Post # 16
I’m in the medical field and I’ve seen and had to do some things most would find gag worthy but even I would be grossed out by stale crusty old shit on the toilet seat.
I’d beg off sick and get your SO to have talk to his family about this. This isn’t some clutter, dust and sticky floors. It’s literally a health hazard with fecal matter and mould. I sincerely hope they don’t have kids who have to live in filth.
If you really must go, please bring bottles water and look into something called the go girl. Its a device that allows a female to pee standing up. I’d consider using that and discreetly watering the plants in the backyard before I’d step foot in that toilet.
Seriously though…don’t ever step foot into that house again and dont attend this Thanksgiving…
Post # 17
I agree with everyone saying that you should have your husband speak with his parents. They are all out of their everloving minds if they think having Thanksgiving in a nasty, shit infested house is a solution to the amount of work that Thanksgiving entails.
I would stay home or go to my family and let him go be with his family. There’s politeness and there’s just suffering through torment. How are you going to be in a state of thankfulness when you can’t even pee for the whole day?
On another note- your poste reminds me of the show Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners where people with OCD are paired with hoarders to help them clean up their homes. It’s awesome.
Post # 18
The SIL’s house sounds super gross. Your problems with your in-laws though run far deeper than this. From your past threads I remember, you were at Bitch-Eating-Crackers stage with your in-laws a long time ago, especially around holiday stuff is when this all seems to come to a head.
Like your in-laws not offering to help cook or clean up when you hosted Christmas and didn’t dress up for your engagement party and you jumped to never wanting to host them ever again. The thing about trying to change your in-laws’ Christmas gifting habits and being upset when they didn’t want to. Thinking they were childish in general. The thread about hiking and them not reading your mind about being tired even though your Fiance was there too…?
You don’t like them, fair enough. A lot of people don’t get along with their in-laws. Personally I would stop making this about other issues because then you get bogged down in the details that ultimately don’t matter. What does matter is that you really don’t seem like you enjoy spending time with your in-laws at all, so work out with your Fiance what level of contact is acceptable to you, and when you’re doing this bare-minimum of contacts, you need to suck everything up and just be gracious.
Post # 19
I honestly wouldn’t go. The fact that they can’t clean their home and maintain cleanliness is disgusting. I would literally walk out of a house if it looked like that. Sure as sh*t won’t catch me eating there. Nopeeeee!
Post # 20
“In the over 2 years I have known them, they have not once cleaned their toilets, showers, floors, etc “
They do not desire your company. Do not feel torn about this. Don’t go now or near future and do not ever give-in on this. No one that wants your company and respects you, gives you this as a guest. Period.
No more. You do not have to subject yourself to this.
Post # 21
I ended up completely dropping the ‘lets do Christmas differently this year thing’ because we’re doing Christmas with my family. It was mentioned once casually in convo and then fi got mad and then when I remembered we were doing Christmas with my family, I completely dropped it and thanked Baby Jesus.
Post # 22
I totally see your point, which is why I’ve changed my tune from forcing friendship to accepting the fact that I don’t need to like SIL and Brother-In-Law (that was hard to do btw) or be friends.
However, I wouldn’t go so far as to invalidate my concerns re: proper sanitation, etc which are completely legitimate.
To the bees, I did mention the sh*t incident to Fiance, I did not ask him to bring it up to his fam. It seems this is ‘normal’ to them and nobody says anything to SIL b/c she is unapproachable/can’t take criticism because of immaturity. Its’ not worth the fight. She will just throw a tantrum and continue to do nothing about it.
I agree with others about not going at all. I’ve actually already mentioned it to Fi who was completely upset and said that it wasnt’ fair because we did Thanksgiving with my family last year. I also talked to my counselor about it who said I basically can’t not go but understands where I’m coming from.
So, I’m basically screwed. I can go see my fam at Thanksgiving and he can go to his but I have a feeling it will cause a huge sh*t storm (pun intended) and I will get a lot of negative attitutude from in laws 🙁
Post # 23
Ugh I know I’ve already thought about how I can skip out. I mentioned it to fi and he got really upset.
My abuelita is in a bad way. She had a horrible fall this year and had to be hospitalized. She now has a 24 hr aid who cares for her in addition to my aunt. I’m honestly contemplating going there anyways because it might be one of the last years I see her. And fi has physically seen her and knows how ill she has been. His grandmother died last year but his grandfather is still around. But he lives in Maine and I don’t think anyone will be going up there to see him poor thing.
Post # 24
I would put some serious boundaries in place NOW if you are serious about marrying into this family. Because if his sister is that bad, you need to nip this in the bud now with your fiance otherwise it will only get worse.
