Post # 1
You may have read my post yesterday: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/another-thought-he-was-gonna-propose-heartbreak
Well, now my SO and I are barely speaking. I am angry with him and hurt because he is making me feel bad about my disappointment. I didn’t share my feelings with him (about not proposing at the holiday party) because I didn’t want to nag him about the proposal. His mother called him and told him I was upset — because SHE was upset! Now he’s acting all pouty — he came to bed and didn’t sleep on the couch (which was a relief), but didn’t come close to me all night. This morning, I just said “have a good day” before I left for work. He hasn’t reached out to me to discuss this –usually we’ll SKYPE throughout the day.
We have been in such a good space in our relationship for so long and now I feel like this impending proposal is just a mess. I just don’t like his behavior! I am so emotional I can’t even focus on work because all I want to do is cry. And I can’t even call him because I don’t know what to say and I feel he KNOWS his behavior is not helpful.
It’s making me feel like maybe he’s not the one because he said/feels the following:
- feels like I should have told him I was upset about him not proposing
- said that had I listened at the party when he told me to sit down “things might have been different”
- doesn’t feel like we’re on the same page
- feels like I want things on MY timeline and get upset if things don’t go my way
I don’t even know what to do. Help.
Post # 3
@Beeyoutifully Me: Really? He thinks you want everything on YOUR timeline? You’ve waited five years!
Do you have friends or family you could go stay with for a couple days until this blows over? I don’t think you should leave him permanently, but I really think he needs some space, and you might create a toxic situation if you continue staying in close quarters while youre at an impasse about all of this.
For the record, I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. So many would have told you not to tell him for the sake of not pressuring him or forcing his hand or nagging him. I’d even go so far as to say that it’s not his business if it disappoints you unless you make it his business somehow. He isn’t entitled to know everything in your head, and some things are best left unsaid. You chose to confide in your mom so as to spare him the guilt, the fight, etc. It isn’t your fault it got back around to his mother, and then to him.
Part of me thinks he is so angry about this because he knows what it is that he should have done, and he didn’t do it. He is probably just as angry at himself because he knows that you’re rght. Maybe he did plan something for that evening, but didn’t think the possibilities through well enough or whatever.
Post # 4
I would suggest leaving external parties including parents out of it in the future. Just relax and let him do it in his own time. You know it’s coming, but he wants to do it on his own timeline. Let him have this thing. Proposing to someone is a big deal! It’s normal for men to want the moment to be perfect. Crying about it won’t solve anything.
Post # 5
It seems to be a very common thing on these boards that men blame their girlfriends for delaying or messing up a proposal. I think that’s manipulative bullshit.
If he wanted to marry you he would ask you. Period.
Post # 6
“said that had I listened at the party when he told me to sit down “things might have been different”
That comment bothers me. I feel like he’s trying to make you “blame yourself” for the fact that the proposal didn’t happen. I don’t think you did anything wrong and you have every right to feel disapointed. It sounds to me like he’s acting very immature with all the pouty nonsense. You did nothing wrong.
Post # 7
It’s a wonder any of us get married with the knock-down-drag-out fighting we do *right* before we get engaged.
From the other side I’m here to tell you it gets better once he puts his big boy pants on and just does it already. You’ll almost forget about all the fights – you’ll wonder why you were so antsy and he’ll wonder why he didn’t do it 2 years ago.
Leaving the rest of the family out of it is good advice, though. No guy needs his mom calling him and yelling at him for not proposing. He is a grown man, he has a right to get a little defensive at that. Just let it cool off for a little bit, apoligize for being upset (even though you have every right to be), and just explain you built up too much anticipation in your head, you’re sorry, you’ll let him do his own thing. As long as it’s really damn soon or you’ll pack your shit and leave. 🙂
Post # 8
@oneofthesethings: Read everything, and tend to agree with this.
Post # 9
Honey, you have just got to calm this right down, your about to throw the baby out with the bath water and you’ll hate yourself forever if you keep going down this path the way you are.
