- 2 years ago
Hi Bees. I recently started attending counseling for the second time. I went for 12 weeks last year, because I was struggling a lot with anger, control and mistrust. Things got better, but a few months ago I started to have issues with these again and got back into it. It was realized that a lot of the anger and control stems from sexual abuse and attempted rape I went through several years ago, and I had a lot of mistrust thanks to several of my ex’s cheating on me. I always found out by snooping through their stuff, unhealthy I know, but I always had the gut feeling and would find proof and end the relationship.
Well, now I am married to an incredible man who has always cherished and respected me. He was in a long-term relationship before me, and when we started dating, I found a lot of pictures and notes from her, just lying around his house. He promised to get rid of them, and he did get rid of most of them. However, we have been together for two years and his ex still bothers me when she comes up or I see pictures of them together. I have made huge improvements, but two nights ago we were in our office and he found pictures of them kissing on his bed from years ago. I calmly told him that I didn’t want to see them, and to please throw them away. I was really proud of myself, because last year I would have started a fight with him and made him feel bad. I felt sick to my stomach seeing them kissing, but I tried to let it go.
The next day, I was taking the trash out, and the pictures were all on top and I saw them and this time I flipped out. I had a panic attack, and my husband held me and promised to go through the house again to check for any remaining traces of her.
I am just so frustrated with myself. OF COURSE he has a past, and I respect that! They were together for SO long (9 years), longer than some of my friends marriages have lasted! Some days I am fine, and other days I feel sick even meeting someone with her name. Honestly, I think a part of my sensitivity to her is because she is who he lost his virginity to, whereas I was a virgin when we got married. When we first were dating, he was throwing things from her away and one of the letters fell behind the recycling. Later that week, I picked it up, and it was a letter she wrote him about how intimate their love-making was and how special it was and how much she loved him. OF COURSE I wish I could go back and not read it, I was curious at what it was and by the time I realized who it was from, I already saw too much. I ripped it up, and took the trash out so I wouldn’t read the rest. But since that day, I have had a million emotions towards her I never had before.
Darling Husband and I had a long talk about these issues I have with her, and I am really trying to get over them. I just feel discouraged. He is so supportive and encouraging, but he and I both know that we can’t change the past. I know that in my head, but my emotions get out of control and I begin to obsess over things that shouldn’t bother me. It feels like I relapsed into letting my emotions control me. I am meeting with my therapist tonight, but I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else has ever felt like they are failing at therapy, and then succeeded at overcoming their issues?
Please be kind, Bees. Thank you.