(Closed) NWR: At a loss as to how I should handle this situation (sorry….long!)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

  I’m so sorry your parents are putting you through this, all of it. I was rasied Catholic as well,  and IMO, I don’t understand how God would not love any of His children- straight, gay, or otherwise. People don’t deside to become gay, for many its a part of their DNA like the color of their eyes or hight. Your brother is very lucky to have a sister who loves him for who he is, no matter what. It’s really unfortunate that your mom is trying to use that love to ‘fix’ him. 

  Try talking to your mom about how much this hurts you and your brother, and how you feel about the CD’s.  I wish I could have some really good advice for handling this situation, but my family are very religious as well, and pretty much stopped talking to me after I moved in with my (now ex) Boyfriend or Best Friend years ago (living in sin).  I never let it bother me that much though, I was always the black sheep anyway, and it was an abusive upbringing.

Sorry, whent off topic-  Your post reminds me of an episode of Lisa Lings our America, ‘Can you pray the gay away?” Maybe you can check it out and I don’t know, maybe it will give you some insite on how to deal with your parents. 

::hugs:: I’m sorry I cant be of more help.

Post # 4
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Wow! this is a really tough situation – I, like you, was raised catholic but don’t practice really unless im at the in-laws house. My personal opinion on that matter is that your brother, along with anyone else who is gay, does not choose to be that way – who would condemn themselves to a lifetime of judgement willingly? so I don’t buy into the “fixing” and i dont understand these groups who look down upon people who are gay – they are people, just like everyone else and they deserve the same rights as straight couples/people.

I don’t know how i would approach this situation with a parent or someone who is hellbent on not seeing another point of view but I think you need to be honest with them and not just try to please them so you dont have to talk about it with them you know? for you and your brothers sake. Tell her exactly what you told us, you tried to listen and you just couldnt take it anymore. I bet it would make you feel good about yourself to stand up for something and someone you believe in. The only other thing i can think to do is try to explain your side of it and see if they can see the logic in it because it is logical.

BUT if you are truely trying to repair your relationship maybe another approach would be better and just agree to disagree. the issue from that point forward should not be in discussion.

Post # 5
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My gut reaction after reading your post would be to just listen to the cd’s (so you at least know what exact hogwash is instilled in your parent’s heads) but tell your mother that you’re sorry if it hurts them but you don’t agree with it.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anything more constructive to say, but I hope that if this attempt to “fix” him doesn’t work, then your parents lay off because that is a stress that you don’t need and if I were you, I would let my parents know that. *hugs*

Post # 7
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would not lie and I would not listen to the CDs.  Tell your parents that they are entitled to their beliefs and you will respect that.  But that your love your brother and will continue to be a part of his life and that frankly, you dont want to discuss his sex life at all. 

I know this might be hard and that you might lose a little ground with your relationship with your parents initially.  But avoiding the situation is not going to help.  Your parents need to recognize that you and your brother are adults and your brother’s orientation and your choices are not up to them any more.  Would they rather not have relationships with their own children?

Post # 8
298 posts
Helper bee

CryCry I’m so sorry about the pain you have been through!!  It’s so sad to see someone who IS a good person like yourself being condemned for your choices.  God loves you and your brother no matter what.  God wants us to have truth in our lives, and if you have to lie to your parents about the CD’s, that will only hurt you and them. It’s okay to think the CD’s suck (they do).  You are still a good person and a child of Christ regardless.  Your brother is also a child of God, and so is his partner.  God doesn’t make us this way by accident.  I hope you know that!

My dad is a minister, as well as both his parents (my Grandparents).  Well, my uncle, their youngest child, is gay.  They love him anyway.  They love his boyfriend.  He is a part of our family.  His boyfriend is just as much my uncle as my bio-uncle is.  He is welcome in our family no matter what.  We all have a relationship with God.  It’s too bad your parents are not that way.  I can’t imagine how painful that must be!

I wish I had better advice for you, but I would ask that you explore your own spirituality.  God forgives you for having the abortion.  There are millions of GOOD people out there who have had abortions.  You won’t be punished.  Where do you see yourself in all this?  How do YOU feel?  You don’t need to listen to those stupid CD’s!!!  Focus on asking yourself if you have a relationship with God or not.  If you do, great.  Ask Him for help in healing through this mess, and to help with tendency to drink/have an eating disorder.  Ask Him for strength in dealing with your parents.  If you don’t believe in/don’t want a relationship with God, that is also fine.  No one should be forced into religion, ever.  I have also gone back and forth like you.  Maybe you get to a good place with the Lord’s help, or maybe you will do it on your own.  I have done both.  No one should judge you, period.  That is SO anti-Christian!!  