I understand that you were expecting a proposal at this party, and maybe your SO was expecting it too, but he wanted it to be just right, and that moment didn’t present itself, so he didn’t. That’s one cool headed fella you got on your hands, you should be happy that he’s got an plan about what he wants that moment to be for you both, and he will accept nothing less than his ideal.
If you were honestly that upset about it not happening, I think talking about it in a calm and honest fashion would have been par for the course, I mean, you want to marry this guy right? Hiding your feellings breeds mistrust, no matter who you think your sparing by keeping them to yourself, it makes him feel inadequate.
It would appear you aren’t on the same page right now, you want to be upset and he wants to propose to you, but since you are hell bent on trying to predict it before he even gets a chance to put his hand on that ring to ask, he keeps backing away because the proposal gets hichjacked by this fixated anticipation over the whole thing.
I know this is so hard, and that you love this man so much and just want to take that next step, but just like dancing, you gotta let him lead! This is a man’s job, the man has got to do it and it’s your job to sit there, look pretty, cry and say yes, that’s it…the rest of this has got to stop….find someone that won’t call him and repeat word for word your complaints, get your mind off what’s going to happen and get your focus on what is happening! You are missing this holiday season over a ring and a question you already know the answer to…get in the moment with this man you love, the future will be here before you know it.
Post # 10
Post # 11
@Nona99: This is awesome. Thank you for saying what I was thinking, only in a much more compassionate way than I’d have said it. 🙂
@Beeyoutifully Me: Leave your family members out of this situation, because not only is your guy feeling as though he let you down, he’s feeling like he let his mom down, your mom down and granny down, too. Let him be the hero instead of making him feel so bad about himself. You’re shooting yourself in the foot by how you’re handling this and by putting him in a situation where he’s between a rock and a hard place, even if he does want to propose.
Post # 12
I have to disagree with some of the bees, yes, if he wanted to marry you he would ask you…but he got you a ring…so he is obviously planning to ask. I just think that a lot of guys can’t win: we want them to propose and push so hard…and then complain it wasn’t special. Meanwhile it wasn’t special because we drove them nuts to do it.
Try to remember: you haven’t been waiting five years. You’ve been together five years. You don’t start “waiting” the day you meet.
I understand you’re frustrated. I’ve been there. But seriously, you need to give the guy a break. His mother and your mother, and everyone interfering is not going to make him want to propose any more. You know he wants to ask….try to relax and let him do it his way. This is a really big deal for a lot of guys…….just because he doesn’t do it exactlly the way you want it at exactlly the time you want him to doesn’t mean he wants to marry you any less, or that he isn’t ever going to ask. It just means he has different plans.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
You describe him as being all pouty… but you being all pissed that he didn’t propose, having all the parents talk about it, but not being honest with him about why you’re pissed doesn’t sound very mature either. I know it’s hard when you expect something and it doesn’t happen… but cut the guy a little slack.
He has the ring and he’s obviously waiting for the right time. You have your whole lives ahead of you, is it really worth getting so upset over a few months? I can understand the disappointment, but it’s really REALLY not worth turning it into a relationship-questioning fight.
Good luck and I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly xoxo
Post # 14
Post # 15
@pecanpie: +1! That statement really bothered me too! I hate that whole “Well I was JUUUUUST about to propose, then right as I was opening my mouth you did something to make me mad now I am not going to do anything…”I call BS.
Post # 16
Normally I agree with @EffieTrinket: but I think leaving would escalate the situation further and that is what you don’t need.
I’d tell him that you love him and don’t want to fight. From what I see you probably shouldn’t have involved the moms as the phone call made him defensive – no adult likes to be lectured by their mom. As a result, his reaction (blaming you for for being busy and questioning your relationship) strikes me as a defensive overreaction. Yes, it’s isn’t unfair to you (and childish) but his feelings are hurt too and he isn’t thinking rationally.
Give him a few days (or a couple of weeks) to get over it and give him a breather from any talk of engagement (while you two both have bruised feelings.) Try to focus on what is good about your relationship for a bit before you raise the issue of engagement again- it will take the pressure off of both of you.
(edited to elaborate)