Post # 1
Another fairly regular Bee gone Anon. I had to because I have posted too much information that could give away who I am IRL.
I have spent the past few weeks wondering if I should even bother posting. I don’t want people to tell me I am a horrible person…because I feel like I am.
I’ll try to keep it short: Me and my SO had people over a few weekends ago for a small party. At the end of the night everyone either left or went to bed even my SO except me and one of my close guy friends. We talked for another hour or so and cleaned the kitchen no big deal. We did flirt a little but that is normal for us. Then before I know it he walks over so he is right in front of me and says something about knowing that’s why I stayed up.I said no, we stare at each other, and then kiss. I freaked and we started talking and then we kissed again. This time I went to bed. The next morning he wouldn’t talk to me and barely looked my way. I’m so confused.
Just some extra info: I have had a crush on him before but it was nothing and I got over it. I have not stopped thinking about what it means since it happened. I feel sick whenever I think of my SO. I have been with my SO for 3 years and we have recently been talking about marriage. I feel like this should be on hold now. I should feel nothing when I think of that night! Right? My friend has a girlfriend.
Now what? Does my friend like me? Is he messing with my head because he knew I once had a crush a long time ago? Do I tell my SO? Will me and my friend be able to just be friends? I’m not expecting all the answers hear…maybe I needed to vent it all out.
Post # 3
Without knowing more than what’s in this post? Here are my initial thoughts (ETA – if you want to continue your relationship with SO).
Tell your SO.
Volunteer to end your friendship with the Other Guy (OG).
Even if SO says “it’s OK”, I strongly recommend ending friendship with OG. There is an obvious problem with both temptation and boundaries.
Post # 4
@Nowwhat: Honestly, it sounds like you are more worried about what this meant with your friend, and what HE thinks or feels, rather than worrying about how to explain this to your SO!!!
Regardless, you absolutely need to tell your SO everything!!
Post # 5
@Nowwhat: I wish I had the right answers for you but I don’t, so i will leave that to more experienced, wiser bees.
I am going to tell you, though, that you are NOT a bad person, no matter what anyone else thinks. I’ve had an affair with a married man in my past (and have been cheated on) and what that whole experience taught me is that a) sometimes things really do “just happen.” I used to think it was b.s. and that adults are responsible for their actions and feelings but anyone is capable of finding themselves in this kind of situation if the circumstances are right, even those of us who swore we’d never hurt someone in such a horrible way b) it is a MISTAKE and the sooner you solidify that in your head, the easier it will be to move on, rectify as much as you can, and be a better you.
What you did was bad and a violation of trust. But it doesn’t make you a bad person.
As for my advice, for what it’s worth: I also think you should think long and hard about how this has affected you. You said you had a crush on this guy but did that crush ever go away and it just happened to resurface, or have you held onto that crush and finally expressed it? If it’s the former, the best thing you can do is probably try to distance yourself from this guy as much as you can to avoid a flame but if it’s the latter, you need to think about who you really want to be with, and what each of these men mean to you.
I would also probably try to talk about this with your friend in private and really get down to business about what all of that really was if your feelings are confused – maybe he got drunk and made a mistake, maybe he wants you, maybe he was playing games. I think if in your mind, this was a one time mistake, then his motives shouldn’t matter because you’d be done with him either way. But if what happened between you has you re-evaluating your relationships with these men, it’s dire for you to find out the truth.
Post # 6
was alcohol involved?
I’m just wondering if you had a clear head – especially since you kissed again.
Post # 7
Agree with this. OP, you need to work out why you did this….are you not satisfied with your current relationship? For me, marriage should be off the cards until you work out what your priorities are. Your SO deserves the truth and you need to know what’s right for you long term before you address the issue of marriage.
Post # 8
Honey, I don’t think marriage should be on the horizon at all right now. You sound like you’re almost more concerned about where you stand with your friend than about your relationship with your SO. That’s not necessarily a bad thing–maybe you’re just realizing that your SO isn’t the right guy for you. Obviously kissing someone else isn’t exactly an honorable way to behave, but what’s done is done, and you clearly feel guilty about it. What’s important now is to figure out what you want and to treat your SO with dignity and respect. Don’t worry about this other guy for the moment. Figure out whether you want to be with your boyfriend, or whether this incident was a symptom of something larger. If you don’t feel 100% committed to him–and it doesn’t sound like you do–then please don’t lead him on. 3 years is no joke. Don’t drag this out longer only to break his heart down the road.
As for the other guy: he obviously feels guilty about the way he treated his gf. I certainly wouldn’t count on anything from him if I were you. Friendship will be awkward for a while, and while it’s possible he’ll try to get with you if you’re single it seems a) unlikely and b) like that might not be the best idea. If you do decide to stay with your SO, you definitely need to distance yourself from this friend and scrupulously avoid one-on-one situations with anyone else you may find attractive.