PM me if you’d like.  (((((((((HUGS))))))))


Post # 9
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Be honest with your parents.  You told your mother you would try to listen to the CDs, and you did try.  You just couldn’t handle the rest of it, and it made you physically sick.

I’m not religious myself, but when I read situations like this it makes me sad.  On two sides you have people with very strong, but opposite, beliefs–how do you reconcile?  Especially between family.  Sorry, OP, I don’t have better advice, but I think honesty is best.  If the situation were turned around, would your parents be willing to listen to why being gay is not wrong?

Post # 10
165 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry for the terrible situation you are in. I am Catholic, and have my own personal beliefs. However I would never judge someone for what they believe. I am actually Roman Catholic, and I don’t know if that makes a difference, but back in highschool my religion teacher always taught us that it is possible for the bible to preach one thing but we feel God believes differently. I would try talking to your parents and explain that it is not their place to judge. That is only Gods job, and they too are technically “sinning” by judging and subsequently punishing you and your brother. If abortion, or being gay is a sin that is between God and that person, not that person and people around them. 

Just a sidenote, I too believe being gay is not wrong, and people are simply born that way. I also believe that God does not make any mistakes, and he intended your brother to be exactly who he is.

I hope there is a happy ending to this situation.

Post # 11
3775 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I believe that you just have to be honest and direct. 

“Mom, I started listening to the CD’s but they were so offensive to what I believe that I didn’t get very far.  I am not going to finish listening to them.  I found the references to abortion to be painful and I found the view of homosexuality to be offensive.”

She is an adult, she should be able to handle you being honest.

Post # 12
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Good Lord.  I’m sorry you’re going through all this.  I wouldn’t listen to the cds, and I would tell your parents that you weren’t able to finish listening to them because they were so far removed from your beliefs.  It looks like you may have to leave it at that.  Are your parents computer savvy?  Maybe you could send them a few links online that help explain how YOU feel about some of the same issues they have so much trouble accepting.  When they read through them, you could consider listening to more that they have to say.  This whole thing seems very one sided to me.  Why would you have to conform to their beliefs and agree with them when they don’t seem willing to hear YOU and your brother (and most of the rest of the modern world) out?  Good luck with all this.  I’m glad you and your brother are able to stick together.

Post # 13
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

No, mail the CD’s back to your mother.  When you talk to her (even via email) explain that you honestly TRIED to listen and see where they were coming from, but you couldn’t do it.  Tell her you don’t want to get into a religious debate on ANYTHING, but your views are very different.  It doesn’t sound like either of you are likely to change anytime soon, so you’ll have to find a way to agree to disagree if you want to continue communication.  I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I’m so glad your brother has at least one family member he can confide in…it sounds like you two are going to be all you both have someday Frown

Post # 14
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Be honest with your parents and yourself.  Tell your mom you attempted to listen to them.  You quickly discovered the cd’s are not in line with your way of thinking.  Tell her that you understand and respect her beliefs and will continue to do so, but you would really appreciate her behaving the same in return.  Tell her the her requests make your stressed, uncomfortable and physically ill.  Tell her that you very much want a relationship with your parents and your desire is for you all to agree to disagree.  Point blank tell her that you do not want her to push her agenda on you as you communicate with one another.  She’s not afraid to tell you what she wants.  Tell her what you want!  And… tell her from this point on you would not be willing to listen to cd’s, read any books, watch any videos, have any converstaions on that subject.  

Post # 15
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow that must be a horrible feeling. Now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, concerning your abortion and your brother’s homosexuality, I think you should tell your parents that religion is not what guides you as it does them. You don’t subscribe to the teachings of the Catholic Church as they do, so from time to time you will have to agree to disagree. 

I know many religious people who think that their judgment is helpful, but my beliefs vary so drastically from theirs that I have to avoid certain topics and conversations just to keep the peace. Since these people are your parents, I think you will have a much harder and more emotional road than most. I really feel for you, but you sound like a grounded and smart person, and I admire your courage. I think you will need to be strong for your brother and yourself. Please don’t let this bring you back to the familiarity of your eating disorder. 

They won’t like anything you have to say unless it falls in line with their religious beliefs, which it won’t, so just keep your head up. Good luck!

The topic ‘NWR: At a loss as to how I should handle this situation (sorry….long!)’ is closed to new replies.

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