(Closed) Now I'm married–she won't hang out with me

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have found my single friends acted a little weird after the wedding.  It’s been 4 months (today yay!) and it’s pretty much back to normal but I have found that I am spending more time with my married friend.  I am not sure why this happens.  I knowit’s frustrating but I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. 

 

Post # 4
Member
4951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

She sound immature and emotionally lost. I know this can be frustrating for you. I don’t think that, just because a person gets married, that they lose the ability to have fun. Sure, some priorities do change. That’s a given. But telling her you’d be available on Fridays is quite generous! My girlfriends and I are lucky to see each other once a month since our lives are so hectic. I’m sorry she is treating you this way.

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I really don’t think the problems the two of you are having are related to you being married. It just sounds like you are just two very different people that enjoy different things. I would just let it go. Make other plans and move on. If there is a time that works out for both of you to get together great, but I wouldn’t expect to hang out every Friday.

Post # 6
Member
11 posts
Newbee

My friends 20 years ago acted weird after we got married and now Dirty Delete friends are dropping like flies. I think it is the combo of being drinking legal age, the bars, boys, Dirty Delete is not into that. The things I am seeing on FB of a formerly “nice girl” is sad. So bars and that life style change a person! I could go on but I won’t.

Also, many women do not like women who have a SO when they don’t. I think it is an age old issues, grandmas to 20 years probably have a story.

You will change friends, do not take it personally! You will find new pals with similar interests, the old friends will still be fun to catch up with at the next event.

Post # 7
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@ieatunicorns:  Pretty much this. Don’t put in extra effort if she’s not – you don’t have to see her every single weekend and if there happens to be one where you can meet up, great!

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to go out to bars and dating lots of guys, seriously. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. Friendships change and maybe she’s trying to keep you from feeling uncomfortable since you don’t seem to enjoy the bar scene? Admittedly, she could go about it in a nicer way! Try not to let it get you down.

Post # 8
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You are at different stages in life. Only very strong friendships last through the major life changes, it seems to me that you don’t feel the 2 of you have been as close for a few months now. You have different priorities hers are going out drinking and picking up men, unfortunately this isn’t something you can join in on. It doesn’t sound like she is willing to do her share to continue the friendship.

Post # 9
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t know…just based on a few things you’ve said here, sounds like when you go out, you kind of sit in judgment in how she lives her life. Maybe she feels self conscious going out with you and she drinks and you don’t. I always felt weird drinking in front of people who weren’t. I definitely think getting into an argument over the welfare of her hypothetical future child was not a good idea- a lot could change in that time and bringing it up to tell her she was not going to be a good mom really created a lot of bad feelings, I think.

Also, you are pretty much saying that your friend values this C just because C is single and you are not. That’s kind of a judgmental thing to say about someone you don’t even know. Maybe C is just a really cool, laidback kind of person. Who knows. But I would examine your own behavior and see if you haven’t somehow unintentionally alienated your friend. If you really haven’t, and it’s true that your friend just prefers C because going out with a married woman cramps her style, not much you can do.

Post # 10
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well a problem I see right off the bat is why go to bars if you aren’t drinking? I don’t go out often, but when I do then I’m not going to invite along a friend who judges me and who also doesn’t drink. Maybe you don’t realize it, but your post was filled with judgement. That can’t be fun for her to be around.

Another thing is being BFFs doesn’t mean you have to hang out once a week. I live 2 mins from my BFF and we can go weeks without seeing each other or really talking. As you get older you realize friendships evolve and being connected at the hip isn’t always feasible. She is at a different stage of life than you are and that doesn’t make her bad or you boring it just means you guys are looking at life differently right now. Maybe this is the time to nurture your work friendships or married friend relationships. You can still love your friend without having to hang once a week at a bar. 

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think she doesn’t want you judging her and so she prefer not go out. You can clear the air or make plans for dinner and movie or bowling. So it’s stil social but in setting where you guys can enjoy each others company

Post # 13
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well what is it any of your business if she does go to a sperm bank? It isn’t. I’ve lost friends who felt it was their place to open their mouths to me about me using IVF. And by lose I mean I cut them out of my life because how someone chooses to create ( or not create) a family is no one’s business. I’m not trying to dog on you, but you are only looking at this from your perspective and acting as if you are the victim of something. Try looking at it from her perspective. 

Post # 14
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I took a lot of judgement from your post, and a couple other bees did too. If we picked up on it, she has probably picked up on it. It may be unintentional on your part, but she probably does feel judged by you, and for that reason, going out with you is not fun for her.

Post # 16
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lostnconfusedbee:  I disagree with you, if my best friend said they hated kids, and I chose to have kids, I would just not bring her around my kids. i wouldn’t say anything, not everyone has to love kids just because you decide to have some. So saying anything to her at all was judging on your part. If she wants to do the single parent thing that is her choice, you don’t get a say in that. 

Also I agree with the bees that said you were judging her in your OP. It’s very judgemental, we wouldn’t have needed the details that she likes one night stands to be able to tell you the same opinions. If you thought adding that would cause people to be on your side you’re wrong.

I have single friends who love to go out drinking and flirt with men pretty regularly. When I was single and younger I enjoyed that stuff as well. I’m not single so my idea of a good time has nothing to do with picking up men, but that doesn’t mean i can’t still go out with these same single friends to do other activities, nor does it mean that i can’t ever join them for drinks. The key to joining them for drinks is bringing along another friend that is also not single, that way if my single friends are busy flirting with someone then I still have a friend to converse with. Also, i don’t judge them for this behaviour, they’re single they can do what they want with whatever men they want, they are old enough to decide for themselves. I am completely against the whole ideal that men can have one-night stands and be respected for it, and women can’t without being called sluts. 

Also, your title makes it seem like she ditched right after you got married, this isn’t the case. You went out a few times, and she decided she wanted to go out with someone else. Therefore, something about how you interacted made her uncomfortable.

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