Post # 1
I’m a long time lurker, but first time poster. You are a wonderful bunch of people and I’m really happy to be an official Waiting Bee! However with that being said, I’m having a hard time coping with our timeline.
Me and my butt have known each other for a while and been together for about 2.5 years. We have a great relationship and I’m so, so happy with him. He makes me happier than I had ever thought possible. Everything just seems right. He is about 5 years older than I am, so he has been eager from the get-go to get married and start building a family, as have I. We have talked about getting married for at least a year or so, but back in September is when we officially agreed that we wanted to get married, no doubts about it. After months of discussion about finances and the logistics, we offically laid out that the soonest time we could get married was May of 2018. We then decided that early to mid 2017 is when we both compromised for him to propose and officially become engaged. We have our rings picked out and everything. Because of my religious beliefs, we aren’t going to live together or (for lack of a better word) physically consummate our sexual relationship until we are married.
I know this is something that we both agreed to, and that it makes sense logistically, but I can’t help be feel sad about waiting. Him and I are emotionally ready to take this next step, and it hurts to know that we are going to stay as we are for a year or two. He is pretty sad about the length of the timeline as well. This is something that I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for. Now that there is a tangible date that I can see in my mind thats much farther away than I emotionally want it to be, it’s like mental anguish. I have never been a patient waiter for anything in my life. So I obsess and obsess about something until it happens, and I have never found a way to cope with waiting. I know that I am a bit young and other Bees have been waiting such a long time to get engaged/married, and I don’t have much room to feel like this, I still can’t help but feel really sad and anxious. Even though I have school and a great new job starting to focus on, I can’t get it off my mind. While lurking around a few days ago, I saw someone post a quote that said “when you find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” and that quote literally sums up a lot of what I’m feeling.
Any words of encouragement or methods to not go crazy during this time?
Post # 2
Is there any reason you can’t change your minds and move it up? If you both feel like you don’t want to wait anymore, maybe you should re-think the reasons for waiting and see if you can get married sooner.
Post # 3
How young are you? I’m not asking to be rude, but because you mentioned you are younger than most.
Chances are, if your 95 at the end of your username means that you were born in 95, then yep, you’re young! But that’s okay. I know waiting blows, but when I was 20/21 I wanted to marry my boyfriend that I had been with for four years like…more than anything.
Then he became a douche at age 22 and I’m beyond glad I didn’t force that one. So, I know waiting stinks, and I know that getting married is exciting and what not, but because you are young, or so you say, take this time to live it up as much as possible. Don’t worry about financing a wedding right now, or logistics of moving in together, or any of that. Enjoy being young and in love and before you know it, you won’t be waiting anymore to get engaged/married.
Post # 4
Why can you not call yourself engaged now and start planning? You don’t need a ring to be engaged, you can buy that later, and if you’ve discussed it and agreed to get married on an approximate date….. that IS your proposal.
Post # 5
If you’re both sad about the timeline, why is that your timeline? A wedding doesn’t have to cost anything; the courthouse is less than $100, and a nice dinner with friends and family doesn’t have to be much more than that. If you’re ready now, there’s no reason to put it off.
Post # 6
I do sympathise with you because I know waiting can be really tough. Financially, I know engagement and marriage may be out of your control, however the rest of it – the physical relationship and the living together is self imposed. You don’t need to wait for these things, but you choose for religion to rule your life in this way, so that’s really just down to you to reconcile with.
I guess just appreciate what a good relationship you have and focus on personal goals in the meantime.
Post # 7
So what exactly are the details holding you back? Do you both want a big wedding? Just trying to get a better understanding.
You could always elope or have a small service to have a vow renewal that’s more grand in the long run.
However, focus on the reasons you both laid out and try to enjoy the company. In the bigger picture, you’ll be planning to be together a lifetime…so try not to let a few years get you down! Best of luck!
Post # 8
Hi there, that does sound really hard. Would you mind sharing why the date has been set so far away? It seems like a very long time to wait especially as you both seem very certain it is what you want. I am a Christian and did not live with/sleep with my husband before marriage and I found a five month engagement long enough! Sorry I can’t offer any good advice for the waiting only to say just expect the wait to be long and frustrating and accept that or, bring the date forward and spare yourself two years of anguish . All the best to you. 😊
Post # 9
Really the only reason why we are waiting is because of finances and schooling. Neither of us are in the position to move out of our living situations for a bit and by May 2018, he will be out of working in retail and be a certified PTA and saved up a bit of money. Plus, I know I need a little while to get comfortable in my job, and see how well that goes along with continuing my college classes. The area in which we live in has a high cost of living, so we want to get ourselves time to be able to stand on our own two feet financially.
When it comes to being officially engaged, I expressed how I didn’t want a long engagement because I never felt comfortable with engagements that long. Although a couple of you have made the point that we already are kind of engaged… so I guess I didn’t think about it that way. We should probably talk about that more at least.
