom said. Get your stuff and your dog to your parents before he comes home so that you don’t have to go back to pack after you tell him.

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