I hope I haven’t come across as harsh–I certainly don’t mean to be unkind. But you don’t sound ready for a lifelong commitment to anyone just yet, and I’m not sure either of these guys is the answer.
ETA: FWIW, I don’t think you need to tell your SO unless you decide to stay with him. If you decide he’s not the one for you, disclosing this will only add insult to injury.
Post # 9
I agree that it’s odd that you’re worried about how your friend feels toward you, what it “means,” and if your friendship will be able to continue.
If you’re going to stick with your SO and start a life together, I think it’s best to get this kind of thing out on the table. Normally I’m not one to say that a partner needs to know every little secret . . . but in this case, it wasn’t just a stupid kiss that you regret and feel grossed out about now. It seems like you liked it, and you are interested to see where THAT will lead. Your SO deserves to know and I think you guys need to talk it through.
I think you and your friend should not see each other for a while. It doesn’t matter how he feels if you feel the way you say you do about your SO.
Post # 10
Were you guys drunk when this happened? A lot of the time you lose your inhibitions when you’re drunk and are much more likely to get swept away in a moment like that. I’t snot wrong to have feelings for someone else, but it is wrong to act on them like that. Don’t beat yourself up too much – just try to calm down and analyze what happened and how you feel about your SO. If this was just a drunken spur of the moment mistake based on some past feelings then forgive yourself and move on. But if you really think that you’re unhappy with SO and like this other guy, you should think about putting the marriage discussions on hold while you figure everything out.
Post # 11
@GroovyHippieChick: and @moderndaisy: I had been drinking a good amount that night but I wasn’t drunk. My friend was sober.
I think I am concerned with what it means for me and my friend because he is one of my best friends and has been for years. I’m mad at him for that night but I don’t want to lose a friend over something if it was a one time, in the moment mistake.
I love my SO, he is so good to me, sweet, carin. He lets me be myself and puts up with my crazy. I think that on my part I was freaking out with all the talk about the future. We have been together 3 years and I can not imagine not being with him but I am still a sort of committment phobe. I am working on that and he knows that. I know that is NOT an excuse. Just maybe an explanation.
@harleyq: Thank you so much. That did make me feel somewhat better.
Post # 12
@Nowwhat: FWIW, a friend should have more consideration than to put you in a position like the one you’re in now.
He might have his own issues to work through, which is actually more of a reason to create some distance for a while, regardless of the actions you choose with respect to your current SO.
Post # 13
this is cheating. plain and simple. the simple fact that you allowed this to happen is enough to let you know that you are not fully committed to the relationship. Based on what you wrote it seems it took little to no persuasion on his part for you to kiss him. It is not fair for you to stay with your SO when he deserves someone who can stay faithful. I would not go as far as to say you are a bad person though. I think you made a mistake though for sure and that should be acknowledged. I am quite surprised at the responses so far. I wonder what the response would be if this were a post about finding out that the guy in the relationship had done this exact thing. i would imagine there would be a lot of posts saying this is cheating and is a deal breaker for most of us. I do not think marriage should be on the horizon at all right now. I think there are deeper reasons as to why this happened and those need to be figured out first and foremost. I think your SO should know that this happened and should be given the chance to decide for himself if this is something he can move forward from or if this is a deal breaker for him. I am one though that would want to know if i were in his shoes so this is just my opinion. I am not trying to sound harsh nor am I saying anything bad about you as a person. I do hope that you find a resolution to this and that things get figured out.
Post # 14
I think you should take a break from having communication with the friend you kissed. For one, any true friend wouldn’t try to kiss you and would respect the fact that you were in a relationship. Especially one that you’ve been in for 3 years. Out of respect for your SO you should stop the relationship with the friend as well. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. If you feel like the friendship is so important that you couldn’t end it, then maybe your SO isn’t really the One. Because there shouldn’t be any hesitation…
Post # 15
Personally I don’t think you are truly in love or in it in the long run with your SO if you consistently think about this other guy, occasionally flirt and were willing to give in that quick for a kiss.
Be honest, fess up and take it from there. Don’t be afraid to take some time to process and think about everything. This is a big issue and can determine the rest of your life ( marriage etc )
Post # 16
First thank you for all the responses. I came here for honest feedback. From how I wrote my problem and the responses I have received I realize I have a lot to think about. I didn’t realize I was too concerned with my friend, I didn’t know that’s how I would write it until it happened. I think I feel worse because it was pointed out how easily it happened, but I wanted honest.
With these responses in mind I am going to go for a long run and think it all over. I can’t figure out it all just now.