Really think about this. This isn’t just about this one Thanksgiving. If you are marrying your fiance, this is the family he comes with. This will be just the beginning of all the future holidays and family get-togethers to come. What are you going to do when you have children and they want to host future Thanksgiving/Xmas/New Years/Birthdays/BBQs at their house? And your SIL wants your children to mix and play with hers, and let’s say her super-dirty ways extend to her kids and she wants to do sleepovers, etc? If you cave-in now to their pressures and allow your fiance to guilt you into submission, it’s going to get so much worse for you and your future kids because there’s no way you can just “all of a sudden” have boundaries later and expect everyone to respect them when you’ve been such a doormat in the beginning.
Keeping such a filthy and dirty home is extremely toxic and harmful, especially to children. You need to think about this seriously and get your fiance on board, otherwise it will always be a battle of you against your future-husband and his family.
Post # 25
Bare minimum of contacts means more than just frequency. It could and should in this instance also mean you don’t go over to your SIL’s house, period.
I meant you need to decide what is and isn’t acceptable to you in your dealings with your in-laws in general and then work out an overarching plan that is acceptable to you and your husband. You both will have to compromise and neither will like the plan 100%, but that’s what compromise is about.
Right now, you are wasting a lot of emotional capital and energy in getting bogged down on the details. I say that because, OK, for example, if the SIL had a pristine Good Housekeeping house, would you be happy with going over there for Thanksgiving? My guess is still no, because you think she is immature and don’t like her for that reason. So, while the problem would not be as threatening to your physical health, you would still have a problem. Treat the cause, and not (just) the symptoms.
Post # 26
I feel like you are exaggerating with literal shit on the toilet seat, but if you aren’t, squat and pee without touching the seat. I don’t touch public toilet seats and I certainly wouldn’t touch one that visibly looked dirty.
Thanksgiving is about spending time with friends and family, not about criticizing someone’s house for being dirty. Show up, put a smile on your face and enjoy the meal. Pour yourself a big glass of wine. We are talking about 2-3 hours at someone’s house – it’s not like you are staying for a week.
P.S. I’m pretty sure I have the ‘dirty house’ on my husband’s side of the family. My brother in law is OCD neat to the point that you could eat off their floors. My house is tidy but lived in. My husband and I work full time and have a one-year-old. I would rather spend my free time with my son than scrubbing toilets.
P.P.S. I do clean our downstairs half bath and vacuum the floors if I know we are having visitors/hosting a large party. But if you drop by unexpectedly, all bets are off.
Post # 27
Oh yuck. I can’t be comfortable in an unclean or messy environment, so I feel your pain. I would just come out and say that you dont want to come down with food poisoning and die, so the meal has to be somewhere else.
Post # 28
I had a similar situation with my sister and brother-in-law. I couldn’t stand it and told them I would have thanksgiving in my house. I could tell you horror stories about their home, but I will spare you. We lived in the same area, so it was a little easier. You are in a tough spot.
Post # 29
Bringing your own food. Not drinking water. Taking antibacterial wipes. This does not seem like an enjoyable way to spend a holiday. I simply wouldn’t go. You’ll have to tell your Fiance how uncomfortable it makes you. I understand wanting to spend holidays together but he and his family might have normalized the unsanitary conditions, so it doesn’t register with him that things are off.
Post # 30
I wish I was exaggerating, I really really do. I did bring it to fi’s attention on the day it happened but then nothing happened after that, like he didnt tell his sister. And he KNOWS that I literally almost puked once from the smell of mold in their shower when I had to pee at their last house. I thought when they moved in their new hosue they would clean more. And I would think that if you are having company over, that you would at the very least sanitize the bathroom. Again, i realize my standards are high, BUT I’m rationale in that I do not expect anyone else to do that. But like I said, if you go to the bathroom and you get poo on the seat, dont you get up and look at it and go like ‘oops’ and clean it up? You know? And they don’t have towels in their bathroom for drying hands after cleaning. Last time all the soap was gone and I had to wash my hands in the kitchen. . .
i know I’ve honestly been so sad lately thinking this is a deal breaker. I’m so so sad about it. But I’m terrified to bring it up to fi again. Like I said, I told him when I saw it but then things never got better.
I almost feel like I need to just sit him down and be like ‘Im really sorry but I cant go to your families house for Thanksgiving because xyzabc’. I just dont think hell understand. Like I said we talked about trying to ‘sell them’ on going out and that didnt go very well. And when I said I should just go to my families house for Thanksgiving, he seemed upset. I feel like I cant win.