NWR: Discouraged — Therapy doesn't seem to be helping.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
4059 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it’s really important to realize that therapy isn’t a quick fix. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and I really don’t think 12 weeks of therapy is just going to make it all go away. Be gentle with yourself, and proud of the fact that you ARE trying, and seeing improvement.

Post # 3
5565 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

jimonabee89 :  

Awwwww bee… please be kind to yourself.

You can see the changes in yourself in just one year! When you get discouraged, remind yourself of how far you’ve come. Take pride in the advances that you’ve made, that took a lot of hard work.

It’s WORKING. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have seen any changes in yourself.

Therapy is never a one and done deal. You can go for twelve weeks, and then go for months or even years without going again.

Your issues are resurfacing which means you just need to be reminded of the coping skills you developed before or discover some new ones.

What’s different now is that you might be giving your so a hard time but you are able to say without a doubt “what I am doing is unfair, I don’t feel well, and I’m trying hard to change it with therapy”

Give yourself a break and continue to make strides in therapy.

Post # 5
6657 posts
Bee Keeper

Dear Bee–you are not failing at therapy. By acknowledging your issues and seeking help to better deal with them you are so far ahead of the game. Add a loving and supportive husband and you are winning.

It doesn’t take weeks to address issues that have existed for years. Give yourself the time you need to get to where you want to be. You are worth it. 

Post # 6
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

jimonabee89 :  How horrible it must have been to come across old photos and letters of your husband’s ex!  That would have devastated me, too.  True, he cannot change his past and he spent a very long period of his life with that woman.  It would be difficult for anyone to throw those things away, as if his past suddenly is garbage.  Even so, he chose YOU and you shouldn’t have felt bad for asking him to respect his choice, throwing those old photos and letters away and investing in you.  It was the right thing to do, and difficult for the both of you for different reasons. 

But the severity to which you are quick to anger, mistrust and fear of abandonment is something to keep an eye on, which you have.  Keep going to therapy, maybe increasing the frequency and duration of your sessions.  Undoing years of trauma will take a very long time.  

My best advice to you is to always tell your husband how you are feeling if the episode is severe, but try practicing framing your feelings not as an accusation or an ultimatum, but as a “when x happens I feel devastated.”  It’ll help reinforce your relationship and give him an opportunity to change any behavior or support you during a rough moment without putting him on the defense. 


Post # 8
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

As a person who has had issues with anxiety/constant worrying in the past, I can tell you that I worked solidly at it for a year with an absolutely wonderful therapist, and it has helped a lot. There are times when I still sink into my old habits/issues, but I tend to keep a close eye on them. 

It can be very difficult to get over trauma, especially when it is something that inhibits levels of trust and security. You are doing the best that you can for yourself, so keep at it! Be thankful that you have a loving and supportive husband; you both seem like a great fit for each other. Talk about these things with him (if you can), and ask if he’s comfortable with you leaning on him in times of crisis, even if it is dealing with his past. And like PPs have said, don’t frame it as an accusation. 

Has your husband ever been to one of your therapy sessions? Do you think that it would be helpful for both of you? 

Post # 9
4502 posts
Honey bee

I think many people feel like they are feeling like they are failing at therapy at some point in the process.  But I think you also need to understand that therapy isn’t a destination with some finite version of “fixed” – it’s a process of essentially reprogramming your thought process and behaviors to undo years of destructive thinking and that can take years, especially if you’re dealing with issues of trauma, anxiety, and mistrust.  The only failing involved in therapy is not being open enough to accept the process and sometimes that’s not even a failure – it’s just something you may absorb superficially at first and not really be ready to let it sink in and truly put into practice until months or years later when you’re finally ready.  And sometimes therapy isn’t enough, depending on the diagnosis and underlying root cause of this behavior.

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