NWR Dirty Houses @ Thanksgiving

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
4630 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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avprobeauty :  I’m in the medical field and I’ve seen and had to do some things most would find gag worthy but even I would be grossed out by stale crusty old shit on the toilet seat. 

I’d beg off sick and get your SO to have talk to his family about this. This isn’t some clutter, dust and sticky floors. It’s literally a health hazard with fecal matter and mould. I sincerely hope they don’t have kids who have to live in filth.  

If you really must go, please bring bottles water and look into something called the go girl. Its a device that allows a female to pee standing up. I’d consider using that and discreetly watering the plants in the backyard before I’d step foot in that toilet. 

Seriously though…don’t ever step foot into that house again and dont attend this Thanksgiving…

Post # 17
Member
6793 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with everyone saying that you should have your husband speak with his parents. They are all out of their everloving minds if they think having Thanksgiving in a nasty, shit infested house is a solution to the amount of work that Thanksgiving entails. 

I would stay home or go to my family and let him go be with his family. There’s politeness and there’s just suffering through torment. How are you going to be in a state of thankfulness when you can’t even pee for the whole day?

On another note- your poste reminds me of the show Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners where people with OCD are paired with hoarders to help them clean up their homes. It’s awesome. 

Post # 18
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The SIL’s house sounds super gross.  Your problems with your in-laws though run far deeper than this. From your past threads I remember, you were at Bitch-Eating-Crackers stage with your in-laws a long time ago, especially around holiday stuff is when this all seems to come to a head.

Like your in-laws not offering to help cook or clean up when you hosted Christmas and didn’t dress up for your engagement party and you jumped to never wanting to host them ever again.  The thing about trying to change your in-laws’ Christmas gifting habits and being upset when they didn’t want to. Thinking they were childish in general.  The thread about hiking and them not reading your mind about being tired even though your Fiance was there too…?

You don’t like them, fair enough. A lot of people don’t get along with their in-laws. Personally I would stop making this about other issues because then you get bogged down in the details that ultimately don’t matter. What does matter is that you really don’t seem like you enjoy spending time with your in-laws at all, so work out with your Fiance what level of contact is acceptable to you, and when you’re doing this bare-minimum of contacts, you need to suck everything up and just be gracious.  

Post # 19
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

I honestly wouldn’t go. The fact that they can’t clean their home and maintain cleanliness is disgusting. I would literally walk out of a house if it looked like that. Sure as sh*t won’t catch me eating there. Nopeeeee!

Post # 20
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee

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avprobeauty :  “In the over 2 years I have known them, they have not once cleaned their toilets, showers, floors, etc “

They do not desire your company.  Do not feel torn about this.  Don’t go now or near future and do not ever give-in on this.  No one that wants your company and respects you, gives you this as a guest.  Period.

No more.  You do not have to subject yourself to this.

Post # 24
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

I would put some serious boundaries in place NOW if you are serious about marrying into this family.  Because if his sister is that bad, you need to nip this in the bud now with your fiance otherwise it will only get worse.  

Really think about this.  This isn’t just about this one Thanksgiving.    If you are marrying your fiance, this is the family he comes with. This will be just the beginning of all the future holidays and family get-togethers to come.  What are you going to do when you have children and they want to host future Thanksgiving/Xmas/New Years/Birthdays/BBQs at their house?  And your SIL wants your children to mix and play with hers, and let’s say her super-dirty ways extend to her kids and she wants to do sleepovers, etc?  If you cave-in now to their pressures and allow your fiance to guilt you into submission, it’s going to get so much worse for you and your future kids because there’s no way you can just “all of a sudden” have boundaries later and expect everyone to respect them when you’ve been such a doormat in the beginning.

Keeping such a filthy and dirty home is extremely toxic and harmful, especially to children.  You need to think about this seriously and get your fiance on board, otherwise it will always be a battle of you against your future-husband and his family.

Post # 25
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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avprobeauty :  Bare minimum of contacts means more than just frequency.  It could and should in this instance also mean you don’t go over to your SIL’s house, period. 

I meant you need to decide what is and isn’t acceptable to you in your dealings with your in-laws in general and then work out an overarching plan that is acceptable to you and your husband.  You both will have to compromise and neither will like the plan 100%, but that’s what compromise is about.

Right now, you are wasting a lot of emotional capital and energy in getting bogged down on the details.  I say that because, OK, for example, if the SIL had a pristine Good Housekeeping house, would you be happy with going over there for Thanksgiving?  My guess is still no, because you think she is immature and don’t like her for that reason.  So, while the problem would not be as threatening to your physical health, you would still have a problem.  Treat the cause, and not (just) the symptoms.

Post # 26
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I feel like you are exaggerating with literal shit on the toilet seat, but if you aren’t, squat and pee without touching the seat. I don’t touch public toilet seats and I certainly wouldn’t touch one that visibly looked dirty. 

Thanksgiving is about spending time with friends and family, not about criticizing someone’s house for being dirty. Show up, put a smile on your face and enjoy the meal. Pour yourself a big glass of wine. We are talking about 2-3 hours at someone’s house – it’s not like you are staying for a week. 

P.S. I’m pretty sure I have the ‘dirty house’ on my husband’s side of the family. My brother in law is OCD neat to the point that you could eat off their floors. My house is tidy but lived in. My husband and I work full time and have a one-year-old. I would rather spend my free time with my son than scrubbing toilets. 

P.P.S. I do clean our downstairs half bath and vacuum the floors if I know we are having visitors/hosting a large party. But if you drop by unexpectedly, all bets are off. 

Post # 27
Member
4997 posts
Honey bee

Oh yuck. I can’t be comfortable in an unclean or messy environment, so I feel your pain. I would just come out and say that you dont want to come down with food poisoning and die, so the meal has to be somewhere else.

Post # 28
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

I had a similar situation with my sister and brother-in-law.  I couldn’t stand it and told them I would have thanksgiving in my house.  I could tell you horror stories about their home, but I will spare you.  We lived in the same area, so it was a little easier.  You are in a tough spot.

 

Post # 29
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee

Bringing your own food.  Not drinking water.  Taking antibacterial wipes.  This does not seem like an enjoyable way to spend a holiday.  I simply wouldn’t go.  You’ll have to tell your Fiance how uncomfortable it makes you.  I understand wanting to spend holidays together but he and his family might have normalized the unsanitary conditions, so it doesn’t register with him that things are off.

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