Also, to answer the age question, I’m 21 and he is 26.
We don’t necessarily want a big wedding, but we want a church wedding with a light reception for about 80 or so people. Both of us have big families, lol. I’m not so worried about the cost of the wedding, because as long as we are married it doesn’t matter too much. But as I said before, I am worried about the finances of being out on our own after we are married.
Post # 10
I think you both have a lot going for you- you’re on the same page regarding your futures, you’re focusing on school and starting your careers, and you’re making sensible plans for your future. So kudos to you both for that. But you’re also understandably human and impatient to reach these exciting goals. Given that you’re still quite young- have you and your boyfriend thought of a promise ring for now? A sweet sign of your intentions and future proposal & fairly inexpensive.
Post # 11
I agree with the promise ring idea. I think it’ll give you a more official feel and you’ll have something to look at while you wait for your engagement. Once you get engaged your wedding will be here before you know it. Time flies especially when you’re busy and it sounds like you’re both super easy. I think a little promise ring shopping could do you some good 🙂
edit: super busy not easy lol! Stupid phone
Post # 12
I sympathize with you, I’m not a very patient person either, but you need to focus on college right now so that you can set yourself up for a successful future together. Everything else will fall into place, especially if you both continue to be on the same page about your relationship.
I agree with the general idea of the statement, “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want that the rest of your life start as soon as possible” (love the movie too 😉 ). However, the rest of your life has already started. You’re already living it. You’ve found each other and you’re already together. When you met was when the rest of your life started.
Yes, marriage and consummating your relationship are important (you can also have sex without marriage, but that is up to you), but those things alone don’t build a strong base for your relationship to stand on. Your respect for each other, trust, love, and kindness are the things that build that and, in addition to that, your investment in the future will help you have a stable and happy relationship. Money issues are significant reasons why some couples divorce.
Instead of thinking about these next two years as something you’ll have to slog through, think about what you are doing in terms of investing in your relationship. Finishing a useful college degree and doing well in school so you can have a well-paying job and be financially stable is like putting money in the relationship bank. It’s smart and it’s important.
Lastly, I agree with RobbieAndJuliahaha
that getting a promise ring might be a sweeter way to get through this in-between stage. Ultimately what matters in life is the commitment you have to each other and making your relationship work. Keep that perspective.
Post # 13
Just a little update, I wanted to thank you all for your suggestions and kind words! I’ve been trying to shift my focus of this waiting period to be a positive experience prep for our relationship. So far, it’s been working pretty well for the both of us! I’ve had my moments, but it’s been much, much better. I’m glad that in my weak moments I can look back on this thread to help remind me about staying on track. This has really helped me a great deal. 🙂
Post # 14
Honestly? Go live your life. Travel. Hang out with friends. Do things that scare you. Study your butt off and get good grades. Go to the gym and get in crazy shape. Find a new hobby. Read a new book. Join an intramural or something on your campus and make new friends. Train for a 5k. Start working on the things on your bucket list if you have one. Volunteer.
Too many people think that marriage is the start to your life, but it really isn’t. It’s a new chapter, sure, but that doesn’t mean you need to sit here and constantly think about a proposal and weddings. You’re 21! Live your life! Go out with friends! Now is the time to truly enjoy life and become the woman you’ve wanted to be. Marriage is of course wonderful, but it’s not a be-all end-all thing.
Post # 15
I can understand this, to an extent. I’m 22, S.O soon to be 23, and we’ll be graduating in a year. We’ve obviously talked about engagement/marriage as well, since we will be graduating soon and moving in together next Fall. However, both of us have expressed our desire to hit certain points before moving onto that stage. That includes graduating, living together for at LEAST a year, with both of us in a professionally establish career. So, best case scenerio, we’re looking at engagement at 24 at the earliest, but probably closer to 25, which wedding closer to 26. And would I love to start that chapter of our life NOW? Of course! When you’ve found the person you want to spend forever with, you want to start ‘forever’ as soon as possible.
However, just try and get yourself in the mindset that that chapter WILL come, but you’re not at that chapter yet. Like the previous poster mentioned-live life! That’s not to say you can’t do those things while married, but now is the perfect time to throw yourself into new, unexpected things. You can still do all of those things, even IN a relationship. Grab a drink at the bar with your friends once a week, throw yourself into your school notes with a new dedication, try a sport you normally wouldn’t (Like rock climbing-just tried. It’s HARD) give yourself a crazy new hairstyle, switch up your look, perfect your resume, volunteer at a local non-profit. All of these things are so GREAT to do, and we’re early 20’s! We should be doing these things, and if your S.O wants to join in on it, awesome! If you just do them yourself, even better! Focus on the relationship, but also throw a lot of energy into YOU right now. Three years down the road, when we’re planning our wedding and stressed like no ones business, we’re going to think back to these care free moments. Make sure you fill those memories with new and refreshing adventures-both you and your S.O.
Your time will come, but don’t forget to live in the NOW 🙂