(Closed) Now what do I do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Without knowing more than what’s in this post? Here are my initial thoughts (ETA – if you want to continue your relationship with SO).

Tell your SO.

Volunteer to end your friendship with the Other Guy (OG). 

Even if SO says “it’s OK”, I strongly recommend ending friendship with OG. There is an obvious problem with both temptation and boundaries.

Post # 4
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Nowwhat:  Honestly, it sounds like you are more worried about what this meant with your friend, and what HE thinks or feels, rather than worrying about how to explain this to your SO!!!

Regardless, you absolutely need to tell your SO everything!!

Post # 5
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Nowwhat:  I wish I had the right answers for you but I don’t, so i will leave that to more experienced, wiser bees.

I am going to tell you, though, that you are NOT a bad person, no matter what anyone else thinks. I’ve had an affair with a married man in my past (and have been cheated on) and what that whole experience taught me is that a) sometimes things really do “just happen.” I used to think it was b.s. and that adults are responsible for their actions and feelings but anyone is capable of finding themselves in this kind of situation if the circumstances are right, even those of us who swore we’d never hurt someone in such a horrible way b) it is a MISTAKE and the sooner you solidify that in your head, the easier it will be to move on, rectify as much as you can, and be a better you.

What you did was bad and a violation of trust. But it doesn’t make you a bad person.

As for my advice, for what it’s worth: I also think you should think long and hard about how this has affected you. You said you had a crush on this guy but did that crush ever go away and it just happened to resurface, or have you held onto that crush and finally expressed it? If it’s the former, the best thing you can do is probably try to distance yourself from this guy as much as you can to avoid a flame but if it’s the latter, you need to think about who you really want to be with, and what each of these men mean to you.

I would also probably try to talk about this with your friend in private and really get down to business about what all of that really was if your feelings are confused – maybe he got drunk and made a mistake, maybe he wants you, maybe he was playing games. I think if in your mind, this was a one time mistake, then his motives shouldn’t matter because you’d be done with him either way. But if what happened between you has you re-evaluating your relationships with these men, it’s dire for you to find out the truth.

Post # 6
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

was alcohol involved?

I’m just wondering if you had a clear head – especially since you kissed again.

Post # 7
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@OUgal0004:  

Agree with this. OP, you need to work out why you did this….are you not satisfied with your current relationship? For me, marriage should be off the cards until you work out what your priorities are. Your SO deserves the truth and you need to know what’s right for you long term before you address the issue of marriage.

Post # 8
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honey, I don’t think marriage should be on the horizon at all right now. You sound like you’re almost more concerned about where you stand with your friend than about your relationship with your SO. That’s not necessarily a bad thing–maybe you’re just realizing that your SO isn’t the right guy for you. Obviously kissing someone else isn’t exactly an honorable way to behave, but what’s done is done, and you clearly feel guilty about it. What’s important now is to figure out what you want and to treat your SO with dignity and respect. Don’t worry about this other guy for the moment. Figure out whether you want to be with your boyfriend, or whether this incident was a symptom of something larger. If you don’t feel 100% committed to him–and it doesn’t sound like you do–then please don’t lead him on. 3 years is no joke. Don’t drag this out longer only to break his heart down the road.

As for the other guy: he obviously feels guilty about the way he treated his gf. I certainly wouldn’t count on anything from him if I were you. Friendship will be awkward for a while, and while it’s possible he’ll try to get with you if you’re single it seems a) unlikely and b) like that might not be the best idea. If you do decide to stay with your SO, you definitely need to distance yourself from this friend and scrupulously avoid one-on-one situations with anyone else you may find attractive.

I hope I haven’t come across as harsh–I certainly don’t mean to be unkind. But you don’t sound ready for a lifelong commitment to anyone just yet, and I’m not sure either of these guys is the answer.

ETA: FWIW, I don’t think you need to tell your SO unless you decide to stay with him. If you decide he’s not the one for you, disclosing this will only add insult to injury.

Post # 9
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I agree that it’s odd that you’re worried about how your friend feels toward you, what it “means,” and if your friendship will be able to continue.

If you’re going to stick with your SO and start a life together, I think it’s best to get this kind of thing out on the table. Normally I’m not one to say that a partner needs to know every little secret . . . but in this case, it wasn’t just a stupid kiss that you regret and feel grossed out about now. It seems like you liked it, and you are interested to see where THAT will lead. Your SO deserves to know and I think you guys need to talk it through.

I think you and your friend should not see each other for a while. It doesn’t matter how he feels if you feel the way you say you do about your SO.

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Were you guys drunk when this happened? A lot of the time you lose your inhibitions when you’re drunk and are much more likely to get swept away in a moment like that. I’t snot wrong to have feelings for someone else, but it is wrong to act on them like that. Don’t beat yourself up too much – just try to calm down and analyze what happened and how you feel about your SO. If this was just a drunken spur of the moment mistake based on some past feelings then forgive yourself and move on. But if you really think that you’re unhappy with SO and like this other guy, you should think about putting the marriage discussions on hold while you figure everything out.

Post # 12
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Nowwhat:  FWIW, a friend should have more consideration than to put you in a position like the one you’re in now.

He might have his own issues to work through, which is actually more of a reason to create some distance for a while, regardless of the actions you choose with respect to your current SO.

Post # 13
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

this is cheating. plain and simple. the simple fact that you allowed this to happen is enough to let you know that you are not fully committed to the relationship. Based on what you wrote it seems it took little to no persuasion on his part for you to kiss him. It is not fair for you to stay with your SO when he deserves someone who can stay faithful. I would not go as far as to say you are a bad person though. I think you made a mistake though for sure and that should be acknowledged. I am quite surprised at the responses so far. I wonder what the response would be if this were a post about finding out that the guy in the relationship had done this exact thing. i would imagine there would be a lot of posts saying this is cheating and is a deal breaker for most of us. I do not think marriage should be on the horizon at all right now. I think there are deeper reasons as to why this happened and those need to be figured out first and foremost. I think your SO should know that this happened and should be given the chance to decide for himself if this is something he can move forward from or if this is a deal breaker for him. I am one though that would want to know if i were in his shoes so this is just my opinion. I am not trying to sound harsh nor am I saying anything bad about you as a person. I do hope that you find a resolution to this and that things get figured out.

Post # 14
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

I think you should take a break from having communication with the friend you kissed. For one, any true friend wouldn’t try to kiss you and would respect the fact that you were in a relationship.  Especially one that you’ve been in for 3 years.  Out of respect for your SO you should stop the relationship with the friend as well.  There is such a thing as emotional cheating.  If you feel like the friendship is so important that you couldn’t end it, then maybe your SO isn’t really the One.  Because there shouldn’t be any hesitation…

Post # 15
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Personally I don’t think you are truly in love or in it in the long run with your SO if you consistently think about this other guy, occasionally flirt and were willing to give in that quick for a kiss.

Be honest, fess up and take it from there. Don’t be afraid to take some time to process and think about everything. This is a big issue and can determine the rest of your life ( marriage etc )

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