Post # 62
@Jenn23: What really concerns me is his apparent inability to understand that there are unknown possibilities. He has an auditory processing problem as well as dyslexia, and he fully understands that our future children may have similar learning differences. That makes sense to him because he thinks it’s like eye color. It’s not that simple, obviously, but he won’t even entertain the thought of having a baby with certain “issues”. I want to be very clear that I do not consider homosexuality an issue, but he apparently does. Which sucks. He thinks I am just being anxious when I bring stuff up, or he has some reason it won’t happen (like I said).
I don’t want him to sound awful, because he’s not. He just has weird opinions.
Post # 63
@peachacid: You should consider having him speak with a Doctor or someone else who has medical knowledge of birth defects, inherited diseases, chances of getting a certain gender, etc. It might hold more weight coming from someone trained in medicine. If you know someone trained in these issues that he trusts that would be even better.
You do need to see about trying to resolve these issues with him before having children. Its entirely possible that he would be the most loving and accepting dad ever, but I personally wouldn’t want to risk it.
I asked my Fiance once (few years ago) how he would react if we had a son that wanted to play with girl toys. He jokingly (very clearly joking) said the kid would be out of the family. I looked him dead in the eye and told him I would divorce him without hesitation – it might seem like an overreaction to some people, but I won’t tolerate my kids being made to feel like what they feel or who they are is wrong. He hasn’t joked like that again and has stated, numerous times (without me prodding him sometimes), that he will love our babies no matter what happens.
Post # 64
@peachacid: “if we accept that people are born gay, then don’t we also accept that being gay is genetic? And if we accept that, then being gay is something that should run in families.”
Not everything that is genetic is inherited and so passed down through families. Some genetic difference between family members can be explained by genetic mutations that occur spontaneously. There are also ‘multifactorial-inheritance’ conditions – while a component of these conditions is inherited, they are only expressed in combination with environmental facors.
I don’t know anything about the science of homosexuality (or sexual orientation). For all I know, it could be inherited. But even so, I would be very hesitant to draw conclusions about the chances of offspring being gay by the seeming absence of gay family members. It’s super super recent that homosexuality and spectrum-sexualities have become accepted and noramlized, so for all your husband knows, he very well may have family members who fall on the sexuality spectrum.
I think his views will likely change when it is his child. Parents who have children that differ wildly from their expectations often say that while they couldn’t have imagined being ‘ok’ with the child before they gave birth, they would not trade in their child and their experiences for anything. I’d highly recommend the recent book, “Far From the Tree,” which is about families with offspring that are quite different than the offspring they imagined for themselves. It is FASCINATING.
Post # 65
@peachacid: tell him that there’s a chance his name won’t be passed on even if he has a whole bunch of boys. My mom has 7 brothers, and her family’s name isn’t being carried on. Only 3 of them had children, and each of the three only had 1 daughter…epic fail on their part! Sooo there’s no guaruntee that boys will result in the name being passed down!
ETA: this is just totally a side note to the discussion…just wanted to add my 2 cents on your original topic of conversation!
Post # 66
Post # 67
@peachacid: First of all, the liklihood that neither of you have gay people in your family is really unlikely. What is far more likely is that you don’t have any OUT gay people that you know of.
Second, being born gay doesn’t necessarily mean homosexuality is genetic. There are several studies that believe it has more to do with hormones released during pregnancy. There is a much higher instance of homosexuality in the youngest child, for instance, any some researches believe this could be because the mother is under more stress when there are multiple children and therefore is releasing different levels of hormones.
So no… I don’t think if you have gay family memebers you are more or less likely to have gay children. I think if you are an ally of the gay community you are more likely to have OUT gay children, because they will feel more comfortable sharing who they are with you.
Post # 68
@peachacid: First, I am not condoning your husband’s behavior and would hope that he would be more open minded. However, I work in genetics so I deal with a lot of parents of kids that aren’t “typical”. And I don’t necessarily think that your husband will be asshole to your children because he is refusing to entertain the possibility of issues at this point. There are some people that know, academically, that issues could arise, but choose not to think about them because there’s nothing to be done and they don’t see the point in worrying. I can actually appreciate that standpoint. I think your husband is taking it to a bit of an extreme in making up untrue assumptions to justify his complacency, but that doesn’t necessarily predict his reaction if faced with an actual issue in a child. I have had patients with a genetic disorder that know there is a 50% chance of passing it on. They have a child and are absolutely convinced that said child won’t have it. And then they do. And you know what, parents come around and love their kid. So don’t write your husband off completely. He’s not saying that he would treat an unperfect kid badly, he just doesn’t want to think about the possibility. And if it doesn’t change the way you conceive or handle the pregnancy, then maybe it isn’t important to go over all the possibilities before hand. So I definitely agree that he should be more open minded about the possibilities that are out there. But don’t assume he would treat a child badly if they weren’t perfect. And, By The Way, the statistics are on his side that your child will not be gay or have a disabilty, just given the rates of those things in the general population (not that I equate the two, but they seem to have been brought up in a similar context).
Post # 69
I think it is genetic ( proven in men) and your husband is not on point.
Post # 70
Post # 71
I have seen zero evidence that homosexuality is genetic.
Post # 72
If it was strictly hereditary, then how would it have started?
Genetic mutations occur ALL THE TIME. Your body tries to repair them, but sometimes they’re missed. Mutations can be good, bad, or neutral. In most cases they have no effect bc the genetic code is redundant.
I don’t think that homosexuality is strictly genetic, but I wouldn’t surprised if there was some sort of genetic component to it. I don’t think that there will ever be a “homosexuality gene” that is discovered, because it’s certainly not that simple.
Post # 73
@peachacid: It’s impossible now to know for sure. The biggest argument against it is: if it were a matter of simple inheritance, wouldn’t it be likely for those lines to slowly fade out and for there to be considerably less gay people over time, leading to eventually none? Whereas the reality is that as far as we know the percent of the population has remained pretty stable.
Actually, there have been very strong lines of inheritance found on *maternal* lines – a mother with a history of gay men in her family is more likely to both be extremely fertile and have more children than average, and also more likely to have a gay son (usually not the first one, though, which is also interesting.) (news article on the study: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/12/why-are-there-gay-men_n_1590501.html)
Your parents will of course have genes they don’t know about, things that might not be expressed for generations. My parents and all of my grandparents and every last aunt and uncle is a natural brunette of varying shades. I am a natural blonde.
So there may very well be a gene, but it would only depend on the mother’s line. There also seem to be some evolutionary/biological advantages for a social/tribal animal to having homosexual population members.
This is very limited, though, and hardly conclusive, and also only sees around the edges of the topic. It’s the kind of study you do to get enough informatin to do another study. All it’s saying is that there’s probably a gene/inherited component (not the whole story) and it’s probably on the mother’s line.
Post # 74
Post # 75
Your husband is fooling himself.
My brother is gay and his mother and father are not related to anyone else that is gay. Even if it IS genetic, that doesn’t mean you won’t have a gay child.
Post # 76
Being gay doesn’t mean you can’t have children. So even if your children were gay, you can still have a “legacy.”